tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-70751644206751286902024-03-13T10:59:46.530-07:00single-minded-endeavourslife from the other side of coupledomsusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.comBlogger205125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-17256033706647399472021-11-04T14:23:00.004-07:002021-11-04T14:46:57.791-07:00Dating profiles - a short rant and some tips for doing it better (mostly for blokes)<h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">I follow a <a href="https://www.alittlenudge.com/" target="_blank">brilliant dating coach </a>who often shares insights into the do's and don'ts of online dating. </span></h4><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Today she gave some examples of what 'not to do' in your profile picture. Seemed like a good opportunity to add my two cents, and share some of the extraordinary things I've seen in the last 6 months (to the day) since being on Tinder. Whilst this is about what I have seen on men's profiles, similar things probably apply to women</span></p><p><b><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Photos:</span></b></p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Hospital photos: why? Why would a guy put up a picture of himself in a hospital gown with breathing apparatus, or a drip, or a broken bone? Some even appear to be of someone asleep in the hospital bed. I can only assume this is a profile done by a friend for a laugh. Surely?</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Dead animal photos: why? Why would a guy put up a picture of himself in camo, with a bloodied and presumably dead animal across his shoulders?</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Junk photos: why oh why oh why? A photo of your chaotic lounge, or bathroom sink if it's a mirror selfie, or cluttered office does not give me hope. And the other junk...erm, no. Just no. </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">This is me 20 years ago photos...this is me as a kid photos...: Lovely. Let's save those for when I get to meet your mother and look at the albums. </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Travel photos: Brilliant, love those. Unless it's you with a hot chick in a bikini, or a dancing girl, or worse, in a group of people and I don't know which one is you</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Famous people photos: Interesting, but not as a profile pic. </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">You and your hot younger friend photo: Not sure which one you are, so keep this one for another time.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Snapchat filtered pictures: you're not 12. Just don't do it</span></li></ul><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">What works: </span></p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">A head and shoulders (do it on self-timer if you have to) as the first picture</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">A picture that you are smiling in</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">A casual snap, maybe with your pet</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">A photo thats not blurry</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Perhaps another picture of you doing something you love</span></li></ul><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><b><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Profile comments:</span></b></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">You only get one shot at this, and insider tip...women swipe through almost as fast as men. Here's some stuff not to write (unless you want to attract someone needy and a little bit cray crazy</span></p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"> No time wasters (like what...am I buying a car?)</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">If you're needy move along </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">I seem to mainly attract crazy women...is that you? If so, don't swipe</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">I like to spend all my weekends fishing/diving/on my motorbike/mountain biking/at the gym: Do you though? </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Looking for NSA/FWB: If you are, then say so. And if you aren't looking for a relationship, don't say that you are. </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Including a 'shopping list' about looks (height, size, hair colour). You don't need to do this - just don't swipe on the ones you don't like!</span></li></ul><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">What works:</span></p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">A friendly hello and a sentence or two about you</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Being warm and clear about what you are looking for</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Get a friend to help create your profile if you're not sure. Ideally a friend of the opposite sex.</span></li></ul><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><b><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Starting the conversation</span></b></div><div><b><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Don't be shy....no one is quite sure what the rules are here. If you want to chat to someone, send them a message but not...</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">hey!</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">you up?</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">hi there</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">hello</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">using endearments off the bat (hey darling)</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">straight in with the 'you're so beautiful' type compliments. Ugh. </span></li></ul><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">What works:</span></div></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">An actual sentence... hi there xxx I really liked xxx on your profile</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">A question about something in their profile or a picture</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">A real compliment about something in a photo</span></li></ul></div><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Hope this helps. Good luck with your dating!</span></p><p><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><br /></span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jGh5wBhOUC0/YYRO9961HdI/AAAAAAAASxI/O02CEXhRxL8dIJPmhTe8mWLikt-HaM33gCNcBGAsYHQ/s940/Untitled%2Bdesign.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="788" data-original-width="940" height="268" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jGh5wBhOUC0/YYRO9961HdI/AAAAAAAASxI/O02CEXhRxL8dIJPmhTe8mWLikt-HaM33gCNcBGAsYHQ/s320/Untitled%2Bdesign.png" width="320" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><br /></span><p></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-32930121181860488332020-10-02T21:51:00.000-07:002020-10-02T21:51:08.115-07:00Sensitive skin<p> New podcast - looking after ourselves in a year that feels like a bad case of sunburn that just won’t t heal.</p><p><a href="https://anchor.fm/singleminded/episodes/Sensitive-skin-ekg043" target="_blank">Read it now </a></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qMFFAL7ibno/X3gC_FXm4EI/AAAAAAAAQpE/KPJdVkhKDIoeXbX8OSaLRwexhBLfni2jgCNcBGAsYHQ/s678/E5DE64CE-D8D1-45E3-B02B-E2EA7A536481.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="452" data-original-width="678" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qMFFAL7ibno/X3gC_FXm4EI/AAAAAAAAQpE/KPJdVkhKDIoeXbX8OSaLRwexhBLfni2jgCNcBGAsYHQ/s320/E5DE64CE-D8D1-45E3-B02B-E2EA7A536481.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-48134931122499546942020-09-20T04:08:00.001-07:002020-09-20T04:08:12.836-07:00Cold drink on a hot day<p> New episode.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AWPNn0mPbcQ/X2c4EYhdU2I/AAAAAAAAQoc/7Niz87DrWKQ7BnwORd_qE8-W2EgDGQ_hwCNcBGAsYHQ/s554/AFDF9270-8A29-43E4-9F7E-314F705428CA.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="554" data-original-width="554" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AWPNn0mPbcQ/X2c4EYhdU2I/AAAAAAAAQoc/7Niz87DrWKQ7BnwORd_qE8-W2EgDGQ_hwCNcBGAsYHQ/s320/AFDF9270-8A29-43E4-9F7E-314F705428CA.jpeg" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>A short Rant about the “dating industry” and how it manages to make people feel worse about themselves not better.</p><p><a href="https://anchor.fm/singleminded/episodes/A-cool-drink-on-a-hot-day-ej9tth">listen here</a></p><p><br /></p>susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-8820690020280143062020-08-30T20:44:00.002-07:002020-08-30T20:44:08.588-07:00Forgiveness is for giving<p> Forgiveness is my superpower! </p><p><a href="https://anchor.fm/singleminded/episodes/Forgiveness-eiqkcd" target="_blank">How I do it, and why it matters. </a></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pLXexNXN2fE/X0xxs0d-Z3I/AAAAAAAAQnE/jR9kSMf7Rz81wBdEk8wz4qodOloK7n0AACNcBGAsYHQ/s512/foregive.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pLXexNXN2fE/X0xxs0d-Z3I/AAAAAAAAQnE/jR9kSMf7Rz81wBdEk8wz4qodOloK7n0AACNcBGAsYHQ/s0/foregive.jpg" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-32646085832690422702020-08-26T21:47:00.003-07:002020-08-30T20:47:54.842-07:00Podcast: Don’t stop believing <p> New episode</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UB2ocZ8Pkko/X0xy37ciO7I/AAAAAAAAQnM/3PX25xrEAjkXbp49GJju4P7uNvGv7jriACNcBGAsYHQ/s848/itta-tenacity.