Dating profiles - a short rant and some tips for doing it better (mostly for blokes)

I follow a brilliant dating coach who often shares insights into the do's and don'ts of online dating.  

Today she gave some examples of what 'not to do' in your profile picture.  Seemed like a good opportunity to add my two cents, and share some of the extraordinary things I've seen in the last 6 months (to the day) since being on Tinder.  Whilst this is about what I have seen on men's profiles, similar things probably apply to women

Photos:

• Hospital photos: why? Why would a guy put up a picture of himself in a hospital gown with breathing apparatus, or a drip, or a broken bone? Some even appear to be of someone asleep in the hospital bed. I can only assume this is a profile done by a friend for a laugh. Surely?
• Dead animal photos: why? Why would a guy put up a picture of himself in camo, with a bloodied and presumably dead animal across his shoulders?
• Junk photos: why oh why oh why?  A photo of your chaotic lounge, or bathroom sink if it's a mirror selfie, or cluttered office does not give me hope.  And the other junk...erm, no. Just no. 
• This is me 20 years ago photos...this is me as a kid photos...: Lovely. Let's save those for when I get to meet your mother and look at the albums. 
• Travel photos:  Brilliant, love those.  Unless it's you with a hot chick in a bikini, or a dancing girl, or worse, in a group of people and I don't know which one is you
• Famous people photos:  Interesting, but not as a profile pic.  
• You and your hot younger friend photo:  Not sure which one you are, so keep this one for another time.
• Snapchat filtered pictures: you're not 12. Just don't do it

What works:  

• A head and shoulders (do it on self-timer if you have to) as the first picture
• A picture that you are smiling in
• A casual snap, maybe with your pet
• A photo thats not blurry
• Perhaps another picture of you doing something you love

Profile comments:

You only get one shot at this, and insider tip...women swipe through almost as fast as men.  Here's some stuff not to write (unless you want to attract someone needy and a little bit cray crazy

•  No time wasters (like what...am I buying a car?)
• If you're needy move along 
• I seem to mainly attract crazy women...is that you? If so, don't swipe
• I like to spend all my weekends fishing/diving/on my motorbike/mountain biking/at the gym:  Do you though? 
• Looking for NSA/FWB: If you are, then say so.  And if you aren't looking for a relationship, don't say that you are. 
• Including a 'shopping list' about looks (height, size, hair colour). You don't need to do this - just don't swipe on the ones you don't like!

What works:

• A friendly hello and a sentence or two about you
• Being warm and clear about what you are looking for
• Get a friend to help create your profile if you're not sure. Ideally a friend of the opposite sex.

Starting the conversation

Don't be shy....no one is quite sure what the rules are here.  If you want to chat to someone, send them a message but not...

• hey!
• you up?
• hi there
• hello
• using endearments off the bat (hey darling)
• straight in with the 'you're so beautiful' type compliments. Ugh. 

What works:

• An actual sentence... hi there xxx I really liked xxx on your profile
• A question about something in their profile or a picture
• A real compliment about something in a photo

Hope this helps.  Good luck with your dating!

why I'm grumpy today

I'd like to blame it on the weather. Which isn't helping because it's cold. And wet.  I'd like to say it's because I'm missing my kids (actually I am, a little). I'd like to say it because I had too late a night last night and too early a morning today (I did, but it was worth it).

But actually the things that are making me grumpy this evening - and there are several - are:

- my annoying habit of reading dating advice blogs and fuming at the madness of them.  No ones happy
- hearing yet another person, married 20 or more years, preaching that marriage takes WORK and of course ANY one can be happily married for ever if only they understand that.  Usually the same people like to add ''I think you should just accept being single for now'' or some other pacifying type comment meant to make me feel better about my latest dating disaster, which is so NOT helpful either.
- the disillusioning remarks made to me by single men over the past few days

I get the dating advice blogs - what a great way to make a living! Write a book, add a blog and peddle them on a website where people can share their war stories and get ''advice'' from someone about why they are still single.  It's always the same advice - don't put up with rubbish, stop being so nice, be nicer, women be feminine, men be manly.  yeah yeah.

And having been married I already know it's hard work, thanks anyway.  And how DARE anyone preach to me about why their marriage is so successful and mine wasn't.  Nothing makes me feel more of a failure.  The reality is, NO ONE signs up to marriage expecting it to end. But some do.  And its tough enough dealing with that, without being offered sage advice from people who have never experienced a marriage ending themselves.   And of course they can comment from afar about the benefits of being single - when they have no recent experience of that either.  NOT.

And finally...why? why!?  I understand that some remarks are gauche attempts at small talk, that guys get nervous too, but I REALLY don't need to hear about how useless women are, are there are no good ones out there, and how forgettable most are (including me.).  Talk about how to make a girl feel special.

Grizzle over.  Thanks for reading:)