When the chips are down you need a tribe to support you. This episode is a celebration of mine.
Listen here
Showing posts with label support. Show all posts
Showing posts with label support. Show all posts
Podcast episode 5: Somebody to lean on
When the chips are down you need a tribe to support you. This episode is a celebration of mine.
Listen here
I don't know how she does it (but I think I know how I do)
I am just starting to put my head up from what is arguably the busiest two months of my working year. I've been pulling 18 hour days - juggling a massive budget, placating, bargaining, negotiating, book keeping, managing spreadsheets, and then delivering on one project that is a year in the making (and is still not finished, but starts all over again with barely a weekends break), combined with the regular part of my job, the starting of two other huge projects, and the end of year balance up for the two parts of the organisation
I'm lucky most of the year - even though my job requires me to work pretty much every day - either in the office, on the road or from home - and occasionally weekends, and some evenings it's only ''part time''. Which actually equals pretty much full time for part time wages, but the payoff is the aforementioned flexibility. It does mean I'm usually available for school trips, sick kids (I have one with chronic illness) and I have in the past got to indulge in occasional days sneaking away with my young man and avoiding the office. But it also means that for some days, weeks, I am working every hour God sends, and squashing in bits of work between school things, trips to the Doctors and so on. The kids complain often, that I never seem to be off the phone. For me, it's the difference between being there, or not.
I often think that a full time job - ergo not actually being available to the children, or anyone else, between 8 and 5, would be easier. I'd simply go to a job for 40 hours a week, 48 weeks a year and that would be that.
But then I think...who would do those other things? Who would go on school excursions, cheer the kids at a sports day, hear their speeches. Who would do the sick kid days, Doctor visits (seemingly endless), the car WOF, the groceries, the continual pile of laundry? Would there ever be time to do something for myself - a real need when you're a single parent!
I look at women who work full time and manage their families on their own. even the ones who do it and have a partner 'in house'. I don't know how they do it.
I won't lie...its feckin' exhausting being the only grown up living in this house! This is the life I live, but certainly not the one I would have chosen deliberately. I have come to terms with it, but I am also keenly aware of the ongoing challenges of single parenting - despite having FDH local and involved with his children. I feel the responsibilities keenly - the buck stops with me. I am responsible for it all - I need to earn the money, ensure there's milk in the fridge, get a sick kid to the Doctor, pick up the rubbish that infuriatingly seems to blow in the gate onto my garden, decide everything. And this is how I do it:
Firstly: Amazing people around me. Friends who help with babysitting. Obliging grandparents. Kids, who for the most part, are flexible and amenable to last minute planning or changes. And, lucky for me, they are both smart, relatively organised, independent considering their young age, and good at cleaning up after themselves (and each other). Secondly: choosing where I live: I have chosen to live in a supportive community where the school, friends, music lessons and other regular haunts are within walking distance of my house. My place of work is ten minutes drive away, or I can work from home. Thirdly, I plan. A lot. A trip to the city has to have more than one purpose. A trip to the town I work in usually does too, including either a grocery shop or library visit or similar. I have lists. I have reminders on my phone, on the fridge, on the computer. If it ain't in the diary it ain't happening. And finally, I maintain balance. I am RELIGIOUS about having time for myself. Kid free weekends are kid free. Bedtimes, after years of struggle are becoming more rigid not less. I pay a babysitter so I can have a night out mid week if I want to. And even though I might spend a couple of hours of an evening on work, I also ensure that there's plenty of time for talking with other adults (even if it's online and not in person), for reading and writing, and for just 'being'. I choose to work the hours I do, because overall it works better for my family right now. It comes at a price - less income, and possibly creating a 'halt' in my career path. But for now, its how it needs to be and I happily accept that. I'm lucky I love what I do, have great people to work with and have enough other things in my life that I don't need to, or choose to ''live to work''.
Every day is different - and yet in many ways life chugs on the same day in day out. I remind myself that routine is not a bad thing, in fact it makes life feel...safer...somehow. But some days I crave adventure and excitement. the before children life I remember - the post children life I look forward to. Others I yearn for more quiet, more calm. Most of the time though, I cheerfully embrace the busy, noisy, family focused life I now live. Ideally, life would be the perfect balance of all of those things. Ideally I'd be sharing all of this with a significant other. I can work towards that right!? In the meantime I do my best to be grateful for all I have.