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="565" data-original-width="848" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UB2ocZ8Pkko/X0xy37ciO7I/AAAAAAAAQnM/3PX25xrEAjkXbp49GJju4P7uNvGv7jriACNcBGAsYHQ/s640/itta-tenacity.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />Beyond resilience comes tenacity - when the going gets tough, how do the tough keep going?<p></p><p><a href="https://anchor.fm/singleminded/episodes/Tenacity-eid6kc">https://anchor.fm/singleminded/episodes/Tenacity-eid6kc</a></p>susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-25761495499078108172020-07-28T19:03:00.001-07:002020-07-28T19:03:29.702-07:00Podcast Episode 6: Trust me (I might be a Doctor)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SYH-H7JCIlA/XyDYaMI6kMI/AAAAAAAAQBk/kILpAEhpG4EPQJbo6aQicD_a2JHuQDVHQCNcBGAsYHQ/s1600/FB_doctor_bunsen.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="1100" height="186" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SYH-H7JCIlA/XyDYaMI6kMI/AAAAAAAAQBk/kILpAEhpG4EPQJbo6aQicD_a2JHuQDVHQCNcBGAsYHQ/s320/FB_doctor_bunsen.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #5f6369; font-family: "karla" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">Podcast - new episode!</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #5f6369; font-family: "karla" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">We live in a world that requires and engenders trust.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #5f6369; font-family: "karla" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://anchor.fm/singleminded/episodes/Trust-me-I-might-be-a-Doctor-ehb9ar" target="_blank">Listen here</a></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #5f6369; font-family: "karla" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-37419551506222329342020-07-21T17:01:00.003-07:002020-07-21T17:01:43.494-07:00Podcast episode 5: Somebody to lean on<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0PWqOU1bSe8/XxeBb56tcKI/AAAAAAAAQA0/ZAMtmvvmDHMjbHM4cUZD4Gvi_4yUD948ACNcBGAsYHQ/s1600/lean%2Bon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="169" data-original-width="298" height="361" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0PWqOU1bSe8/XxeBb56tcKI/AAAAAAAAQA0/ZAMtmvvmDHMjbHM4cUZD4Gvi_4yUD948ACNcBGAsYHQ/s640/lean%2Bon.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #7f8287; font-family: Karla, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">When the chips are down you need a tribe to support you. This episode is a celebration of mine.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #7f8287; font-family: Karla, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://anchor.fm/singleminded/episodes/Somebody-to-lean-on-egudou/a-a2ljp26" target="_blank">Listen here</a></span>susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-88370112531933059212020-07-13T14:48:00.001-07:002020-07-13T14:48:55.811-07:00Podcast Episode 4: Choice points and liminal space<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UPG9v0u1sWs/XwzWPxDmCMI/AAAAAAAANXc/KayvL9bY6TMYZBjvxY9-eWOZm1NMkaxdACNcBGAsYHQ/s1600/choice%2Bpoints.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="816" data-original-width="1000" height="261" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UPG9v0u1sWs/XwzWPxDmCMI/AAAAAAAANXc/KayvL9bY6TMYZBjvxY9-eWOZm1NMkaxdACNcBGAsYHQ/s320/choice%2Bpoints.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #292f36; font-family: "karla" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">What if you could take control of the space between stimuli and response? How do you know you’re making good choices and not the same old mistakes over and over? Get a grip on liminal space!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #292f36; font-family: "karla" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><a href="https://anchor.fm/singleminded/episodes/My-choice-points-and-liminal-space-egj8vg/a-a2ljp26" target="_blank">Listen to Episode 4 now</a></span></span>susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-15458822452840185602020-07-10T01:02:00.001-07:002020-07-10T01:02:53.745-07:00Podcast Episode 3 - Labels: This is me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XwAH_KLH0Dc/XwggnO9_LiI/AAAAAAAANJ0/U65U3kB4g1YHslSALoaTK5tnFP-j_nt8gCNcBGAsYHQ/s1600/labels.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="299" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XwAH_KLH0Dc/XwggnO9_LiI/AAAAAAAANJ0/U65U3kB4g1YHslSALoaTK5tnFP-j_nt8gCNcBGAsYHQ/s1600/labels.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #7f8287; font-family: Karla, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">We are often quick to give ourselves labels. But what about when you choose to be the sum of your experiences, not defined by them?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #7f8287; font-family: Karla, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://anchor.fm/singleminded/episodes/This-is-me-egg4pn" target="_blank">Listen here</a></span><br />
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/Single-Minded-Endeavours-103432664759002/?ref=bookmarks" target="_blank">Find me on Facebook</a><br />
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<a href="https://anchor.fm/s/27301610/podcast/rss" target="_blank">RSS feed</a>susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-52644267127805501592020-06-28T16:42:00.003-07:002020-06-28T16:42:58.153-07:00Podcast Episode 2: Resilience<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OeSIJMft8KM/Xvkq0nUruAI/AAAAAAAANJA/CdrfKQ8T--svQIdbSCB0Jpp4YVYu0-PbwCNcBGAsYHQ/s1600/150223-Mr-Miyagi-Migos.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="644" data-original-width="967" height="213" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OeSIJMft8KM/Xvkq0nUruAI/AAAAAAAANJA/CdrfKQ8T--svQIdbSCB0Jpp4YVYu0-PbwCNcBGAsYHQ/s320/150223-Mr-Miyagi-Migos.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Knocked down twice, get up three times - A discussion on building resilience.<br />
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<a href="https://anchor.fm/singleminded/episodes/Resilience-eg131e" target="_blank">Listen here</a><br />
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<br />susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-24846710736903949382020-06-22T00:29:00.001-07:002020-06-23T18:10:26.378-07:00Podcast Episode 1 - Vulnerability I did it!<br />
It’s time to move from writing my rants to speaking them straight in your ear!<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-V_0G8m9LVZI/XvKnyLAlqrI/AAAAAAAANIY/vQelPt0KYZgWqFifxWtm57j84_qRJpxxwCNcBGAsYHQ/s1600/papillon.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="500" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-V_0G8m9LVZI/XvKnyLAlqrI/AAAAAAAANIY/vQelPt0KYZgWqFifxWtm57j84_qRJpxxwCNcBGAsYHQ/s200/papillon.png" title="" width="200" /></a>Listen here or on Spotify, itunes or Anchor<br />
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<a href="https://anchor.fm/singleminded/episodes/Baby-shes-got-it---lessons-in-vulnerability-efmaes">https://anchor.fm/singleminded/episodes/Baby-shes-got-it---lessons-in-vulnerability-efmaes</a><br />
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<br />susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-41402701799746599332020-06-04T00:44:00.000-07:002020-06-04T14:54:15.643-07:00Dating a Sapiophile - intelligence is hot<h4 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Dating profiles - blurghh - just the word </span><i style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">dating</i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> gives me a bit of a stomach ache - are at best just a list of all the marvelous qualities one thing one has, and a wishlist of what we want, but ultimately have no bearing on whether you'll actually click with someone in person. In true Pollyanna style, I read through them, ever hopeful of finding something interesting....and that was how I saw this word: SAPIOPHILE. Well... there's a word you don't see on a dating site every day (in fact I don't think I've ever seen it before). And since my own profile includes the statements 'you're looking for someone to share the minutiae of life with' and 'you use words like minutiae', I just had to go there. Oh yes, I did.