Dating profiles - a short rant and some tips for doing it better (mostly for blokes)

I follow a brilliant dating coach who often shares insights into the do's and don'ts of online dating.  

Today she gave some examples of what 'not to do' in your profile picture.  Seemed like a good opportunity to add my two cents, and share some of the extraordinary things I've seen in the last 6 months (to the day) since being on Tinder.  Whilst this is about what I have seen on men's profiles, similar things probably apply to women

Photos:

• Hospital photos: why? Why would a guy put up a picture of himself in a hospital gown with breathing apparatus, or a drip, or a broken bone? Some even appear to be of someone asleep in the hospital bed. I can only assume this is a profile done by a friend for a laugh. Surely?
• Dead animal photos: why? Why would a guy put up a picture of himself in camo, with a bloodied and presumably dead animal across his shoulders?
• Junk photos: why oh why oh why?  A photo of your chaotic lounge, or bathroom sink if it's a mirror selfie, or cluttered office does not give me hope.  And the other junk...erm, no. Just no. 
• This is me 20 years ago photos...this is me as a kid photos...: Lovely. Let's save those for when I get to meet your mother and look at the albums. 
• Travel photos:  Brilliant, love those.  Unless it's you with a hot chick in a bikini, or a dancing girl, or worse, in a group of people and I don't know which one is you
• Famous people photos:  Interesting, but not as a profile pic.  
• You and your hot younger friend photo:  Not sure which one you are, so keep this one for another time.
• Snapchat filtered pictures: you're not 12. Just don't do it

What works:  

• A head and shoulders (do it on self-timer if you have to) as the first picture
• A picture that you are smiling in
• A casual snap, maybe with your pet
• A photo thats not blurry
• Perhaps another picture of you doing something you love

Profile comments:

You only get one shot at this, and insider tip...women swipe through almost as fast as men.  Here's some stuff not to write (unless you want to attract someone needy and a little bit cray crazy

•  No time wasters (like what...am I buying a car?)
• If you're needy move along 
• I seem to mainly attract crazy women...is that you? If so, don't swipe
• I like to spend all my weekends fishing/diving/on my motorbike/mountain biking/at the gym:  Do you though? 
• Looking for NSA/FWB: If you are, then say so.  And if you aren't looking for a relationship, don't say that you are. 
• Including a 'shopping list' about looks (height, size, hair colour). You don't need to do this - just don't swipe on the ones you don't like!

What works:

• A friendly hello and a sentence or two about you
• Being warm and clear about what you are looking for
• Get a friend to help create your profile if you're not sure. Ideally a friend of the opposite sex.

Starting the conversation

Don't be shy....no one is quite sure what the rules are here.  If you want to chat to someone, send them a message but not...

• hey!
• you up?
• hi there
• hello
• using endearments off the bat (hey darling)
• straight in with the 'you're so beautiful' type compliments. Ugh. 

What works:

• An actual sentence... hi there xxx I really liked xxx on your profile
• A question about something in their profile or a picture
• A real compliment about something in a photo

Hope this helps.  Good luck with your dating!

a good year for olives

This crazy world is so overpopulated with choice don't you think?

It doesn't matter what you want, there's dozens of different options - colours, styles, sizes, brands, flavours, locations, whatever, to give us, supposedly, our hearts desires.

And it has become apparent to me of late, that the tragedy of this modern line of thinking, is that it's all to easy for it to apply to people as well.  Thanks to social media, its possible to find a friend who likes even the most obscure of hobbies.  Once you thought you were the only person in the world who had heard of a particular musician/writer/foodstuff - but suddenly you learn there are thousands of people just like you out there, just bursting to share their passion.

Which is all well and good, especially if you have a bent for unusual, but my take on this, is that with the constant explosion of choice, many of us have reached a point of inertia.

What do I mean by this?

Take the example of the phenomenon of online dating.  There is no doubt that for the novice it has a candy-shop quality - so many women! so much choice!  But just like the all you can eat buffet, eventually the appetite for overindulging becomes rather distasteful.  In fact, it's possible to become completely cynical, and decide (after date 63 and still no ''spark''...) that perhaps this whole idea of the world being a village, is in fact a cruel joke played by boffins in a faceless computer programming office somewhere, and in fact, you ARE the only person out there with a particular set of values or interests.

And so, just like the novelty of having two dozen different types of olives to choose from at the supermarket, or ten movies on offer at the theatre - it becomes easier, safer, to pick the option that''s closest and most accessible.

Thus, instead of making a rational choice, possibly with some imagination in it, but that might take longer, you take the fall back option - the default position - where making no decision is the easiest even if it might turn out to be vaguely disappointing.

As far as I can see, sometimes not making a decision is actually the decision.  Which is all well and good when you''re picking olives, but it's not a great start when you're choosing people.  I have made a conscious choice now.  I  choose NOT to be, nor settle for,  a fallback option. The default position.  The decision that doesn't need to be made yet.  The boring olive.

Have you ever chosen to NOT make a decision?  To settle?  To compromise knowing that ultimately it's probably going to be a sour olive, but the short term temptations outweigh the sensibility of waiting for a better harvest?  Why?


I have decided that it just might be better to avoid the delicatessen altogether, and get someone to recommend me a good harvest.