I had an interesting conversation yesterday with someone who is going though an all too common problem. I need to say right at the start that I don't know the woman involved, and only met the man for the first time yesterday, and so my blog today is really just a reflection on the issue rather than my opinion on where this particular relationship sits on this.
The synopsis is, the guy is a man of deep spiritual faith, and a regular church attender. His partner is not. In fact she has stated she is not really interested in this aspect of life. So he's really struggling with this.
This is a pretty common situation, especially for the re-partnered. My experience tells me that it's incredibly difficult to maintain a whole relationship with someone whose core beliefs (as opposed to their core values, which are quite different to spiritual issues) differ to your own. But what interests me most is that Christians in particular, really struggle with this issue. Not only because it can impact on so many areas of life (raising kids, how weekends are spent, how to celebrate holidays), but also many really find it hard to come to terms with the idea that by being ''unequally yoked'' they are disobeying the very God they believe in.
Is it possible to have a relationship with someone of differing beliefs? Many would say yes, and just as many would say no. The ones who say no would probably argue hard won experience, quote Bible verses and cite examples of friends whose relationships had failed in part - great or small - to religious differences. And the ones who say yes would most likely fall into two categories. Those who are comfortable enough with their own faith but see no pressing need to share it with others, even those close to them, and those who see their own faith as '''leading the way'' for their partners.
The practicalities are this: Are you okay with possibly compromising on the stories and narratives given to your children? If you're a regular church going are you happy to do this on your own? If talking about ''God'' stuff is important to you, are you happy to NOT do this with your partner? Are the peripherals of what you believe going to be impacted and does it matter? (the moral issues...gambling, alcohol and drugs, celebrations like Halloween, any other issue with a strong Christian line in the sand). Is the fact that a part of your life potentially always going to be separate to your partners? - in this case bear in mind that a/ to them Christianity may well be viewed as a hobby like tramping or cycling or cooking, simply because of their lack of interest or empathy and b/ there's no rule to say a couple has to share everything.
My observation is this: Does God actually care whether you are in a relationship with someone with the same beliefs as you? I think if you believe that God actually has an opinion about this you could argue that yes, He probably does think it would make things a whole lot easier for you if it's something shared. Does He disapprove or forbid these differences? Well, possibly, but refer to the previous comment. I think the issue here is not really about God. There will be a pile of Bible verses to support either side of the argument and justify both positions, if you look hard enough and interpret them to your own ends.
The issue for me is not whether GOD can accept that you might be in a relationship with a ''non-believer'' (eek horrible expression!), but whether YOU can.
Showing posts with label deal breakers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label deal breakers. Show all posts
the chuck-it list
OK, confession time. Yours not mine. Obviously.
I can't speak for the men who read this, but certainly most of the women I know - in real life and in cyber space - have a list. They don't necessarily broadcast it, publish it or even admit to it, but it's there none the less. The list sometimes includes deal-breakers (eg smoking, drugs, credit rating) but usually is more of a wish list - a projected view of what Mr Perfect might look like. And it's pretty predictable. Tall, smart, successful. Financially stable. Good career. Nice friends. Stylish. Urbane. Funny. Fit and healthy. Yada yada yada.
Actually all good qualities, and certainly the kind of things that would be attractive in any one. I'm not sure that it's possible to get all that on the one skeleton but I sure know plenty of people who are hopeful!
But this week it was my turn to be asked about lists. A personal question. What was on mine?
I really had to think about it. It's easy to have those things up there trip off the tongue. But actually, most of it is just real estate. Yes there's some deal breakers. . Smoking. Gambling. A really bad credit history. Those kind of things that are mostly about self preservation.
But as for a wishlist. That's tough! I'm more interested in the stuff that's happening on the inside. Does this person treat others well? Do they have a social conscience? Do they honour those around them? Do they honor themselves?