And to everyone who is, or has been, part of my support team I want to say a massive THANK YOU. I don't know how the others do it, but I sure couldn't do it without you.
ah...THERE you are!!!
Following on from my post about ''getting involved'' a couple of weeks ago, I am pretty stoked to learn that (in part) as a result of my sticking my nose in, the couple I talked about are getting themselves on track. How awesome is that!
I've had cause to talk about that particular post with a number of people, and almost without exception they have agreed that whilst the ideal is to be brave enough to have an opinion, most don't do it. There's a variety of reasons, but largely it's simply that - and no one would actually admit to it - most people are pretty busy with their own lives and really don't have the time, or inclination to get involved with someone Else's. It involves risk, it involves commitment, and it also just might mean some inconvenience where you really don't want or need it.
But here's the thing. Experience tells me that one of the perils of social and electronic media (and I've written about this before) is how easy it is to offer the commitment of non commitment. Things like ''well come and visit me sometime'', or ''you know I'm here at the end of the phone if you need me''. It invites the troubled person to make the first move...to be supportive without actually giving real support. Not always a bad thing, granted, as there are plenty of times that a person hurting just needs to know that there is someone there if they need them.
But, and for me this is a BIG but...for the person who is hurting, especially when it is as a result of a problem in a relationship (IE the person you are closest to is now no longer the one you can call on for support), there can be a real reluctance to actually ask for help or support from outside. Fear of what you might be told, fear of having to talk about something painful, whatever, its really easy for the hurting person to retreat within themselves. I know, I've done it.
I've read a number of things that describe love as an action. That it's about ''showing up'' emotionally, not just going along for the ride.
Well, actually I think it's also as much about showing up physically. I was told recently by someone newly separated that I was the only person who had actually checked in regularly -the only one who had actually ''turned up'' physically in this persons life. That both shocked and saddened me. Where were the friends? They had offered support, absolutely - call me, text me, visit me. But none had actually got on the phone, or in the car, and showed up. I even asked a couple of them...did you call yet? Visit? And if not why not? And I got the same response...oh well, it's not really my journey...they know where I am...I don't really know what to do/say (as per http://single-minded-endeavours.blogspot.co.nz/2013/09/its-what-friend-would-do.html)
Yes there's a risk. There's a huge risk that the person you doorstep will tell you to go away. The person you phone will say ''I don't want to talk about it''. The opinion you give (if asked for it or not) will be rejected or denied. You might even find yourself being rejected in the moment - for whatever reason, your presence, at that time, is not welcome or needed. Maybe you represent something the hurting person doesn't want to see or feel. Maybe they are talked out.
Frankly, I don't give a damn. People who are hurting need people to show up. Regardless of the ending and who did it, someone who has just left a relationship is sore - they are probably feeling unloved or unlovable. As the supportive friend, you're probably not the one they want to feel loved by but that doesn't mean you shouldn't love them anyway. They might not appreciate it at the time - you might not be the right person, and the timing might really really suck - but at least they need to know that someone - maybe more than just one - actually cares about them. Sometimes it means giving an unpopular opinion - sometimes it means just listening (personally I'm in favour of the unpopular opinion, because I reckon 99% of the time, that's the truth. Listening and empathising does little more than make a hurt person feel better about their hurt - often necessary, sometimes the easy option ).
Yes, I've been told I'm unwelcome. Yes it hurts. And I know when to take my leave. But in my world, it is about showing up. Putting your money where your mouth is, and actually being there for someone when they need you, even if they don't admit to it.
I've had cause to talk about that particular post with a number of people, and almost without exception they have agreed that whilst the ideal is to be brave enough to have an opinion, most don't do it. There's a variety of reasons, but largely it's simply that - and no one would actually admit to it - most people are pretty busy with their own lives and really don't have the time, or inclination to get involved with someone Else's. It involves risk, it involves commitment, and it also just might mean some inconvenience where you really don't want or need it.
But here's the thing. Experience tells me that one of the perils of social and electronic media (and I've written about this before) is how easy it is to offer the commitment of non commitment. Things like ''well come and visit me sometime'', or ''you know I'm here at the end of the phone if you need me''. It invites the troubled person to make the first move...to be supportive without actually giving real support. Not always a bad thing, granted, as there are plenty of times that a person hurting just needs to know that there is someone there if they need them.
