Wednesday, 22 April 2015

fake it til you break it

So I wrote a year and a half ago (which seems like a lifetime, and almost is in this crazy post coupled world...) I am still no closer to knowing the answer to the question I posted to myself other than to be able to confirm that my observation is absolutely true. Dr Phil would say (and I'm not ENTIRELY sure I agree), that 

''You don't ever solve a relationship problem by turning away from your partner. Turn toward each other to fix what's wrong, don't look outside the marriage. Any time you turn away from your partner to fulfil your needs instead of toward him/her, it's a betrayal. Want to know if some behaviour is cheating? If you wouldn't do it with your spouse right next to you, it's cheating. ''

Is this common...normal...behaviour? Seems so - if the (horribly large) number of single and re partnered people I've talked to are anything to go by. After seeing people take up breakup makeup and fake up for the past 7 years, I'd say that that almost EVERY one I know, (who didn't turn inwards to their partner) upon having a problem outside of their 'relationship' has ended up splitting, and now I'm watching yet another someone go through a 'should I shouldn't I' situation.

But here's the thing...what if it's not a relationship problem? What if the problem you have is something else entirely? What if the ''need' that the good Doctor refers to is not about your partner . Maybe Work? Family? Health? Does it still translate into 'anywhere but here'?. We seem to have this ability to think that if we're feeling loved up, everything will seem more manageable too, cos love will see us through (ah the attractiveness of that!). And so if there's no lovin' feelings, it's time to get out.  For some weird reason, we seem to be able to forget that the problems are there regardless of who the partner is (or isn't). I'd hazard a guess nearly every time, a 'relationship problem' isn't that at all. Where-ever you go you are and all that...

Seems that there's this weird combination that happens to the post married - we spend a F**ktonne more time navel gazing about the state of a life/relationship/state of mind, and yet on the other hand, having been through what we consider to be the worst of times (as a marriage or LTR ending usually is), have this ability to make a decision to cut loose without too much angst, especially if the grass is looking tantalisingly greener from the murky old window we are are looking through. And I concede, that sometimes it is...for a time. But I know of only one couple, just one, in my entire life, whose greener grass is still alive beyond the usual up to 3 year honeymoon period (as per Dr Phil and every other dating experts time line advice....) Sure isn't the drivel on blogs like this all about people who need to ruminate on what is, what was ,and could be?

Does that mean one should stick in a relationship they are not sure about, or that they believe is making them unhappy just because...well for no reason really? Good grief no. And nor should it mean pursuing one that youre not sure about. But I STILL say, having worn this t-shirt more than once, that stopping and thinking...and evaluating the NOW before jollying off elsewhere is still a better place to start. Talking from hard won experience, it's a long road to get into a quality partnership of any kind, a feckin hard thing to uncouple, harder still to get the nerve to start over, and whilst one might argue that breakups get easier the more you have them (yeah that sounds like a fun way to live life....), nothing ever changes if you don't.

If there's a lesson here (and one I've learned the hard way more than once) its that you have to know yourself and like that person before you can even know (and like) someone else for any length of time. You have to be brave enough to stop and let another person see the true you rather than (or before) taking another version of yourself to market. The truth will always out (and other cliches) apply here. You have to decide if it's the person standing in front of you that's the problem or not (probably not...).  Honesty is hard. Being true to yourself is hard. NOT being true to yourself is hard! But breakups are, in the end, harder. Just saying. 

Sermon over. Your thoughts, as always, are welcome.