the no more tears formula

Yesterday I went to a wedding.  The truth is I didnt' actually want to go. Not because I didn't wish the happy couple every good thing, but because of the reasons I wrote about back at
here

So it was with more than a little trepidation that I got my fancy dress on and drove two hours in the pouring rain (OK so I wasn't actually the one doing the driving but still) to go and see a couple I barely know get hitched.  This was my also to be my first experience of a ''second time around for both'' wedding amongst my peers - the last having been when I was a child and my parents friends were all re partnering.

The wedding was held in a small marquee at a friends house, in fact the place these two had met just a year before.  The bride wore red, the groom wore a kilt.  All the invited guests were asked to declare their blessing on the marriage.  There were friends old and new, children and grandchildren of the happy couple.  The vows were spontaneous and delightful (him) and incredibly heartfelt  (her).  The readings were agnostic and humorous but clearly chosen with them both in mind.  The service lasted all over 15 minutes and then it was over.

There were no sweeping statements - no denial that both of these people had ''been there before'' - and an acknowledgement of all that had been, whilst still with the feeling of excitement and anticipation that any new marriage should have.

It was lovely.  It was real. It made me believe in happy ever after.

And I didn't cry a single tear.

a healthy dose of self pity

Life has a way of backing up on me.  Things can be swimming along very nicely (thank you very much!) and suddenly there's a nasty rip that feels like it's going to suck me under.

I've had a few weeks of rough weather at sea now.  A friend called in last night and in the course of the conversation told me of her own bad few weeks.  I remarked that I felt I couldn't take a single thing more - the stress levels are high enough thanks, and one more little thing might just be my undoing.

Of course the reality is one more little thing won't make much difference at all.  The things that I'm struggling with right now are no different to those of a million others out there - job insecurity, financial uncertainty, growing children and the ensuing parenting issues, an aging body.  I moan too much about ''doing it alone'' when in reality I'm not.  I've got good kids. I'm in a great community, I have a great partner and I co-parent pretty effectively with the father of my children.  What right do I have to complain, really?

Well, here's the rub.  Perception actually is reality.  So on the days when I feel like I'm doing it alone, I actually am doing it alone.  On the days when lifes challenges feel insurmountable they probably are.

The lesson for me - be kind to myself, be kind to others.  Back to my old mantra - offer grace and be be gracious in return.  Remember that life is always going to give me a few lemons.  It really is up to me to get stuck in and make the lemonade.

relationship advice you already know but need reminding of

Considering the disastrous  eventful few years I've just had, you would probably be quite right in saying that I am the last person who should be giving relationship advice.  But, based on the fact that prior to aforementioned eventfulness I managed a 16 year relationship, and have now started the  re partnering process (successfully thus far;)), I have decided to share some of the gems of knowledge learned through experience - both mine and others - in vain hope that someone, somewhere, might gain from it.

I thereby present:
10 things I wish I knew about relationships then, but do now

1. It's only a phase if you can see an end in sight - and if you can't,  you are taking steps to change something. The same goes for ''rough patches'' and ''ups and downs'' .  If you do nothing the phase will become a habit and that, my friend, will be the end of your relationship
2. There's no such thing as one person being unhappy in a relationship.  Whether they or you admit it, if one person is unhappy it's about 99% likely so is the other one
3. If something is really troubling you in your relationship, you HAVE to address it, talk about it, discuss it.  No ifs, no buts.  This is not about compromise or being accommodating. This is about actually 'fessing up about something you're unhappy with
4. Actually your friends and family do have a fair idea of how ''things are going'' for you, so be under no illusions that you're keeping up a happy face even if you're miserable.
5. If you believe your (healthy)  relationship is truly worth fighting for then do everything in your power to keep it.  Everything. Move towns, change jobs, whatever. Nothing is more important.
6. Pay attention to amber lights.  Pay extra attention to red lights. Every time.
7. If you feel like a relationship isn't progressing because the other person ''isn't that into you'' (be honest here), then run/walk/limp away and maintain your dignity.  If someone wants you, you'll know
8. You are always worth it.
9. Privacy is good. Discernment is fine. Secrecy is not.  If you are a secret, or you are keeping a secret, then your relationship is not real.
10. Listen to your instincts. Every time.  Every single time.

terms of endearment

Somewhere along the way, you're going to want to call your SO something cute right?

When no one else is listening you might be tempted to throw in a 'honeybun' or something similar.  When you're 65, dear seems to be the term of choice.

Read and be scared.  Very scared...

Terms of Endearment

And probably, somewhere along the way, you're going to want to refer to your SO as something other than SO.

When you're 16, boyfriend/girlfriend sounds pretty good.  When you're wanting to strike a business deal, partner probably fits the bill.   Lover just sounds like you're about to describe a bodily function.

