Thursday, 17 November 2011

you know you're single when.... make packet macaroni cheese and eat the whole lot, on your own, in one sitting
...the song playing on the stereo is always your favourite end up throwing out milk and bread because you didn't use it up by use-by date can open a block of chocolate and know that none will ever be missing unless you eat it yourself
...there's always enough hot water for a shower that lasts as long as you want it to side of the bed never gets mussed up
...everyone tells you how LUCKY you are not to have to share your bed/TV/chocolate/life with someone else                      but you don't think it's necessarily lucky at all
...the house is always just the right temperature and the lights just the right wattage make a list of people to invite to a party and realise that the reason there's an odd number of guests is because you're there're never quite sure if you're bum actually does look big in that...

Sunday, 13 November 2011

the secret of longevity

The best book I have ever read about the reasons for failure/changes/endings in relationships is this one:

My experience is that most people are even less likely to share freely and easily in subsequent relationships,  often feeling they have been betrayed or distrusted before.

It takes a huge amount of trust to be able to share your innermost feelings with another don't you think?  As my wise friend describes start to trust another is like slowly getting undressed in front of them.  some things are easy to be honest about, others we show and then quickly cover up again.  There can be false starts...and going quickly doesn't equal reaching truth any's a process that takes time, patience and unparallelled honesty and trust.

I think it's important to maintain privacy...we don't have to share every single thought or detail of our lives...and what is shared in confidence needs to stay in confidence...but i do think it's vital to be honest and true with the information we do share.  An opinion given should be the true one...a reaction should be a heartfelt one.

If it's true that we uncouple because of a secret I wonder does it then stand to reason that we have the best chance of success when our relationships are devoid of secrets?

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

feel the fear and do it anyway

As an ever hopeful youth, I think most of us would assume that we would be happily coupled by mid life.
At 30, or 40, or more, if there's been a major relationship failure, some some false starts, or possibly not even any starts at all, it is easy to replace that optimism, once held so dear, for other isms less than positive.

And often the result of this is that we look for all the 'signs''- the dreaded list is taken out and analysed, we search for instant confirmation and validation, we find a thousand and one excuses not to progress any possible friendships. 

What if, though, instead of choosing reluctance we chose to embrace the unknown?  Yes, it would be scary and could mean risking pain, but the possibilities of potential, in my view, far outweigh that.

I once dated a man who beleived in the concept of assuming success.  Even though that particular relationship didn't end up in success for me, for it's duration there was an overwhelming sense of anticipation and positivity.  Instead of telling each other we might do something...if in six months we were still together...we made plans as if that were a given.  In this case I should certainly have progressed this with more caution (perhaps planned for forever but looked more carefully at each day!)...but it was a truly liberating way to get to know someone.