Those things are going to last a whole lot longer than a sparkling career or even a great social circle. Sure it's great to meet someone who already has an established social circle, or interesting pursuits. Or a great car;).
But what really counts, for me anyway, is personal qualities. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Kindness. Energy. Integrity.
Do you have a wishlist? Is it really detailed or more general? Does it include some deal breakers and maybe some must haves? What if you met someone who compromised it or challenged it? So what?
Perhaps the bucket list needs to go. Far far away. Chuck it. And let your good sense guide you instead.
Your thoughts?
I can't speak for the men who read this, but certainly most of the women I know - in real life and in cyber space - have a list. They don't necessarily broadcast it, publish it or even admit to it, but it's there none the less. The list sometimes includes deal-breakers (eg smoking, drugs, credit rating) but usually is more of a wish list - a projected view of what Mr Perfect might look like. And it's pretty predictable. Tall, smart, successful. Financially stable. Good career. Nice friends. Stylish. Urbane. Funny. Fit and healthy. Yada yada yada.
Actually all good qualities, and certainly the kind of things that would be attractive in any one. I'm not sure that it's possible to get all that on the one skeleton but I sure know plenty of people who are hopeful!
But this week it was my turn to be asked about lists. A personal question. What was on mine?
I really had to think about it. It's easy to have those things up there trip off the tongue. But actually, most of it is just real estate. Yes there's some deal breakers. . Smoking. Gambling. A really bad credit history. Those kind of things that are mostly about self preservation.
But as for a wishlist. That's tough! I'm more interested in the stuff that's happening on the inside. Does this person treat others well? Do they have a social conscience? Do they honour those around them? Do they honor themselves?
Those things are going to last a whole lot longer than a sparkling career or even a great social circle. Sure it's great to meet someone who already has an established social circle, or interesting pursuits. Or a great car;).
But what really counts, for me anyway, is personal qualities. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Kindness. Energy. Integrity.
Do you have a wishlist? Is it really detailed or more general? Does it include some deal breakers and maybe some must haves? What if you met someone who compromised it or challenged it? So what?
Perhaps the bucket list needs to go. Far far away. Chuck it. And let your good sense guide you instead.
Your thoughts?
the new house
I spent today with an awesome couple...happily married 14 years and yet still with amazing empathy for their uncoupled friends (like me!).
I am nursing a rather bruised heart right now, and although we spoke a little of this, as they did not know the ''bruiser'' the conversation was more general when we got on the topic of relationships.
We talked of red lights and deal breakers. I shared that sometimes one has to let go of something precious because it is impossible...or may never be resolved. The husband remarked to me that he reckoned it reminded him of buying a house.
Some years ago he and his wife moved towns. They looked at dozens of houses. Some were good, some were not. They discovered, through process of trial, error and evaluation, that actually there was only one thing they could not compromise on - that the house had to be north facing.
So, enthusiasm renewed they started looking again. Found the perfect house. But it wasn't facing north. Eventually, they decided that unless a house was, they wouldn't even (to use his words) ''step in the door''.
Yep, this is just like the deal breaker of a relationship. Decide if there is anything you absolutely will not and cannot compromise. If there's something the other person does, has, or doesn't have, that is a deal breaker - then don't even step through the door for a coffee. If you do, sometime, somewhere, someone is going to get hurt.
I am nursing a rather bruised heart right now, and although we spoke a little of this, as they did not know the ''bruiser'' the conversation was more general when we got on the topic of relationships.
We talked of red lights and deal breakers. I shared that sometimes one has to let go of something precious because it is impossible...or may never be resolved. The husband remarked to me that he reckoned it reminded him of buying a house.
Some years ago he and his wife moved towns. They looked at dozens of houses. Some were good, some were not. They discovered, through process of trial, error and evaluation, that actually there was only one thing they could not compromise on - that the house had to be north facing.
So, enthusiasm renewed they started looking again. Found the perfect house. But it wasn't facing north. Eventually, they decided that unless a house was, they wouldn't even (to use his words) ''step in the door''.
