Wednesday, 11 January 2012

my heart on my sleeve

I have just said goodbye to something I had barely said hello to.  And boy it hurts.

In my more narcissistic moments I wonder what went wrong...or more like...what did I do wrong...was I too bolshy? too needy? to independent? too old? too young? not relaxed enough? too demanding? too inflexible? maybe too flexible? ...just too?

In the pragmatic moments I remind myself of why it became goodbye.  There were some big obstacles.  Maybe insurmountable (although the idealist in me says there is no such thing).  It would have been tricky.  Messy.  Lots to negotiate.

In the cross moments I'm mad at both of us.  For no particular reason. For everything.

In the happy moments I can gather all the great stuff - the great connection, conversations, humour, moments of real delight.  The flashes of awesomeness and potential that I thought I saw.

In the super-sad moments I wish it were different. And frankly,  I wish I wasn't so....well, so ME I guess.

But in most moments, I'm glad I'm me.  It's easy to obsess over what i might have done differently..and i think it's good to learn from these experiences.  You can't change another person after all, but you can change yourself - if that is what is required.  That said, I think fundamentally we are the same our whole lives, and the true self will out eventually!  Take it or leave it - or should I say, take me or leave me - I am who, what, where why and how I am. And this time, for whatever the reasons, it wasn't the right he, for me, nor me for he.

No comments:

Post a Comment