Thursday, 18 September 2014

Nothing else matters

Its a curious thing this blogging. Especially on a topic as... fraught... with emotion, as relationships are. Dating, and breaking up, and all that stuff in between is both intensely personal and yet one of things that pretty much everyone in the world experiences in much the same way.

What's even weirder, is that a blog like this - or at least, a blogger like me - gets to pour their heart out to a faceless audience - the feelings and thoughts that, if I was on a date, or  even in ''getting to know you stage'' would be considered totally off limits (way too intense, way too honest, way too scary!), and yet if I were in a relationship, would largely be completely moot points - after all, you're already there, right - no need to share the hopes and aspirations of something now attained - especially with the madding crowd!

And so as I reflect on the couple of hundred posts I've made so far, and can see the common themes, I find myself, once again, deliberating about whether or not in fact it is wise or even realistic to be sharing such deeply personal thoughts.  I have been variously described on here as too vulnerable, appealingly vulnerable, too honest, comfortingly honest, too ''real'', reassuringly sincere, and just about every other polarised opposite there could be when it comes to reflecting on human emotions.  

And today, I'm feeling especially honest.  A little bit sorry for myself truth be told. I think that's allowed sometimes don't you? It seems to be beyond belief that after nearly 7 years since my marriage ended, I am still (yet again, usually...insert adverb here), single.  Its not through lack of trying, and there are times when I'll admit, a good dose of self pity overwhelms me...the days when I think...how the HECK can it be, that yet again, I find myself holding the tissue box and wondering what just happened there!?! How can something...someone.. that plan and hope for a future..once so real, so....well... REAL turn out not to be, after all.

I can handle being alone. In fact I do it quite well. I'm OK with doing it for a while. A long while if need be. But it's not what I want from life. It just isn't. And I don't think there's many out that that DO want to be alone for the rest of their lives. 

Surely there can be no worse feeling in the world that realising that you don't matter.  Whether that be matter at all - or worse, not matter any more - no one wants to be rejected, passed over or usurped, even if there are (arguably) noble reasons for it happening.  Of course we MATTER as human beings without needing that from one specific being.  I'm not denying that.  In fact we should -to put ones happiness in the the hands of another is a huge responsibility to hand over. But I do believe that most people want to find that one person to whom they matter most. 

One of my favourite songs ever, Metallica - Nothing Else Matters, says this: (and yes I know it's just cheesy lyrics - humour me here!)

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

How awesome, to feel so safe, that your trust could be so complete, that nothing else really did matter. Of course there's real life to consider - it's not REALLY possible to disregard it. But I think the key here is that the writer of this song saw his love as the thing that was above all other distractions.

The things I have always said I was seeking and offering, these things have not changed. A soft place to fall...a soft place to be. To be cherished. To MATTER. 

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