</span></span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: x-small;"><br /><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A sapiosexual or sapiophile is someone that is turned on by smart people. Sapiosexuals are literally aroused by intelligence. These people can have a tremendous intellectual conversation about anything random or unexpected things. </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> </span><br /><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The word sapiophile comes from the Latin “sapient” meaning “wise” and the Greek suffix “phile” means “lover of”). So, a sapiophile is someone who finds intelligence the most attractive feature and is also romantically/sexually attracted to intelligence in other people. To these people, smart people with a great sense of humor are far more attractive than those with outstanding physical appearance. </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Some sapiosexuals are more into wise, intellectual conversations spiced up with a great sense of humor, while others connect most with emotional intelligence. </span><br /><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>How can you tell if someone is Sapiosexual? </i></span><br /><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: x-small;">A sapiophile loves owning their own library. This is how they get to build their vocabulary and thought processes. </span></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: x-small;">They enjoy long, intimate, and eye-opening conversations. Small talk does not work with these people. </span></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: x-small;">They have a photographic memory. You will be able to remember everything they said and that is very important to them because they will also do the same. </span></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: x-small;">They love debating. You can be sure that the sapiophile will be all over you during a debate or discussion that requires an intelligent thought process. Sapiophiles cannot help themselves from admiring those who are not afraid to speak their minds. </span></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: x-small;">They are extremely curious. The idea of you sitting up all night, researching about a certain topic makes you very attractive to them since this is probably what they would do. </span></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: x-small;">They love education. It may not be a deal-breaker when someone is confident in their own intelligence but sapiophiles tend to love someone that is educated by their side. </span></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>People with open minds. Sapiophiles are very good when it comes to having their own opinion but are also ready to listen to your theories and respond positively. </i></span><i style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">They know their limitations and would own up to not having all the answers.</i></span></li>
<li><i style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: x-small;">Sapiophiles are confident and will be attracted to others like them. They are the bold women or men that are never ashamed to embrace their interests, wants, and needs. They will also be clear about being attracted to an amazing brain rather than to physique. </span></i></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: x-small;">They are obsessed with correct spelling. Spelling mistakes are a turn off for every sapiophile. </span></i></span></li>
<li><i style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: x-small;">They reveal their weird interests easily. They love to hear about what fascinates others, just as they would be willing to share about their own fascinations. </span></i></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: x-small;">Using conversations as foreplay. Beyond the wine and candles, you'll need to work on her or his mind if you want things to progress further. </span></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: x-small;">A sapiophile is attracted to uniqueness. They are more about finding that which stands out as opposed to that which fits in. </span></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: x-small;">The heart is just as important as the mind. Sapiophiles will admire your knowledge, but if you lack emotional intelligence, they will consider you cold. </span></i></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: x-small;"><br /><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Well, that makes sense. </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.legit.ng/1315969-who-a-sapiophile-15-signs-a-person-them.htmlx" target="_blank">read more </a></span></span>susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-67352600054079747042020-05-20T19:55:00.001-07:002020-05-20T19:55:15.787-07:00Good grief<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I had a conversation with someone last night who talked about the experience of when her partner seemingly moved on to 'bigger and better things' without so much as a backward glance. She was left reeling and spent years wondering just what the feck had happened.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">'It felt like he didn't care about me at all' she said. I reflected back a conversation I'd had with someone else who'd been through a similar thing, and that I've blogged about before...that relationships have momentum. They take a while to ramp up, and they can take a long time to slow down too - even after something is over feelings remain, on both sides! I'd add that just because someone is the initiator or 'leaver' it doesn't mean that they won't have lingering feelings of sadness or grief. In fact, if the experiences of my friends are anything to go by, it's often harder for the leaver. They risk being vilified by others, have to justify their position, there's very little sympathy headed their way (unless there was abuse involved...a totally different scenario and not for this post). And, because the uncoupling process may have started long before the relationship ends, they may appear to have it all together and to have moved on, even when they most likely haven't. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Grief is a weird thing - it's not linear. It can hit you at unexpected moments months or years after an event. It can be triggered by a smell, or a taste, or a random comment. You can feel like you've got it all together in the morning, and be falling apart by lunch. And it's private...oh so private. Grief scares people - they don't want to hear that you're not ok, not really. So it tends to be internalised - and that means that even a leaver, who might be really struggling with the aftermath of a relationship breakup (even if they wanted it) may never let on their true feelings.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The point of this post? To remind me and others that we don't know what we don't know. To remember that not only is it ok to be sad when a relationship ends, it's ok to accept that the other person might be sad too, regardless of how it might look from the outside. And to hang on to the idea that grief is actually not such a bad thing if you acknowledge it exists - and if you can learn from an experience that will make you a better person in the long run. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.thehartcentre.com.au/grieving-when-your-relationship-ends-the-3-important-phases/" target="_blank">Read more about grieving a relationship here</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/1986/12/08/style/drifting-apart-a-look-at-how-relationships-end.html" target="_blank">Read more about the process of uncoupling here</a></span>susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-27082877698226936262019-09-16T17:25:00.001-07:002019-09-16T17:25:05.691-07:007 Things I Wish I Knew About Dating In My 20s<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/WZrdb1SBVqA" width="480"></iframe>susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-28014648659070570932016-12-13T19:30:00.000-08:002016-12-13T19:30:16.487-08:00A not so Fairy-tale endingThis week I was required to visit the lawyer to sign various documents relating to property and wellbeing.<br />
In the course of the conversation my lawyer mentioned new relationship laws and how they were tripping up many unsuspecting people who start with the best of intentions but far to often find themselves in a war over assets. There are, it turns out, lots of way to define a relationship (and thus the ownership of assets therein) and I was amazed to learn that living together or being married was not necessarily a prerequisite to entitlement - in fact a relationship that is a realationship to the outside world, regardless of which, or how many homes, the couple reside in, can be a deciding factor.<br />
Rather than get into a subject I am not qualified to discuss, I herewith present their legal opinion on the matter:<br />
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<a href="http://galliemiles.co.nz/relationship-property-not-fairy-tale-ebook/" target="_blank">Read or download</a></div>
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<br />susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-65554092305869087542016-06-20T21:59:00.001-07:002016-06-20T21:59:20.135-07:00A public service announcement - privacy don't matter when your heart ain't breakin'I was given a couple of trashy mags this week - neither are titles I have ever bought, and having idly flicked through them, I can confidently say I never will. Ugh - dodgy fashion, crass Hollywood gossips stories with grainy photographs, and horror of horrors, interviews with vaguely famous local celebs 'confiding' in their loyal readers. They are quite old, so the story is no longer newsworthy, but I think my reaction to them is still valid.<br />
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Thus, after a long long break from blogging, here is today's post.<br />
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According to the article, a couple of weeks earlier a 'personality' told her listeners on air that she was separating from her husband of 30 years (whom she also worked with). The audience, I'm told, held their collective breath, and then 'cried with her' as they heard how there had been no tears at the breakup, that they remained friends, nay, still loved each other, and it was 'no-one's fault, she just lost herself'. And tonight, I read her 'very personal' account in the magazine.<br />