Yep, this is just like the deal breaker of a relationship. Decide if there is anything you absolutely will not and cannot compromise. If there's something the other person does, has, or doesn't have, that is a deal breaker - then don't even step through the door for a coffee. If you do, sometime, somewhere, someone is going to get hurt.
deal breakers and lists
So it seems that everyone I talk to has a list. Some are vague, more of an idea of ideals, others are specific (hair colour? really...control issues;)).
But to have some bottom lines, that's important I reckon.
Most of the uncoupled people I know say that in retrospect they can see that in compromising a deal breaker, they knew they were risking the success of their relationship. Usually related to a core value than a personal preference, it must be said.
They compromised on having children, not having children. On religious and spiritual issues. On matters financial (more about that in a previous blog). The big life issues that need to be negotiated and approached with mutual agreeance.
One could argue that opposites attract and that some conflict and disagreement is healthy - and whilst I can agree with this to a point, I think when it comes to the really 'big questions'' of life, it's probably wise to be at least on the same page as your potential partner. Relationships, are tricky enough to negotiate without throwing life sized obstacles in the path right at the start.
I guess if I'm honest I have a bit of both. A few ideals, one or two deal breakers, and a loose list of preferables. There are a few things I don't want to compromise, and some I'm open to discussions on.
What are your deal breakers? Have you ever compromised one? what happened?
But to have some bottom lines, that's important I reckon.
Most of the uncoupled people I know say that in retrospect they can see that in compromising a deal breaker, they knew they were risking the success of their relationship. Usually related to a core value than a personal preference, it must be said.
They compromised on having children, not having children. On religious and spiritual issues. On matters financial (more about that in a previous blog). The big life issues that need to be negotiated and approached with mutual agreeance.
One could argue that opposites attract and that some conflict and disagreement is healthy - and whilst I can agree with this to a point, I think when it comes to the really 'big questions'' of life, it's probably wise to be at least on the same page as your potential partner. Relationships, are tricky enough to negotiate without throwing life sized obstacles in the path right at the start.
I guess if I'm honest I have a bit of both. A few ideals, one or two deal breakers, and a loose list of preferables. There are a few things I don't want to compromise, and some I'm open to discussions on.
What are your deal breakers? Have you ever compromised one? what happened?
situation vacant
http://www.examiner.com/single-moms-in-salt-lake-city/required-qualities-for-suitors-of-single-moms
I used to think that having a wish list...having dealbreakers...having aspirations about what was important sounded a bit haughty. I mean, it's not like I'm perfect, far from it, so who was I to say that what I was seeking in a man!
And it all sounded a bit like a dating profile...must like dogs and kids...should have seen the world...have their own hair...
But the more I read about life in the single lane, the disaster stories (including more than one of my own - although I prefer to think of them as miscalculations), the more convinced I'm becoming that as a 'mature'single person, and as a single mother, I need to be tougher with my list of criteria.
All this stuff about settling, a la Lori Gottlieb (http://www.lorigottlieb.com/)...well, what could she know. Let's ask again in 10 years when she's been married to Mr Good-enough for a decade, and see if settling was actually the right decision!
I accept there are ideals that we would all like and probably will never find (let's face it, there's not many 40 somethings-I'll adore you and your kids-I own a freehold house-I can cook and clean and fold towels-I love the earth and nature and all things spiritual- kind of guys out there: oops TMI?)...but yes, there are some deal breakers.
Here's mine:
I get that you might not be financially strong. Relationships can do that to a guy. But at least have a decent credit rating and a job
I get that you're probably not as lean as you used to be, that bits of your body are starting to wear out, that your hairline is in a different place to where it started. But at least wear clean clothes, that actually fit,and brush your teeth regularly
I get that you'd like to have long lazy sleepins on a Saturday. So would I. I get that you'd like peace after 7 pm. Heck, so would I! but with me, it ain't gonna happen. very often. Love me, love my kids.
