Saturday, 14 January 2012

raising the bar

Remember the time when you were in a fairly new relationship and you had a disagreement?  It was something pretty trivial but you were kind of shocked at your partners reaction?  But you put it down to misinterpretation, or being tired, or something and let it go.

Remember the time you were out and your partner was kind of, well, rude, to your friend.  But you thought, it's OK, she's probably just a bit nervous, and you let it go.

Remember the time your partner came home and announced he'd spent a bundle of money (your money) on something you thought you'd agreed wasn't a necessary purchase, and you felt kind of uncomfortable but you reasoned out of it - he had a convincing argument for buying, and it was after all, his money too.  And so you let it go.

Remember the time the new girlfriend said, I'm just not sure if I want this.  But she kept coming back.  And you really liked her.  And even though there was a little voice saying you'd probably get your heart broken, you kept seeing her.  And the voice got louder, but you liked her even more by then and so you let it go.

Remember that date where he was driving a bit fast, and you said nothing - because it was his car after all, and you didn't know him that well.  You felt pretty uncomfortable but he assured you he'd never had a car accident and no one else had ever complained, and so you let it go.

Remember the time when you finally decided it was time to get the friends together.  And everyone was charming, but after she said she couldn't stand your best mates wife, and what were they thinking, raising their kids that way.  But you really liked her, and she didn't have teenagers, so what would she really know about that.  So you decided you'd just make sure to do stuff just with the guys, and so you let it go.

Remember that time he said he'd take you somewhere special.  And you organised your weekend, which was not easy...and then at the last minute he said he couldn't do it, but couldn't really give you a good reason and brushed it off when you got upset, that you were over reacting and it was only loose plans wasn't it, and there were plenty of other weekends.  And you let it go?

And then suddenly, well maybe not so suddenly, that thing that you let go, it was just there all the time.  And you KNEW you should have said something when it was a little thing, and now it was a big thing.  And you KNEW that the little voice was right, and the tiny red flag was worth paying attention to, but you hadn't?

And the cold hard fact is that you said that behaviour was okay - even if you did that by tacit agreement - and so therefore the bar got set.  And that meant that the standard you thought was OK, actually wasn't, but the other person didn't know - and you continued to let it go - and they got away with, what turned out to be, pretty terrible behaviour?

Remember when you went on a date and you were treated so well you don't know why you put up with all that other rubbish? When the guy - or girl - phoned when they said they would, turned up on time, remembered the little things about you that you thought they wouldn't even notice?  When they liked you despite your insecurities - and didn't criticise you and you felt like you could be you and they could be them, and all was well.   Remember how good it made you feel about them - about you?

The level of tolerance sets the bar.  That's all I'm saying....

1 comment:

  1. And the more you ignore things and put up with things the easier it becomes for your partner to treat you not well and for you to be able to ignore it too. You need to speak up when something is not okay with you....and if they react in a not very nice way then are they really worth it??????