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Call me judgmental - and you can because I know the whole story because she shared it will ME, the reader, in the magazine;, right?...but...REALLY? You confide in 30000 people you've never met, after making announcement of epic personal proportions ON THE RADIO?<br />
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I feel almost embarrassed. I am sure there are people who do have relatively amicable separations, where they drift apart (or whatever soft touch we put on it), in fact probably as many as have loud, tumultuous endings where neither party wants to let go (or one does whilst the other hangs on for grim death). I get that its possible that the couple in question felt that by making a public announcement they could quash rumours before they started, and present a united front to their listener ship. <br />
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I also suspect that the separation was - or at least will be - a power of a lot more painful than the version they are sharing with the world. And this I know because I absolutely believe that any breakup just is. No matter whose 'fault; it is, or isn't. No matter who initiated it. No matter how long or short the relationship. It's the ending of something. Something that once, meant something...everything...to the people involved. My questions are many...does the world really need to know this? Surely one of the things about intimate relationships is that they are, well, intimate? Is a radio announcement or press release really a great way to share this news?<br />
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oh yeah - and Conscious uncoupling my arse. It's a breakup. It sucks. Just say it like it is.<br />
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I feel incredibly sad for this couple, and all who they are close to. Whatever the circumstances, it's not going to be easy, even if in the first instance it feels that way. (There's be horrible people like me judging them for a start...). There'll be do-gooders sharing advice and opinions but probably not ACTUALLY supporting them. But most of all, after 30 years there will be a lifetime to change direction on, and that just isn't easy, no matter how much they still love each other.<br />
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She is describing it as a 'break' - and I sincerely hope it is. After 30 years its going to be one hell of a ride to singledom if it's a permanent thing.<br />
<br />susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-52471898801732878122015-12-24T01:57:00.002-08:002015-12-24T01:57:40.403-08:00<div style="text-align: justify;">
Discussions recently have, of course, focused on the nuttiness that seems to go hand in hand with Christmas when you're single/re partnered/post coupled.</div>
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For every story I hear, there's yet another stupid example of the frailty of humans and our (apparent) lack of ability to 'move on', 'get over it' and 'embrace the season of goodwill'.</div>
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It makes me very sad to hear of children who have to have a change over in well lit public places , or parents who split up the day with military operation to ensure everyone gets 'their share' of the Day. Families who don't speak to each other grieve me even more - and that includes factions of my own.</div>
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I'm all for escaping if that's what you want to do. Christmas in a small nuclear family, or spent alone, if that's your choice - go for it, I say - but be honest about it. Make it your choice. And don't be making everyone else feel bad because of it.</div>
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Frankly it makes me want to run away and avoid Christmas (or any other event that will require blended families to pretend to all like each other) altogether. Except that in mine, other than for one or two people, it works fine. Christmas morning is always spent at my house with my kids, and their Dad, who invariably ends up making breakfast in my kitchen. Lunch with one part of the family, and dinner with another part, and usually involving at least three or four mutations of the blended family at each event.</div>
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Yes, it's possible. It still absolutely sucks, because even after 40 years, there's still a small girl in me that would like to have Christmas with my actual Mum and Dad - and for my kids to have the same. I'd be lying if I said I was completely fine with how life has turned out, but there's no point in dwelling, nor continuing to rehash a past that few can remember properly anyway -so it becomes a wee hurt that gets pulled out and inspected for a few days a month, and then put away with the thankfulness of spirit that allows me (and my kids) to move freely between parents, step parents, currents and exes, and everything in between.</div>
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On a slightly related note, </div>
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Tonight I spoke to my 'host mum' from when I was an exchange student 30 Christmases ago. I'm hoping she'll come and visit again soon. It's one of those amazing friendships that picks up each year where it left even if it's a year between conversations. And there was much news to share. </div>
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I was asked recently, by someone I'd not heard from in quite a long time, how life was, and what was new for me. I answered in a non committal, played down way - no, no news, and no nothing new. Life goes on. Busy busy. Insert cliche here.</div>
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Later, I was bemused at myself...why did I do that? I had loads of news, almost all good and much worth sharing. But at the time, I was mid pre-Christmas hooha (as above) and sadly, this overshadowed the rest. So as I sit here, late on Christmas Eve, I am able to not only breathe in and out, and look forward to the day tomorrow (although it's very weird that tonight the little Engineer has chosen to spend the night with Dad and not here in his own bed - albeit that there's a notice of redirection for Santa on his stocking) - but I am also thinking about all that cool 'news' that makes up life since last Christmas...I'm looking forward to an exciting new job, a new look house, life with a teenager, some new community things I want to get into, some amazing trips away to semi-far flung places, and so it goes on. </div>
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True, life may not have worked out like the fairytale that I think all kids - all people - think they want. But overall, it's pretty good. And the ability of most of the people in my life to be able to put aside their 'stuff' and embrace the season of goodwill, makes this time of year bittersweet, but still something to (MOSTLY::)) look forward to.</div>
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susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-68475174802938916602015-08-18T22:36:00.000-07:002015-08-18T22:39:48.797-07:00the perils of navel gazingThis week I have spent time with several couples all at different stages of their repartnered life. <br />
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One couple have been together more than 30 years, another around 15 years and the other are is only just heading into their third year together. <br />
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The newly repartnered ones have a complex situation - between them and their own exes there are about 9 kids, aged between 6 and 16. They now face the challenges of trying to blend (isn't it more like a hurricane than a blend!) everyone into a new life. There's houses to find (can you even imagine how many bedrooms and bathrooms they need!), personalities to co-ordinate and budgets to negotiate.<br />
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I think thirty years ago, maybe even 15, there was no where near the amount of ruminating and evaluation in the decision to repartner that there is now. Back then, if you found yourself in the unfortunate position of being post- partnered, and were lucky enough to meet someone else, you just got on with it. I'm pretty sure that people in my parents generation didn't spend much time on asking questions of themselves like ''but am I happy?', Will this relationship fulfill my needs? Where is my identity in this? Am I compromising too much? But how will we <i>make it work? </i>It wasn't even a ''love will conquer all'' mindset - it was just a sense of gratitude that you were able to find another person to do life with, and a belief that because you'd got a second chance, it would work out for the best (or you'd die trying).<br />
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On the other hand, since the natural order of things is to be in a relationship, I think modern society has made it easier, and more acceptable to repartner more than once, more than twice. And the statistics are grim for second time around. About a 20% success rate apparantly.<br />