But, and for me this is a BIG but...for the person who is hurting, especially when it is as a result of a problem in a relationship (IE the person you are closest to is now no longer the one you can call on for support), there can be a real reluctance to actually ask for help or support from outside. Fear of what you might be told, fear of having to talk about something painful, whatever, its really easy for the hurting person to retreat within themselves. I know, I've done it.
I've read a number of things that describe love as an action. That it's about ''showing up'' emotionally, not just going along for the ride.
Well, actually I think it's also as much about showing up physically. I was told recently by someone newly separated that I was the only person who had actually checked in regularly -the only one who had actually ''turned up'' physically in this persons life. That both shocked and saddened me. Where were the friends? They had offered support, absolutely - call me, text me, visit me. But none had actually got on the phone, or in the car, and showed up. I even asked a couple of them...did you call yet? Visit? And if not why not? And I got the same response...oh well, it's not really my journey...they know where I am...I don't really know what to do/say (as per http://single-minded-endeavours.blogspot.co.nz/2013/09/its-what-friend-would-do.html)
Yes there's a risk. There's a huge risk that the person you doorstep will tell you to go away. The person you phone will say ''I don't want to talk about it''. The opinion you give (if asked for it or not) will be rejected or denied. You might even find yourself being rejected in the moment - for whatever reason, your presence, at that time, is not welcome or needed. Maybe you represent something the hurting person doesn't want to see or feel. Maybe they are talked out.
Frankly, I don't give a damn. People who are hurting need people to show up. Regardless of the ending and who did it, someone who has just left a relationship is sore - they are probably feeling unloved or unlovable. As the supportive friend, you're probably not the one they want to feel loved by but that doesn't mean you shouldn't love them anyway. They might not appreciate it at the time - you might not be the right person, and the timing might really really suck - but at least they need to know that someone - maybe more than just one - actually cares about them. Sometimes it means giving an unpopular opinion - sometimes it means just listening (personally I'm in favour of the unpopular opinion, because I reckon 99% of the time, that's the truth. Listening and empathising does little more than make a hurt person feel better about their hurt - often necessary, sometimes the easy option ).
Yes, I've been told I'm unwelcome. Yes it hurts. And I know when to take my leave. But in my world, it is about showing up. Putting your money where your mouth is, and actually being there for someone when they need you, even if they don't admit to it.
Wife wanted
I am now working full time, and a bit more. I'm doing some house renovations. I'm parenting alone, albeit with a fairly involved kid-dad.
Each day I race out the door wishing I'd had more time to tidy, do washing, run errands. Every evening I come home to kids clamouring, answerphone beeping, dinner looming.
Seems the lawns always need mowing, the garden always needs weeding, there's never quite enough fresh fruit and veges in the fridge for my own comfort, and there's always a pile of paper that needs attention.
About 20 years ago I was nannying in London for a single mum. Funnily enough she was the same age that I am now and her children are similar ages - and with similar interests and personalities. She ran two jobs like I do and seemed to spent a lot of time in the car or racing between meetings. My job was to care for the children, the house, and the dogs. Occasionally I'd prepare food for a dinner party, or oversee workmen at the house, or run errands for her personally. And she would laugh and say I made the perfect wife for her. She sure didn't need a husband, but yep, she could have used a wife.
And now, I think maybe that's what I need too.
Each day I race out the door wishing I'd had more time to tidy, do washing, run errands. Every evening I come home to kids clamouring, answerphone beeping, dinner looming.
Seems the lawns always need mowing, the garden always needs weeding, there's never quite enough fresh fruit and veges in the fridge for my own comfort, and there's always a pile of paper that needs attention.
About 20 years ago I was nannying in London for a single mum. Funnily enough she was the same age that I am now and her children are similar ages - and with similar interests and personalities. She ran two jobs like I do and seemed to spent a lot of time in the car or racing between meetings. My job was to care for the children, the house, and the dogs. Occasionally I'd prepare food for a dinner party, or oversee workmen at the house, or run errands for her personally. And she would laugh and say I made the perfect wife for her. She sure didn't need a husband, but yep, she could have used a wife.
And now, I think maybe that's what I need too.
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