The Americans don't know either

Your thoughts?

a year of reflection

http://single-minded-endeavours.blogspot.co.nz/2011/12/saying-what-everyone-else-is-thinking.html - my post from New years Eve last year, and boy was I feeling sorry for myself!

It's been a heck of a year since that post, that's for sure and as I sit at my computer, house quiet and a box of chocolates beside me, I am reflecting on the good the bad and the little bit ugly that it comprised of.

I've learned a lot about myself this year, and in the process of stepping into the (slightly scary but no less exhilarating) world of repartnering myself, a whole lot about the kind of person I want to be.  I've also had a few revelations about how I think I can build a successful relationship, and learn from some of the mistakes experiences of the past.

Here's my list of reflections for 2012:

1 it's actually true that you have to like yourself quite a bit before anyone else is going to like you
2 if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't
3 it's possible to have a disgreement with someone and it not degenerate into a full blown he said/she said argument
4 the minute you feel your core values are being compromised it's time to walk away
5 exes CAN be friends, and it's not weird, and it's not about unfinished business, but it is rare and other people may not understand it
6 major crises at the beginning of a relationship are often still just the stuff of everyday life
7 it really is important to listen to the feedback and responses of people you know and trust when you ask them for their opinion on your new SO
8 if it seems to good to be true, it doesn't necessarily mean it is
9 there really is no hurry
10 New Years Eve is still a million percent better when you're not alone for it

modern family christmas

For the past three years or so that I have been writing this blog I've talked a lot about my journey of post coupledom, and how my ex husband and I have worked so hard to continue to co-parent effectively and maintain a good level of friendship (which, it turns out, is fairly uncommon in marriage breakups).

It's been incredibly successful, even though occasionally some lines get blurred (I have been known to call on him to mend stuff, and he gets me to help out with his business from time to time).  The downside - if there is one to such a well managed separation - is that one of our children still harbours a belief that eventually Dad is going to come back (he won't be).  And both children consider him part of our immediate family (he is to them of course).

And so Christmas.  He had a ham that needed cooking and I am the one with the big oven, so I spent a few hours in front of a hot stove.  The kids have bikes that need fixing and he has the right tools for the job. Tonight I wanted to take the 10 year old to midnight mass and so he came and babysat the sleeping one.   All very easy, and civilised.  But there was for me a small feeling of disconnect knowing that my SO was in another town, with HIS family, whilst I was here with mine, both present and past.

Tomorrow the children's father will come for breakfast as has become our tradition, and my SO will come and join us for dinner.   Over the next 48 hours or so we will, separately or together, have spent time with exes, step parents, our kids, someone Else's, the whole nine yards of the modern family.

It's a far cry from the way things were when I was young - when people ''took sides'' and separated couples barely exchanged words let alone had a conversation or shared a meal! Yes I know there are still many who suffer thought painful divorces and never become friendly, or friends, with their ex - but I think this is probably the exception these days rather than the rule and thank goodness for that.

The challenge is respecting the space and values of everyone involved, ensuring all feel important and special, but also not forsaking one person for another.

an unexpected bonus in the form of footwear

One of the unexpected and somewhat surprising outcomes of being single has been the impact it has had on my wardrobe.

If you've been a reader of my blog/s for a while you'll know that becoming single, and rather financially challenged, resulted in me starting shopping ''preloved'' in earnest.  Always a fan and proponent of true vintage, I ended up as one of those recycle boutique/online shopping/opshop hunters - and in the process discovered a knack for finding really great bargains.  Not to say I haven't bought some duds - because I sure have - but I have also put together a comprehensive (although not particularly extensive my most standards) wardrobe for very little money.

Since acquiring my new job (another outcome of uncoupling), I have had to be a bit more judicious about my clothing, and in particular my footwear.  Its my belief that shoes can make or break an outfit and this is one thing I don't mind spending money on.  Sure I have some cheap and nasty shoes, but I mainly wear good quality, all leather ones (mainly Overland), that look good years after they were purchased.

And, as well as needing shoes for work, I've found I need shoes for dancing, shoes for the gym, shoes for dates, shoes for making speeches in, and shoes for doing more of that vintage clothing shopping.  All things that are also new (actually make that DIFFERENT) ways I spend my time compared to how life was when I was married and home with two toddlers.

The shoe collection is not that big, compared to many of my friends - and yet still I have more than a dozen pairs, and that doesn't count my dancing shoes, trainers, slippers and gumboots.

(clockwise left to right)

absolute favourites my Overland knees high leather boots,   cheapie slipons in lace, 

Overland super soft tan  punched leather, fleuro skate shoes, new bling jandals, 

2nd favourite Overland tooled red leather brogues,  red leather ballet flats, trusty summer slipons, 

divine beaded slipons bought when i turned 40, red patent heels from MINX,  

Overland summer high  wedges, in ''nude'', gold heeled sandals for parties,  trusty black suede wedges, summer sandals