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There's whole websites dedicated to making us thinking about, and worrying about whether or not we're happy in our relationships and whether they are succesful or not. And then leading us to the conclusion that if we're not, it must be the relationship that is the issue. We made the wrong choice. We sacrificed too much. We are not being honest with ourselves, or being authentic or whatever, because if we were, we'd be just <i>so happy</i> and the relationship would be unfolding beautifully in front of us, the wrongs of previously liasons but hazy memories, and the mistakes we made in the ''first time round'' no longer likelihoods. And it's <i>not our fault. </i>It's just life. It's just relationships that have no guarantees. We did the best we could right?<br />
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Good grief, what a total load of shite that all is. On so many levels. Of course people make us happy or unhappy. Or course if you feel miserable in a relationship you're going to want out. And of course there's a 99.9% chance it's not the person (or the relationship) that is the cause of the unhappiness - it's all about what's going on in the inside don't you know... (Actually there's probably some truth to that but that's not my point here)<br />
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My question today is this - who is better off? The generation ago couple who 'got on with it', or the generation now couple who get out before it turns ugly? The person who compromises or the one who 'suffers in silence'. The one who thinks 'thank God I'm not single' or the one who looks in and thinks 'thank God I am'. I don't know. But this I do know:<br />
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Too much navel gazing. Too much reading. And way too much time paying attention to the fairy tales that fill the internet. <br />
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<br />susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-48720407593684686342015-08-11T00:54:00.002-07:002015-08-11T01:57:00.145-07:00Ain't nobody love like you do<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This is, I think, the biggest load of rubbish ever to appear on the interwebs. I still agree that 'I'm not happy' when spoken from the inside of a relationship, probably has absolutely nothing to do with the relationship, or the person you're supposedly not happy with. (and I'm going to continue to agree with that til my dying day too because otherwise there's waaaay too many people out there that I have made unhappy :p). Its quite likely that it s a contributor though, but that's a story for another post. </div>
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But I do believe it's rubbish because of this bit: 'Love yourself'. </div>
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What the heck does that even mean? I can say I quite like myself, most of the time, and there are things about myself that I love some of the time, but LOVE myself. Yeah nah. Respect myself? Yes. Love my body? Only in a 'thanks for getting me through the day/down to the shop kind of way but certainly not in a 'look in the mirror and kiss my muscles' way. Consider myself my own best friend and the person I most want to spend time with? (ie love). Errrr no. I rather prefer the company of others, an OTHER, MY other. </div>
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And what about those days that I'm feeling particularly unloving towards myself (usually involving wine, cheese, late nights or a combination thereof)? Does that mean that because I don't love myself I can't love someone else? That those days when I don't even like myself that I can't love anyone else? (and anyone who's suffered depression knows that this can be a long few days). That's the bit I find the most offensive. </div>
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(Now, before there is a flurry of responses from my two regular readers, I'd like to point out that whilst I think this 'you can only love another if you love yourself' stuff is total BS, that DOESN'T mean that I think self esteem is not important, nor do I think it's ok to abuse or misuse your body. Self loathing is a whole other topic, and one I have no right nor appropriate qualification to preach about. </div>
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But back to self love. Love is a word that gets thrown about a bit to much I think. I LOVE that movie. I love HER. I love FOOD. Put in this context I just can't add I love ME to the list. And so think we do ourselves a huge disservice by trotting out responses like this one, and others like</div>
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Even 'you dodged a bullet there' is all a bit....twee? And all of those expressions, especially the first and last, imply that the person is, well a bit inept when it comes to matters of the heart - which, following the logic of the love yourself statement, also means that the deliverer of this message means that actually, you don't have very good self esteem , or worse, you're actually a bit of a loser.</div>
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Yes, I think we all need to have a good dose of self esteem in order to maintain healthy relationships. I also think that LOVE should be unconditional - given freely and without judgement. Just in the same way it should be received. But the reality is that even the person who 'feels' the most unlovable can still love another. And in fact that person can still BE loved by another.</div>
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I do not doubt that I need to like myself. That I need to be comfortable in my own skin even when as gets wrinkly. That I need to be ok with my own company. That I can't be constantly reliant on others to make me feel good (although isn't that what community and family and relationship is kind of all about?). That I probably have to consider myself at least a bit lovable in order to attract a partner. (funny how those that don't think that so often end up with people who truly don't love them anyway - but ah again a post for another time)</div>
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To be loved, without reservation, is what makes me feel able to return that love. Its what makes me, I suppose, feel that I can love who I am as a person.. So is that the sign of crap self esteem? Maybe. I certainly know how depleting it is to love and not have that love returned. But loving oneself to fill the lovetank? How on earth can that even work? </div>
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Love yourself first? No way. The problem with the 'self love' proponents is that they will ALWAYS put themselves first. And frankly that just doesn't sit well with me. And it is, I think, ultimately a lonely life. I believe, that in giving, and receiving, love <i>in equal measure</i>, that the internal love tank gets filled. And therein is the key. . Or at least (in my fluffy clouds and rainbows world) it should be. I think to feel lovable, and to be love-able, is a result of loving others. Love is, and should be, a two way thing</div>
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And, given the choice, investing my time and energy into loving others is a far better option for me than dedicating it to loving myself. </div>
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<br />susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-58220490062171082762015-04-22T15:11:00.003-07:002015-04-22T15:27:31.622-07:00fake it til you break it<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://single-minded-endeavours.blogspot.co.nz/2013/10/we-need-to-talk.html">'Why is it that we turn away from each other when faced with pain, rather than to our greatest source of potential healing?. As every currently unpartnered person knows - the totally stupid thing is that all too often we see leaving the problem as a whole lot more attractive option than fixing it. ' </a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So I wrote a year and a half ago (which seems like a lifetime, and almost is in this crazy post coupled world...) I am still no closer to knowing the answer to the question I posted to myself other than to be able to confirm that my observation is absolutely true. Dr Phil would say (and I'm not ENTIRELY sure I agree), that </span></div>
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''You don't ever solve a relationship problem by turning away from your partner. Turn toward each other to fix what's wrong, don't look outside the marriage. Any time you turn away from your partner to fulfil your needs instead of toward him/her, it's a betrayal. Want to know if some behaviour is cheating? If you wouldn't do it with your spouse right next to you, it's cheating. ''</div>
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Is this common...normal...behaviour? Seems so - if the (horribly large) number of single and re partnered people I've talked to are anything to go by. After seeing people take up breakup makeup and fake up for the past 7 years, I'd say that that almost EVERY one I know, (who didn't turn inwards to their partner) upon having a problem outside of their 'relationship' has ended up splitting, and now I'm watching yet another someone go through a 'should I shouldn't I' situation.<br />
