I don't know how she does it (but I think I know how I do)

I am just starting to put my head up from what is arguably the busiest two months of my working year. I've been pulling 18 hour days - juggling a massive budget, placating, bargaining, negotiating, book keeping, managing spreadsheets, and then delivering on one project that is a year in the making (and is still not finished, but starts all over again with barely a weekends break), combined with the regular part of my job, the starting of two other huge projects, and the end of year balance up for the two parts of the organisation

I'm lucky most of the year - even though my job requires me to work pretty much every day - either in the office, on the road or from home - and occasionally weekends, and some evenings it's only ''part time''. Which actually equals pretty much full time for part time wages, but the payoff is the aforementioned flexibility. It does mean I'm usually available for school trips, sick kids (I have one with chronic illness) and I have in the past got to indulge in occasional days sneaking away with my young man and avoiding the office.  But it also means that for some days, weeks, I am working every hour God sends, and squashing in bits of work between school things, trips to the Doctors and so on.  The kids complain often, that I never seem to be off the phone.  For me, it's the difference between being there, or not.

I often think that a full time job - ergo not actually being available to the children, or anyone else,  between 8 and 5, would be easier. I'd simply go to a job for 40 hours a week, 48 weeks a year and that would be that.

But then I think...who would do those other things? Who would go on school excursions, cheer the kids at a sports day, hear their speeches.  Who would do the sick kid days, Doctor visits (seemingly endless), the car WOF, the groceries, the continual pile of laundry?  Would there ever be time to do something for myself - a real need when you're a single parent!

I look at women who work full time and manage their families on their own. even the ones who do it and have a partner 'in house'.  I don't know how they do it. 

I won't lie...its feckin' exhausting being the only grown up living in this house! This is the life I live, but certainly not the one I would have chosen deliberately.  I have come to terms with it, but I am also keenly aware of the ongoing challenges of single parenting - despite having FDH local and involved with his children. I feel the responsibilities keenly - the buck stops with me.  I am responsible for it all - I need to earn the money, ensure there's milk in the fridge, get a sick kid to the Doctor, pick up the rubbish that infuriatingly seems to blow in  the gate onto my garden, decide everything.  And this is how I do it:

Firstly:  Amazing people around me.  Friends who help with babysitting. Obliging grandparents. Kids, who for the most part, are flexible and amenable to last minute planning or changes.  And, lucky for me, they are both smart, relatively organised, independent considering their young age, and good at cleaning up after themselves (and each other).  Secondly: choosing where I live: I have chosen to live in a supportive community where the school, friends, music lessons and other regular haunts are within walking distance of my house. My place of work is ten minutes drive away, or I can work from home. Thirdly, I plan. A lot.  A trip to the city has to have more than one purpose.  A trip to the town I work in usually does too, including either a grocery shop or library visit or similar.  I have lists. I have reminders on my phone, on the fridge, on the computer. If it ain't in the diary it ain't happening.  And finally, I maintain balance.  I am RELIGIOUS about having time for myself.  Kid free weekends are kid free. Bedtimes, after years of struggle are becoming more rigid not less.  I pay a babysitter so I can have a night out mid week if I want to.  And even though I might spend a couple of hours of an evening on work, I also ensure that there's plenty of time for talking with other adults (even if it's online and not in person), for reading and writing, and for just 'being'.  I choose to work the hours I do, because overall it works better for my family right now.  It comes at a price - less income, and possibly creating a 'halt' in my career path. But for now, its how it needs to be and I happily accept that.  I'm lucky I love what I do, have great people to work with and have enough other things in my life that I don't  need to, or choose to ''live to work''. 

Every day is different - and yet in many ways life chugs on the same day in day out.  I remind myself that routine is not a bad thing, in fact it makes life feel...safer...somehow.  But some days I crave adventure and excitement. the before children life I remember - the post children life I look forward to.  Others I yearn for more quiet, more calm.  Most of the time though, I cheerfully embrace the busy, noisy, family focused life I now live.  Ideally, life would be the perfect balance of all of those things. Ideally I'd be sharing all of this with a significant other. I can work towards that right!?  In the meantime I do my best to be grateful for all I have. 

And to everyone who is, or has been, part of my support team I want to say a massive THANK YOU. I don't know how the others do it, but I sure couldn't do it without you.

the horrifying magnification provided by a second pair of eyes and how it can spur action

After 6 years of sole parenting, I'd like to think I've got it sussed.  And I do. Mostly. Some of the time. Occasionally.

The same things grind me down each day (no doubt the same things that grind down every parent, sole or not actually but that's beside the point).  Bath times. Bedtimes. Getting up times. Homework times. Meal times. Chore times.

