I'm the first to agree that it can be scary getting into something new.
Past baggage sure can get in the way and throw itself off the luggage rack at the most inopportune moments! The things that are button pushers for one may not even be a consideration for the other. The expectations of one might be quite different to the other. The energy levels, degree of commitment, extraneous life issues, all could potentially cause
But here's the thing:
What if, instead of saying ''it's all too hard to be in a relationship with you'' we could simply do it anyway, and worry about that stuff once you're there?
Absolutely have a plan (a strategy and a preferred outcome!), but I think much like taking on an employee, or starting a business, or trying a new hobby - it starts with the will to make it happen and the belief that ultimately, it is a good decision.
My argument here is that BEING in a relationship - whether it's a romantic one, a friendship, a work partnership - probably is hard. All the things up there will apply at some point or another. But GETTING into a relationship shouldn't be. Simply put, you either want it, or you don't. Working on the theory that you do (that you are assuming success, however that might look down the track), gives both people the freedom to be themselves, and spend their energy on finding solutions and outcomes, rather than focusing on the obstacles and potential failure points.
So it follows then, to me anyway, that the person who says ''I don't want to be in a relationship'' probably means with you, because if you want it, you make it happen and then worry about the detail later.
True? False? Idealistic?
I think your take on this is idealistic. For instance, I won't date a man who is not yet divorced, or a man with children younger than teens (the ages of my kids), or a man who lives longer than an hour away. All of these I learned through experience. By eliminating these obstacles immediately, I'm eliminating beginning something that will only end up badly, because it is not what I really want. For me, it's about being more selective, a process I'm learning right now as I begin a search for a new, happier relationship with the right man.
ReplyDeletei absolutely agree about having those rules/boundaries/deal breakers. And eliminating in the first instance certainly can reduce the pain-risk element. And selective at the start sure makes sense.
ReplyDeleteWhat I meant really though was that (assuming the person meets all the criteria you have set, or at least doesn't negate any of the deal breakers), surely we have to be brave enough to GET ON with it. there will always be other things that come up especially as we get older and have more ''stuff''. its often just a measure of having to feel the fear and do it anyway.