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But here's the thing...what if it's not a relationship problem? What if the problem you have is something else entirely? What if the ''need' that the good Doctor refers to is not about your partner . Maybe Work? Family? Health? Does it still translate into 'anywhere but here'?. We seem to have this ability to think that if we're feeling loved up, everything will seem more manageable too, cos love will see us through (ah the attractiveness of that!). And so if there's no lovin' feelings, it's time to get out. For some weird reason, we seem to be able to forget that the problems are there regardless of who the partner is (or isn't). I'd hazard a guess nearly every time, a 'relationship problem' isn't that at all. Where-ever you go you are and all that...</div>
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Seems that there's this weird combination that happens to the post married - we spend a F**ktonne more time navel gazing about the state of a life/relationship/state of mind, and yet on the other hand, having been through what we consider to be the worst of times (as a marriage or LTR ending usually is), have this ability to make a decision to cut loose without too much angst, especially if the grass is looking tantalisingly greener from the murky old window we are are looking through. And I concede, that sometimes it is...for a time. But I know of only one couple, just one, in my entire life, whose greener grass is still alive beyond the usual up to 3 year honeymoon period (as per Dr Phil and every other dating experts time line advice....) Sure isn't the drivel on blogs like this all about people who need to ruminate on what is, what was ,and could be?</div>
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Does that mean one should stick in a relationship they are not sure about, or that they believe is making them unhappy just because...well for no reason really? Good grief no. And nor should it mean pursuing one that youre not sure about. But I STILL say, having worn this t-shirt more than once, that stopping and thinking...and evaluating the NOW before jollying off elsewhere is still a better place to start. Talking from hard won experience, it's a long road to get into a quality partnership of any kind, a feckin hard thing to uncouple, harder still to get the nerve to start over, and whilst one might argue that breakups get easier the more you have them (yeah that sounds like a fun way to live life....), nothing ever changes if you don't.<br />
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If there's a lesson here (and one I've learned the hard way more than once) its that you have to know yourself and like that person before you can even know (and like) someone else for any length of time. You have to be brave enough to stop and let another person see the true you rather than (or before) taking another version of yourself to market. The truth will always out (and other cliches) apply here. You have to decide if it's the person standing in front of you that's the problem or not (probably not...). Honesty is hard. Being true to yourself is hard. NOT being true to yourself is hard! But breakups are, in the end, harder. Just saying. </div>
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Sermon over. Your thoughts, as always, are welcome. </div>
<br /><br /> <br /> <br /> </span>susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-74044170608693451802014-11-14T13:42:00.001-08:002014-11-14T21:20:15.794-08:00Hit and miss<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Many of us are overwhelmed with pain, undigested sadness, unexpressed anger, unseen truths. This is where we are at, as a collective. So we have two choices. We can continue to pretend it’s not there, shame and shun it in ourselves and others, distract and detach whenever possible. Or we can face it heart-on, own it within ourselves, look for it in others with compassion, create a culture that is focused on authenticity and healthy emotional release. </i></b></div>
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<b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>If we continue to push it all down, we are both creating illness and delaying our collective expansion. But if we can just own the shadow, express it, release it, love each other through it, we can finally graduate from the School of Heart Knocks and begin to enjoy this magnificent life as we were intended. Pretending the pain isn’t there just embeds it further. </i></b></div>
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<b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Let’s illuminate it instead <a href="https://www.facebook.com/SOULSHAPING?hc_location=timeline">Jeff Brown - Soulshaping</a></i></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Grief is, I think, the crappiest emotion that we as humans have to go through. To lose something, even if it's only a projection of reality, creates pain. And pain is at the heart of loss. On <a href="http://mighty-acorns.blogspot.com/2014/11/lessons-in-pet-ownership.html" target="_blank">my other blog</a> last week I talked about sadness and pain in a broader sense and of course I don't want to lose myself in that pain but I also have to acknowledge my reality. And I will no longer mask that. I will not lie about it any more. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Nearly three months have passed since my last relationship ended. (Sheesh that's ironic. I thought it was going to be my ''last'' relationship! but I digress)... And as my readers will know, this blog, whilst a summation of many of my deepest thoughts and wishes, is not the place I tend to detail my liaisons, short long or otherwise.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But today, as I sit in bed, with a laptop, a phone, a book and a cup of coffee - inanimate, not talking things that may not require my attention, but don't give me any either - I am feeling in a different place. I am so TIRED. I am tired of bouncing around telling everyone how awesome my life is. Or worse, them reminding me. (Ironically, it is, mostly). I am tired of being reminded of my own worth (yeah I know that - but who gives a toss when the person you wanted to value you most, doesn't). I'm tired of having to act like I don't care. Like I'm a cool single woman who actually got a lucky break, if only she was clever enough to realise it. I'm tired of having to pretend I'm ''over it''. I'm feckin' tired of people telling me I should be! I'm tired of still feeling feelings that I thought would have faded. I have tired of feeling like I just been hit in the solar plexus and am still gasping for air. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">About a year ago, I had a conversation with someone I cared deeply about. We talked about being honest, about searing truth, about abandoning rules in favour of following hearts. ''F**k the rules, I don't care for rules right now' - that's what we said! I decided to live by it. Back then I wanted to hear certain words above all others and so I chose to ignore (or at least, accept) some things that troubled me, trusting that to be honest, and to abandon rules, and ''follow my heart'' was ultimately going to work out for the best for me (and my relationships). I believed that those actions would lead to happiness for me. In fact, it didn't work out at that way at all and now someone else has abandoned the rules, followed their heart and as a result it is me who (actually, if I'm going to continue to honour those rules and be honest) is frickin' miserable. And here I am - doing it again now. I'm going to abandon rules, I'm going to be searingly honest whenever I can, and I'm going to tell the truth. Not because I don't have an otherwise good life, not because I don't value myself, not because of anything other than this:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I still miss that relationship.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Do I miss feeling that in the end I wasn't enough? Good grief no. Do I miss the days when I was anxious and wondering was it me doing wrong, but too afraid to address it in case I really was the problem? Ahhh no. Do I miss the things that drove me nuts (cos we all have them)? Erm, maybe, maybe not. Do I miss worrying that the future was fading and feeling helpless to change that? Nope. Do I miss the pain I went through at the end? Hell no. No way. And yes I'm smart enough to know that the reality is that no good relationship should have those feelings.. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But there it is. I miss it. . I miss shared history and a planned shared future (OK so it turns out it was only me planning it but still). I miss the easy conversation that we had from the first time we met. I miss the shared interests - the ones I had before and the new passions I discovered but are no longer mine to share. Dancing. God I miss dancing. I miss the non stop fun and excitement, the boring mundane-ness. I miss sleep ins, wake ins, early nights and late ones. I miss being part of a two person team. I miss not being able to pick up the phone to share something funny, or important, or not important at all. I miss being and having an ally. I miss being and having a supporter. I miss having someone to go out with, and come home with. I miss making complicated food and pouring over-sized drinks. I miss sharing secrets and confidences. I miss planning things with someone else. I miss the feelings of trust that go with being in a relationship. I miss hearing compliments and reassurances. I miss hugs. I miss feeling important and valued by someone I felt the same about. I miss it all. And at the heart of this I miss the person who I believed was my best friend. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Im sad that I know stuff that I no longer have a right to be supportive about. I'm sad that it is no longer my role to be the ally, the confidante, the soft place. I hate the fact that I still want it to be. I hate that I am having to, again, reshape what my future is going to look like. I just don't wanna!!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Maybe I have unrealistic views of what relationship is. Obviously I do or I wouldn't even be writing this would I!? I want it all. I want to share my life with someone, and I want that shared life to be a source of happiness for others. I want to be looked at like I'm the only woman in the room. I want to be able to have good days and bad days...or weeks...or years!...and be able to allow someone else to do the same. I want it in sickness and in health, I don't care if its for richer or poorer. I'll gladly take the worse with the better. I want to be someones lover, best friend, ally, sparring partner, thought companion and challenger. I want to be first choice. Every time. Every. Time. I want it all. I hope one day I can find that.</span></div>
susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-54183301886722176282014-11-12T02:50:00.000-08:002014-11-12T03:04:39.552-08:00what a friend would do - part twoI was thinking today ....about the people we treat best in our lives...the most consistently, with the most respect, with the most kindness and tolerance...the ones we are loyal to in the most trying of circumstances, the ones we take phone calls from at odd hours, make endless cups of coffee for when we have far more pressing issues to attend to, that we ignore the foibles and habits of.<br />
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How odd it is that these people are not our family - our kids, our sibling our parents. They are not our employers. They are not even our spouses . That group - family, significant others, employers - we make public promises to, even sign contracts with!<br />
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Don't you think it's strange, that the ones to whom we make no promises, that we don't have an ''official'' lifelong commitment to, that we don't have to provide a service to, or have a contract with....these people are 'just' our friends and no more - or no less, depending on your perspective. <br />
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I get that no one wants to lose a friend. Especially a close one. Extra especially your ''best friend''. I suppose that is why we treat those friendships with care, for years and years and years. Others come and go, but the best friend is there for ever and those friendships somehow endure everything.<br />
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Is it because we give our ''best selves'' to those friendships? We only ever show our best side, because the risk of warts and all might be too much for the friendship to bear? Or is is that we give everything and bare everything, and trust that the best friend will stick around anyway? I know my best friends have seen the best and worst of me and they are still there, decades later.<br />
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Why then, do we not afford the people we profess to love the most (sometimes have publicly and legally professed it even!) the same? Does familiarity breed contempt? Or do we have some weird subconscious belief that a spouse will stick around regardless of our behaviours, where a friend would not? Is it because we feel so safe with our spouse/family member that we can, for a time, abandon kindness or respect, sometimes in the name of honesty - or even untruth?<br />
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Shouldn't we be treating that person with even more (insert quality here) than anyone else in our lives?<br />
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I think so. But we don't. Not all the time anyway. And when a friend does betray us in some way, or act unkindly or inconsistently, its SO hard not to hurt, and hurt deeply. Somehow it is a wound that takes a long time to heal. Weirdly, to be abandoned by a friend seems to hurt as much, if not more, than to endure a failed relationship.<br />
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I love the idea of my SO being my best friend, and have had the joy and privilege of this in the past. (and yes I know that friendship alone is of course not enough to any more than romantic love is, or any other single part of - I know that what works is being in a whole, sustainable relationship). And I think in the early times of relationship we do apply those same standards. But I'm talking about long term mature relationships here - the ones that we all want (or at least most people do). The ones that get past crazy stupid love and into the deep trusting place of commitment and enduring love. The ones that could get so easily and dangerously close to the 'taking for granted'' place, the ''I don't really feel that friendly right now'' space. The ''I think I need a new hobby'' place! The 'I wish she'd just get out of my face'' space!<br />
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So...imagine if we treated our most significant others, and our relationships with them, with the same care and attention that we do a close friend - for ever! The fierce loyalty, 'drop anything for you' generous kind and 'best selves forward' kind of friendship we have with our best friends. What different relationships they might be. <br />
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Right now, I'm really not enjoying living in the moment. Exactly one year ago today I was engulfed in more sadness that I could have imagined possible. A few people knew about it - and a few more thought they did - but almost no-one knew the actual details, save one or two trusted friends, and the Doctor who was urging me to start taking medication (I lasted two days before deciding it made me worse not better, and will not go ''there'' again - for how can you truly live in the moment if the moment is dulled by chemicals?)<br />
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My 'seizing the day' action was to choose to be continue being searingly, bravely honest with someone, and asking them to be the same with me, and, as a result of that, I came out of those depths and moved into a new way of normal. A few weeks earlier it would have been incomprehensible that I would have been in this position at all, and so today it seems absolutely beyond belief that I am here again.<br />
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The details of what happened in the ensuing year, and how I came to be in a place of sadness again are kind of irrelevant - the purpose of my writing is to simply try and make sense of how I feel <i>today. </i>And today I feel...the sun is too bright, the night too dark, voices too soft, music too loud. My mind is full and yet empty, I feel everything and nothing. I have clarity and total fogginess. I am, curiously. both insanely happy and insanely sad. There's a sense of inevitability and normalcy about where I am in life now, and yet also the feeling that my world has been knocked off its axis and literally onto another one.<br />
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I understand that this will pass. It has before. These feelings will, most likely, happen again - that's life right? We live, we love, we lose, and we gain again.<br />
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To risk love of any kind, and to be vulnerable means to risk pain and loss. That I understand. There are no guarantees in life, no matter how much we want them, offer or promise them, or even endeavour to deliver on them. Believing this is also a part of living in the moment, because it has to be. It's the price we pay for being human.<br />
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But for today, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxKWTzr-k6s" target="_blank">thoughts really are like butterflies..</a>.<br />
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<br />susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-62827333551683464852014-09-26T04:51:00.003-07:002014-09-26T04:53:23.566-07:00The search for a soul mate - fact, fiction or flight of fancyBack in <a href="http://single-minded-endeavours.blogspot.co.nz/2011/09/layers-of-complexity.html" target="_blank">November 2011</a> I confessed my secret but deep held belief in soul mates. I wanted to believe that there is this one person out there that is a true match - the one that 'gets' us the most. The one that we can be the most honest and vulnerable with. Yes the one who 'completes' us just like the corny movie.<br />
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I DO want to believe that. I do WANT to believe that. I do want to BELIEVE that. But there's a problem...you see I know lots of people who have thought they have met their soul mate - announced it, celebrated it - and it hasn't worked out for them. So that begs rather a lot of questions...Can we have more than one soul mate? What if they die? What if you're together two years...ten years...twenty years... and then it doesn't work out?..Were they still your soul mate? Does a soul mate have to be a life partner? What if you never meet your soul mate...does that mean you're destined to have that missing piece for ever? What if you meet who you believe to be your soul mate, but you are not theirs? What if there is a meeting of souls, undoubtedly and profoundly, but life circumstances threaten (or worse actually are able) to overwhelm that 'supernatural' connection with boring reality? What if...what if....what if....<br />
