Wednesday, 6 June 2012

what the heck is going on here

Well dear readers, I have decided to stop handing out advice and ruminations today, and instead ask for your thoughts on something.
It is becoming very apparant to me that the only common denominator in the string of disasters experiences that equate my dating life, is me.  I've spent a year writing about my thoughts on navigating a coupled world, and shared some of my stories for your reading pleasure.  The topics have been wide and varied.  But few people make comments.
Below is a summary of some of the things I've reflected on.
So, your feedback please...

- do you believe that there are no good men/women left out there?
- is it realistic to accept that by the time we get beyond 40 most of us have so much baggage we need a second vehicle to carry it with us?
- is it really the mans job to do all the work, especially in the early stages of a relationship?
- can men and women really be friends? And if so, why would you, especially if what you are actually seeking is a real relationship?
- Is it really a numbers game?
- If someone really wants you, would it be reasonable to expect they would make some major changes in their life to make it happen, or is timing/circumstance a real issue?
- are women too picky?
- are men too unrealistic?
- does the reverse apply?
- why do men work so freaking hard to get the first/second/third date, and then go completely off the boil? Are they really not that into you, or is the thrill of the chase all that counts?

Looking forward to your miriad of responses....


  1. In the seven years since my divorce, I've dated a lot and had a lot of relationships. So I guess you can say I'm experienced in this area.

    Yes, there are good men out there. Just like there are good women, such as you and me.

    We all have baggage, but some definitely more than others. I'm not prepared to be with someone who has a bitter relationship with his ex-wife, has young children, has troubled teens, etc. To me, that's too much baggage.

    I believe in letting the man pursue. This doesn't mean the woman shouldn't show interest, however. My mantra to my friends is, "If a guy is interested, he will call you." I advise them not to pick up the phone and call or text the man. Men like the hunt.

    I am friends with one of my short term ex-boyfriend's. He's my only male friend. I think he struggles a bit more at being friends as he is attracted to me, but I'm not attracted to him at all. I tried to be, because he's such a nice guy but after two months I knew it was never going to happen.

    It is a numbers game. I went on 9 dates on plenty of fish in 3 weeks, and only liked one guy. Over the next week or two, I went on a couple of more. I'm only dating that one guy, which is about 1 for 12.

    I think timing has a lot to do with whether or not a relationship works out. Are you both ready for the same thing at the same time?

    I wouldn't generalize that all women are this and all men are that. I find that men are definitely more into looks than a woman is. It seems also that men like younger women too. I'm 51 and I've had no problem attracting men from ages 48 to 58. That's the age range I prefer. I find that the men at the older end are much more respectful of me and are courteous and gentlemanly, so I actually prefer that the man is older.

    There is some saying about date #3 being the date that makes or breaks a potential relationship. I'm not sure why this is.

    I'm sorry that you seem pessimistic about the whole dating and relationship thing, but I can certainly understand. I'm at a good point in that process right now, but that's subject to change at any moment. Dating takes courage and determination. I believe that if you stick with it, good things will result. Eventually.

  2. Thanks sheryl for your thoughtful response. My questions were a culmination of all that I have written, including thoughts of others and so it was great to get another perspective.
    I'm a little younger than you but agree that courtesy et al is rather more prevalent in older (50+) men, but that doesn't necessarily translate into relationship-ability:).

    I am not necessarily pessimistic, but I am trying to be realistic about what might be in front of me. I have taken a serious knock this year and working through the aftermath.

  3. Yes there are still plenty of good men and women out there, although there are also plenty of somewhat damaged ones too. So it does become a numbers game, sorting through them, and in our busy lives with kids, that is a more difficult and obstacle ridden path.
    We are who we are, that is we are human and make mistakes, as well as we are in a way the person we are and it is not going to change significantly. Our tastes are somewhat set as well.
    Sometimes men and women can be just friends, but the expectation of what friends entails can vary. I am not talking fwb here, although it seems it is often on the agenda.

    Picky, unrealistic, it is easy to be when you are looking at a catalogue..with glossy photoshopped pictures..but ladies, I do not think men are as fussy as you percieve them to be. Adverse to drama yes...
    I do think men like the chase, after reading the book 'He is just not that in to you', I have the question of if he isnt in to you enough to chase you , call you, tell you how much he likes you, would you want him anyway?
    We do get excited about the thrill of the chase, but remember, if we have just met on the internet, then we have an idealised romaticised picture of you in our heads, and after a month of dating, we realise you dont match that picture, and disillusionment sets in. It wasnt meant to be. Nothing wrong with you, just not the right one for them.
    Women seem more determined to make relationships work, they are relational beings.

    1. Perhaps then the key lies in being able to say earlier, rather than later, this isn't working for me. The polite version of ''next!!!''?