New podcast - looking after ourselves in a year that feels like a bad case of sunburn that just won’t t heal.
Cold drink on a hot day
New episode.
A short Rant about the “dating industry” and how it manages to make people feel worse about themselves not better.
Podcast: Don’t stop believing
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Beyond resilience comes tenacity - when the going gets tough, how do the tough keep going?
Podcast episode 5: Somebody to lean on
When the chips are down you need a tribe to support you. This episode is a celebration of mine.
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Podcast Episode 4: Choice points and liminal space
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Podcast Episode 3 - Labels: This is me
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Podcast Episode 1 - Vulnerability
I did it!
It’s time to move from writing my rants to speaking them straight in your ear!
Listen here or on Spotify, itunes or Anchor
https://anchor.fm/singleminded/episodes/Baby-shes-got-it---lessons-in-vulnerability-efmaes
It’s time to move from writing my rants to speaking them straight in your ear!
Listen here or on Spotify, itunes or Anchorhttps://anchor.fm/singleminded/episodes/Baby-shes-got-it---lessons-in-vulnerability-efmaes
Dating a Sapiophile - intelligence is hot
Dating profiles - blurghh - just the word dating gives me a bit of a stomach ache - are at best just a list of all the marvelous qualities one thing one has, and a wishlist of what we want, but ultimately have no bearing on whether you'll actually click with someone in person. In true Pollyanna style, I read through them, ever hopeful of finding something interesting....and that was how I saw this word: SAPIOPHILE. Well... there's a word you don't see on a dating site every day (in fact I don't think I've ever seen it before). And since my own profile includes the statements 'you're looking for someone to share the minutiae of life with' and 'you use words like minutiae', I just had to go there. Oh yes, I did.
A sapiosexual or sapiophile is someone that is turned on by smart people. Sapiosexuals are literally aroused by intelligence. These people can have a tremendous intellectual conversation about anything random or unexpected things.
The word sapiophile comes from the Latin “sapient” meaning “wise” and the Greek suffix “phile” means “lover of”). So, a sapiophile is someone who finds intelligence the most attractive feature and is also romantically/sexually attracted to intelligence in other people. To these people, smart people with a great sense of humor are far more attractive than those with outstanding physical appearance. Some sapiosexuals are more into wise, intellectual conversations spiced up with a great sense of humor, while others connect most with emotional intelligence.
How can you tell if someone is Sapiosexual?
- A sapiophile loves owning their own library. This is how they get to build their vocabulary and thought processes.
- They enjoy long, intimate, and eye-opening conversations. Small talk does not work with these people.
- They have a photographic memory. You will be able to remember everything they said and that is very important to them because they will also do the same.
- They love debating. You can be sure that the sapiophile will be all over you during a debate or discussion that requires an intelligent thought process. Sapiophiles cannot help themselves from admiring those who are not afraid to speak their minds.
- They are extremely curious. The idea of you sitting up all night, researching about a certain topic makes you very attractive to them since this is probably what they would do.
- They love education. It may not be a deal-breaker when someone is confident in their own intelligence but sapiophiles tend to love someone that is educated by their side.
- People with open minds. Sapiophiles are very good when it comes to having their own opinion but are also ready to listen to your theories and respond positively. They know their limitations and would own up to not having all the answers.
- Sapiophiles are confident and will be attracted to others like them. They are the bold women or men that are never ashamed to embrace their interests, wants, and needs. They will also be clear about being attracted to an amazing brain rather than to physique.
- They are obsessed with correct spelling. Spelling mistakes are a turn off for every sapiophile.
- They reveal their weird interests easily. They love to hear about what fascinates others, just as they would be willing to share about their own fascinations.
- Using conversations as foreplay. Beyond the wine and candles, you'll need to work on her or his mind if you want things to progress further.
- A sapiophile is attracted to uniqueness. They are more about finding that which stands out as opposed to that which fits in.
- The heart is just as important as the mind. Sapiophiles will admire your knowledge, but if you lack emotional intelligence, they will consider you cold.
Well, that makes sense.
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Good grief
I had a conversation with someone last night who talked about the experience of when her partner seemingly moved on to 'bigger and better things' without so much as a backward glance. She was left reeling and spent years wondering just what the feck had happened.
'It felt like he didn't care about me at all' she said. I reflected back a conversation I'd had with someone else who'd been through a similar thing, and that I've blogged about before...that relationships have momentum. They take a while to ramp up, and they can take a long time to slow down too - even after something is over feelings remain, on both sides! I'd add that just because someone is the initiator or 'leaver' it doesn't mean that they won't have lingering feelings of sadness or grief. In fact, if the experiences of my friends are anything to go by, it's often harder for the leaver. They risk being vilified by others, have to justify their position, there's very little sympathy headed their way (unless there was abuse involved...a totally different scenario and not for this post). And, because the uncoupling process may have started long before the relationship ends, they may appear to have it all together and to have moved on, even when they most likely haven't.
Grief is a weird thing - it's not linear. It can hit you at unexpected moments months or years after an event. It can be triggered by a smell, or a taste, or a random comment. You can feel like you've got it all together in the morning, and be falling apart by lunch. And it's private...oh so private. Grief scares people - they don't want to hear that you're not ok, not really. So it tends to be internalised - and that means that even a leaver, who might be really struggling with the aftermath of a relationship breakup (even if they wanted it) may never let on their true feelings.
The point of this post? To remind me and others that we don't know what we don't know. To remember that not only is it ok to be sad when a relationship ends, it's ok to accept that the other person might be sad too, regardless of how it might look from the outside. And to hang on to the idea that grief is actually not such a bad thing if you acknowledge it exists - and if you can learn from an experience that will make you a better person in the long run.
Read more about grieving a relationship here
Read more about the process of uncoupling here
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