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I don't have any answers...I wish I did. I think we all want to not just meet that person who seems to be our perfect fit, but to know that we can give them our soul for safe keeping and know that it really is going to be cherished and guarded forever. <br />
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Its a romanticised view...I get that. I know that it takes more than a few seconds, more than a few months to know someone...to <i>know their soul. </i>I know that the soul can be dark and ugly and unlovable at times, just as it can be bright and inviting and possibly only a projection of something else at others. I get that a meeting of minds, a connecting of souls, or any other joining is potentially in the realm of the ephemeral and could well bear no relevance to the realities and vagaries of every day life. So then what? <br />
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Of all the reading I have done on this, the views are completely polarised, and little offers any sensible, rational explanation of why we continue to cling to this ideal of finding a soul mate. Because that is the key - we are spiritual beings and as such want to nurture that element in ourselves. But on the other hand we are also human, grounded on earth with the wants needs and selfish desires of people, not angels.<br />
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To date, the only thing I have found that makes the slightest bit of sense - even thought it rather flies in the face of all that I thought I believed! - is some writing by an American psychologist (sorry about that) who says:<br />
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... if an individual wants intensely-passionate, short-term flings, then belief in soul mates will serve them well. Finding those initial commonalities and connections will feel like magic. It will be an excellent emotional high, at least while the illusion of perfection lasts.</div>
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In all relationships, however, disagreement, conflict, and incompatibility will arise. Ultimately, no one is perfect - or a perfect fit for a partner. It takes work, growth, and change to keep a relationship going and satisfying over time. When that happens, soul mate believers often become upset, disillusioned, and uncommitted....if an individual finds they are repeatedly falling in love with the "perfect" partner, only to be disappointed and dumping them soon after, their belief in soul mates may be to blame. It may cause them to give up when things are not perfect (but may be still good or great). It may motivate them to not compromise, work, or change, when others don't love them completely for being exactly as they are. Ultimately, it may continually drive them to believe that life would be more satisfying with someone else and endlessly look for a more compatible partner, rather than working to fit with, and be satisfied by, a very good one.</div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">In the end, it is a bit of a cruel joke. A belief in soul mates may prevent individuals from finding the very relationships they think they are destined to have!</span><br />
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Read the full article <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201207/why-you-shouldnt-believe-in-soul-mates" target="_blank">here</a>. As always, your comments and thoughts are welcome.<br />
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<br />susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075164420675128690.post-21964290325406233982014-09-18T04:38:00.000-07:002014-09-18T04:44:41.666-07:00Nothing else matters<div style="text-align: justify;">
Its a curious thing this blogging. Especially on a topic as... fraught... with emotion, as relationships are. Dating, and breaking up, and all that stuff in between is both intensely personal and yet one of things that pretty much everyone in the world experiences in much the same way.</div>
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What's even weirder, is that a blog like this - or at least, a blogger like me - gets to pour their heart out to a faceless audience - the feelings and thoughts that, if I was on a date, or even in ''getting to know you stage'' would be considered totally off limits (way too intense, way too honest, way too scary!), and yet if I were in a relationship, would largely be completely moot points - after all, you're already there, right - no need to share the hopes and aspirations of something now attained - especially with the madding crowd!</div>
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And so as I reflect on the couple of hundred posts I've made so far, and can see the common themes, I find myself, once again, deliberating about whether or not in fact it is wise or even realistic to be sharing such deeply personal thoughts. I have been variously described on here as too vulnerable, appealingly vulnerable, too honest, comfortingly honest, too ''real'', reassuringly sincere, and just about every other polarised opposite there could be when it comes to reflecting on human emotions. </div>
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And today, I'm feeling especially honest. A little bit sorry for myself truth be told. I think that's allowed sometimes don't you? It seems to be beyond belief that after nearly 7 years since my marriage ended, I am still (yet again, usually...insert adverb here), single. Its not through lack of trying, and there are times when I'll admit, a good dose of self pity overwhelms me...the days when I think...how the HECK can it be, that yet again, I find myself holding the tissue box and wondering what just happened there!?! How can something...someone.. that plan and hope for a future..once so real, so....well... REAL turn out not to be, after all.</div>
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I can handle being alone. In fact I do it quite well. I'm OK with doing it for a while. A long while if need be. But it's not what I want from life. It just isn't. And I don't think there's many out that that DO want to be alone for the rest of their lives. </div>
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Surely there can be no worse feeling in the world that realising that you don't matter. Whether that be matter at all - or worse, not matter <i>any more</i> - no one wants to be rejected, passed over or usurped, even if there are (arguably) noble reasons for it happening. Of course we MATTER as human beings without needing that from one specific being. I'm not denying that. In fact we should -to put ones happiness in the the hands of another is a huge responsibility to hand over. But I do believe that most people want to find that one person to whom they matter most. </div>
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One of my favourite songs ever, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAGnKpE4NCI" target="_blank">Metallica - Nothing Else Matters</a>, says this: (and yes I know it's just cheesy lyrics - humour me here!)</div>
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">So close no matter how far</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Couldn't be much more from the heart</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Forever trusting who we are</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">And nothing else matters</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Never opened myself this way</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Life is ours, we live it our way</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">All these words I don't just say</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">And nothing else matters</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Trust I seek and I find in you</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Every day for us something new</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Open mind for a different view</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">And nothing else matters</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Never cared for what they do</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Never cared for what they know</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">But I know</span></div>
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How awesome, to feel so safe, that your trust could be so complete, that nothing else really did matter. Of course there's real life to consider - it's not REALLY possible to disregard it. But I think the key here is that the writer of this song saw his love as the thing that was above all other distractions.</div>
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The things I have always said I was seeking and offering, these things have not changed. A soft place to fall...a soft place to be. To be cherished. To MATTER. </div>
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susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04240548697797268944noreply@blogger.com0