I get that you need your own space. Actually I think that's a good thing. Weekend with the boys? go for it! Hobbies that don't include me? Awesome. I'll watch the football with you. As long as I can read at the same time.
I get that most guys just don't see dirt. I don't expect you to clean up mine. But I do expect you to clean your own. I'm not your mother.
I used to think that having a wish list...having dealbreakers...having aspirations about what was important sounded a bit haughty. I mean, it's not like I'm perfect, far from it, so who was I to say that what I was seeking in a man!
And it all sounded a bit like a dating profile...must like dogs and kids...should have seen the world...have their own hair...
But the more I read about life in the single lane, the disaster stories (including more than one of my own - although I prefer to think of them as miscalculations), the more convinced I'm becoming that as a 'mature'single person, and as a single mother, I need to be tougher with my list of criteria.
All this stuff about settling, a la Lori Gottlieb (http://www.lorigottlieb.com/)...well, what could she know. Let's ask again in 10 years when she's been married to Mr Good-enough for a decade, and see if settling was actually the right decision!
I accept there are ideals that we would all like and probably will never find (let's face it, there's not many 40 somethings-I'll adore you and your kids-I own a freehold house-I can cook and clean and fold towels-I love the earth and nature and all things spiritual- kind of guys out there: oops TMI?)...but yes, there are some deal breakers.
Here's mine:
I get that you might not be financially strong. Relationships can do that to a guy. But at least have a decent credit rating and a job
I get that you're probably not as lean as you used to be, that bits of your body are starting to wear out, that your hairline is in a different place to where it started. But at least wear clean clothes, that actually fit,and brush your teeth regularly
I get that you'd like to have long lazy sleepins on a Saturday. So would I. I get that you'd like peace after 7 pm. Heck, so would I! but with me, it ain't gonna happen. very often. Love me, love my kids.
I get that you need your own space. Actually I think that's a good thing. Weekend with the boys? go for it! Hobbies that don't include me? Awesome. I'll watch the football with you. As long as I can read at the same time.
I get that most guys just don't see dirt. I don't expect you to clean up mine. But I do expect you to clean your own. I'm not your mother.
I get that you probably don't spend as much time as I do pondering the big questions in life. But I'd love it if you're open to talking about them with me.
I get that you'd rather be with a hot 30 year old with a perky butt and a stylish car. So would I sometimes. But 40 can be hot too. And a car is just a way of getting from A to B. Really.
I get that you have a past and that it probably includes more than one ex. Most likely more than one scar on your heart. Possibly some children. Gee, that's just like me! So let's just accept that and move with it. Don't be jealous of my exes. Be friends with the mother of your children. I think that's terrific. Maybe even on friendly terms with the others. But make up your mind who's going to take up residence in your heart. If it's them, I'm not interested in being a co- tenant.
Finally, I get that you're probably as nervous as I am about embarking on something new. I get that you might want to take it slow. (Whew!). I also get that you are probably not going to be that excited about waiting to have sex. (I might not be either). But here's the thing. Not making a decision is still making a decision. You either want to try with me or you don't. Don't keep me hanging. It's uncool and I won't do it to you.
I get that you have a past and that it probably includes more than one ex. Most likely more than one scar on your heart. Possibly some children. Gee, that's just like me! So let's just accept that and move with it. Don't be jealous of my exes. Be friends with the mother of your children. I think that's terrific. Maybe even on friendly terms with the others. But make up your mind who's going to take up residence in your heart. If it's them, I'm not interested in being a co- tenant.
Finally, I get that you're probably as nervous as I am about embarking on something new. I get that you might want to take it slow. (Whew!). I also get that you are probably not going to be that excited about waiting to have sex. (I might not be either). But here's the thing. Not making a decision is still making a decision. You either want to try with me or you don't. Don't keep me hanging. It's uncool and I won't do it to you.
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