I am the product of a blended family. My parents both remarried when I was quite young and Dad went on to have more children. The relationship between my birth parents is....strained. My brother is married and his wife's parents are also divorced.
I separated from my children's father more than 5 years ago and enjoy a fairly good friendship with him, which is mainly for the benefit of the children who are still young.
I re partnered about 18 months ago and he too has children from his marriage although they are almost adults now.
For most of the year, none of this really matters - we all get on with daily lives and cross paths on a normal basis. Birthdays and other occasions are relatively easy to negotiate without acrimony.
But Christmas. Ah Christmas how you torture us with your call to goodwill and unity!
Every year seems to become more difficult - and with extra partners, children, long standing 'issues'', geographical differences, ageing parents with declining health...good grief...this is not the season to be jolly no matter how much I might want it. I find myself caught in the middle, the pacifier and yet somehow also the one who is missing out all round. Of course I want to spend quality time with my family at Christmas time - just as I do at any other time of the year. but Christmas takes on this extra dimension of pressure, not helped by time constraints, budget challenges, traffic problems and personality clashes.
I know I'm not unique in this. In fact, when I talk to others, it would seem that the happy-family-who-play-together idea is actually the exception not the rule. Almost everyone I know is in this same position, of feeling the need to race around on what ought to be the laziest day of the year. There's an overwhelming sense of duty and pressure that, in ordinary circumstances, we wouldn't dream of putting on each other.
So this year it is different. I'm staying home for Christmas. and its going to be the simplest one ever. I hope that my nearest and dearest will all see me and the children, and me, them and theirs. But it might not actually be on Christmas Day. And whilst I know for some that is the important bit, for me it isn't - and frankly the thought of packing up the car in the heat (or the rain as is expected) and spending 3 hours of Christmas day driving does nothing for me no matter how much I want to see my family. For me, it's a season, not a set number of hours. This year, for the first time ( I think ever) I am spending the whole of Christmas Day at my own house. I took the kids to church yesterday (where they both starred in the nativity play) so we won't even be racing off to that between breakfast and lunch. I'm yet to decide the menu for the day, but I'm thinking it's going to be pretty simple. There's a minimal number of presents under the tree. Some, but not all of the decorations strung about the place.
And on Boxing Day my children are going on holiday with their father. Everyone else close to me will be away so it will be just me. Also for the first time ever.
And so, I too am having a holiday. Possibility away from home. No duties to perform. No responsibilities. Only 5 days, but this is the first break like this I have had for 11 years. And I can't wait.
Happy Christmas.
Showing posts with label societal pressures. Show all posts
Showing posts with label societal pressures. Show all posts
choice, choosing and chosen
Last night I went to see Marigold Hotel. It was an absolutely brilliant movie, with amazing scenery and music, a formidable cast - and it was absolutely packed with hilarious one-liners.
I found myself wishing for a pen and paper to write them down on more than one occasion - but one line in particular really stood out for me. The character, Madge, is a woman in her late 50's who is reflecting on her single state. She is asked if she has a husband and responds with ''No. single by choice. Just not my choice''
I love that line. I was sitting with a group of 6 women, none of whom are single by choice either. In fact I'd be surprised if there were many people out there who actually are. Sure there's single for a season, single for a reason. But my belief is that most of us would desire to be part of a unit.
The challenge lies in being open to that opportunity, without appearing - acting - like you are desperate to close the deal. For some that means casually dating, for others it's a mad fling, for others it means staying firmly in the ''no thankyou'' zone. It's challenging and sometimes quite daunting, especially when society pushes it's expectations of couplehood upon the unpartnered.
I have a close friend going through this at the moment. Having recently come out of a relationship she is feeling the pain of the demise - doing the usual ''what if'' retrospects, and having to deal with the reality of being single again. She is young and smart and beautiful and has no trouble attracting men. The question is, does she welcome that attention or simply learn to BE as a single for as long as it takes to be ready to take the plunge again.
Single by choice? Probably not. Someone Else's choice - yes often. But even if the choice is made for you, surely there is room to choose to sit with that choice, even if you're not ready to embrace it fully.
I found myself wishing for a pen and paper to write them down on more than one occasion - but one line in particular really stood out for me. The character, Madge, is a woman in her late 50's who is reflecting on her single state. She is asked if she has a husband and responds with ''No. single by choice. Just not my choice''
I love that line. I was sitting with a group of 6 women, none of whom are single by choice either. In fact I'd be surprised if there were many people out there who actually are. Sure there's single for a season, single for a reason. But my belief is that most of us would desire to be part of a unit.
The challenge lies in being open to that opportunity, without appearing - acting - like you are desperate to close the deal. For some that means casually dating, for others it's a mad fling, for others it means staying firmly in the ''no thankyou'' zone. It's challenging and sometimes quite daunting, especially when society pushes it's expectations of couplehood upon the unpartnered.
I have a close friend going through this at the moment. Having recently come out of a relationship she is feeling the pain of the demise - doing the usual ''what if'' retrospects, and having to deal with the reality of being single again. She is young and smart and beautiful and has no trouble attracting men. The question is, does she welcome that attention or simply learn to BE as a single for as long as it takes to be ready to take the plunge again.
Single by choice? Probably not. Someone Else's choice - yes often. But even if the choice is made for you, surely there is room to choose to sit with that choice, even if you're not ready to embrace it fully.
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