I find myself, MOST times, ''getting through''.  Usually with too much cajoling, often too much whining (theirs) and grizzling (mine) and, I'm somewhat ashamed to admit, too often with rather more temper testing than I would prefer.

But get through we do.  The children leave the house fed and dressed, with homework done.   Their rooms are clean and tidy.  Bedtimes...well that's another story for another day...but mainly they are in bed before I am.    Yet still...I yearn for calmer routine. Less of me growling, less of them resisting my requests.

I get through, and put up with more than I probably should, mainly because I'm the only adult in the house. Most of the time, there's no one here to a/ back me up, b/ take over or c/ tell me off give me better ideas, for how I'm directing the traffic.  It's only when there IS another adult nearby that my shortcomings as the grownup in the house get thrown into sharp relief and I face the gruesome reality of how stressed I can become at those crucial mealtime/bedtime/cleaning time-poor moments.

I've put a few things in place as a result of some previous highlighted moments...and I'll admit its a continual learning curve.  FDH used to (actually no, not used to, STILL DOES) tell me that the reason there is stress in my house is because I am as bad as the kids: I answer back, raise my voice, get grumpy and generally can be disagreeable when things aren't going they way I want them to.  Well, yes, that's probably true actually - but heck, I'm the grown up here - sure I shouldn't have to do all those things in the first place (yeah yeah I GET that) but I reckon if anyone should be allowed to get iffy, it should be me.

So what to do?  This morning it happened again.  Son was being particularly uncooperative. Daughter was compliant enough but grimly enjoying co-parenting son with me (by way of echoing barked instructions and being generally bossy).  Which results in squabbling. Which results in me grizzling some more. and so on. And so on.  You get the picture.

Ordinarily I'd GET THROUGH but today, I had my young man here (a rare occurrence mid week) , and with a second pair of eyes on the scene I realised just how inadequate my morning routine was, (I really didn't think it was until now...), and how ineffective my parenting style could be. Am I being hard on myself? Yes, probably. But when I found myself mid-rant, and wishing I could wind the clock back and hour to start the day again, I knew something was gonna give.  

It's a bit shaming.  Embarrassing.  AWKWARD!!!! But I happen to quite like having that other set of eyes around the place...so some more things are going to have to change.  And it's probably going to be easier to change my own actions and attitudes than than change my kids.

So, because I believe that writing things down makes them more likely to happen - and because I'm going to be printing the list out and putting it on the fridge, our new morning rules include:

- The TV does not, under any circumstances, get turned on before school
- Children are to be fully dressed before coming out of their bedroom
- Breakfast is compulsory if you are a minor and must be eaten at the table
- Tooth brushing is also compulsory before leaving the house

I'm hopeful that these four simple rules might make for a calmer weekday morning.  They have all been in place before but somehow get muddied...or something...and the end result is me nagging repeatedly - and it must be said, ineffectively, for action.

Time will tell.

A new way of normal

None of us sign up for a break up.  Most of us enter into a relationship with an expectation of success - even when it's surround by red flags.  Those with children certainly never expect to be raising them on their own - even if there is a supportive ex spouse co-parenting with them.  Those without children mostly don't expect to still be so.   I believe we all to some degree nurture the happy-ever-after dream, and plan to, learn to, become one half of the whole.

My observation of almost all I know who are uncoupled is that they have not only had to learn how to live as a single person, but they have also had to unlearn how to live in a partnership.

It's hard sometimes, having to make decisions alone.  It's hard being the sole income earner.  It's sometimes unbearable returned to the dating game.  It's a long tough road being a single parent.

Yes there are some payoffs. If that's the right word.  Maybe no longer being at the mercy of an abusive partner, or being stuck in an unhealthy relationship.  There's the sometimes pleasure of meeting new people.  The break time that many sole parents get when the children are away for a weekend. Sometimes, the opportunity to pursue a dream that before would have been out of reach.  The world can even feel full of possibility.

And when you're on the good side of this, it is easy for others to look in and think you've got things sorted.   Like you're ''over'' your previously coupled/familied life.   Like you have packed your baggage and stowed it neatly.

I'd like to suggest that it is more about re navigating.  No, it's not what you anticipated life would be like...but there's no changing it now...and so you learn to do some of the same things in a different way, and some different things that will mean you will never be the same.

Sometimes it's one day at a time.  Others life is a whirlwind of change and activity and excitement.  Occasionally it feels like it would be easier to go back, and other times you are just so glad what ever was, is no more.

It's simply a new way of normal.