Monday, 25 July 2011

situation vacant

I used to think that having a wish list...having dealbreakers...having aspirations about what was important sounded a bit haughty.  I mean, it's not like I'm perfect, far from it, so who was I to say that what I was seeking in a man!
And it all sounded a bit like a dating profile...must like dogs and kids...should have seen the world...have their own hair...
But the more I read about life in the single lane, the disaster stories (including more than one of my own - although I prefer to think of them as miscalculations), the more convinced I'm becoming that as a 'mature'single person, and as a single mother, I need to be tougher with my list of criteria.

All this stuff about settling, a la Lori Gottlieb (, what could she know.  Let's ask again in 10 years when she's been married to Mr Good-enough for a decade, and see if settling was actually the right decision!

I accept there are ideals that we would all like and probably will never find (let's face it, there's not many 40 somethings-I'll adore you and your kids-I own a freehold house-I can cook and clean and fold towels-I love the earth and nature and all things spiritual- kind of guys out there: oops TMI?)...but yes, there are some deal breakers.

Here's mine:

I get that you might not be financially strong.  Relationships can do that to a guy.  But at least have a decent credit rating and a job

I get that you're probably not as lean as you used to be, that bits of your body are starting to wear out, that your hairline is in a different place to where it started.  But at least wear clean clothes, that actually fit,and  brush your teeth regularly

I get that you'd like to have long lazy sleepins on a Saturday.  So would I.  I get that you'd like peace after 7 pm. Heck, so would I!  but with me, it ain't gonna happen.  very often.  Love me, love my kids.

I get that you need your own space.  Actually I think that's a good thing.  Weekend with the boys? go for it!  Hobbies that don't include me?  Awesome.  I'll watch the football with you.  As long as I can read at the same time.

I get that most guys just don't see dirt.  I don't expect you to clean up mine.  But I do expect you to clean your own.  I'm not your mother.

I get that you probably don't spend as much time as I do pondering the big questions in life.  But I'd love it if you're open to talking about them with me.

I get that you'd rather be with a hot 30 year old with a perky butt and a stylish car.  So would I sometimes. But 40 can be hot too.  And a car is just a way of getting from A to B.  Really.

I get that you have a past and that it probably includes more than one ex.  Most likely more than one scar on your heart.  Possibly some children.  Gee, that's just like me!  So let's just accept that and move with it. Don't be jealous of my exes.  Be friends with the mother of your children.  I think that's terrific.  Maybe even on friendly terms with the others. But make up your mind who's going to take up residence in your heart.  If it's them, I'm not interested in being a co- tenant.

Finally, I get that you're probably as nervous as I am about embarking on something new.  I get that you might want to take it slow.  (Whew!).  I also get that you are probably not going to be that excited about waiting to have sex. (I might not be either).  But here's the thing.  Not making a decision is still making a decision.  You either want to try with me or you don't.  Don't keep me hanging. It's uncool and I won't do it to you. 

1 comment:

  1. a p.s....I also get that when you were young you might have dabbled in some illegal substances. But if you have an addiction in your past, or actually think that was a pretty cool thing to do...or are still struggling with it, then're not the one for me. Been there, done that, got the straitjacket. As for me, I've never even tried a ciggie.