In retrospect I....
Realise I have made some spectacularly bad decisions, but also a few that have resulted in me learning some awesome lessons
Can identify the things that motivate me, deflate me, infuriate me and inspire me
Wish I had, so many times, said less, said more, been more passive, been a little more agressive
Introspect allows me to....
Forgive myself
Challenge myself
Step outside the daily grind of life and dream a little
Respect, to me means....
Knowing my own boundaries
Working out where the boundaries of others are
Managing to work with both
Showing posts with label boundaries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boundaries. Show all posts
boundaries with the FDH
I jumped in the bath last night for my usual 20 minutes peace. A car came up the driveway and I heard the children call out ''It's Dad!''.
This is a tough one for me - I am so glad that he wants to see his kids every day, and that they are always so thrilled to see him.
But it still feels weird having him in my house (it was never his), and especially when I was in the bath. I felt...extremely uncomfortable. And sad that this is how life is. It's been 4 years and still there is this weird wobbly line instead of a boundary.
And Im caught between rock and hard place - if I ask for him to not arrive like this he will get angry and threaten to not see the children at all. If I let it go I end up feeling uncomfortable about being in my own house.
what to do?
This is a tough one for me - I am so glad that he wants to see his kids every day, and that they are always so thrilled to see him.
But it still feels weird having him in my house (it was never his), and especially when I was in the bath. I felt...extremely uncomfortable. And sad that this is how life is. It's been 4 years and still there is this weird wobbly line instead of a boundary.
And Im caught between rock and hard place - if I ask for him to not arrive like this he will get angry and threaten to not see the children at all. If I let it go I end up feeling uncomfortable about being in my own house.
what to do?
blind trust and the steely exterior
I have a knack for being too trusting.
The problem is, I keep getting hurt. I make a lot of allowances for what in retrospect is usually simply bad behaviour. I make excuses, pour oil on troubled waters and shield the perpetrator from the feedback (aka criticisms) of my friends. I've done my time in counselling and remain at a loss as to why I keep doing this. But I think it's because I want to believe the best of people, that deep down we are all decent and honest. That everyone is redeemable and a lifetime of bad decisions does not a bas**rd make.
Its hard to find a middle ground, because I also don't want to be one of those ''you can't mess with me or I'll crush ya'' kind of girls. You know, the ones who have that brittle exterior that is supposed to show toughness, but actually suggests they'll break without too much provocation. They trust no-one and take that into their relationships.
It would be easy for this blog to turn into a place for horror stories, for notes of dire warning and a home for sob stories. But in order to protect the probably-not-that-innocent after all I am doing my best to avoid it. That said, I have had the dubious pleasure of crossing paths with way too many players, users, and frankly dangerous men over my life which tells me there just might be a place for it! Of course, I would also say that the players, users and danger-men were all basically good guys that just had a few things they needed to sort through - that although it is not my job to rescue or redeem them, it is also not fair of me to judge them on their shortcomings. Goodness knows I have enough of my own after all...
But if there's a life lesson here, I guess it's about boundaries. This year I want to stay (well, try and stay) true to my goal of setting and maintaining good ones. Deciding what things I think are okay and what aren't. Figuring out what is human frailty and what is deliberate pain infliction. Remembering that those same broken people, men or women, can be as broken as they like, but I don't have to welcome them in and allow them to practice that on me.
I still believe in believing in people. I still hope to meet that magic combination of energy, kindness and integrity.
The problem is, I keep getting hurt. I make a lot of allowances for what in retrospect is usually simply bad behaviour. I make excuses, pour oil on troubled waters and shield the perpetrator from the feedback (aka criticisms) of my friends. I've done my time in counselling and remain at a loss as to why I keep doing this. But I think it's because I want to believe the best of people, that deep down we are all decent and honest. That everyone is redeemable and a lifetime of bad decisions does not a bas**rd make.
Its hard to find a middle ground, because I also don't want to be one of those ''you can't mess with me or I'll crush ya'' kind of girls. You know, the ones who have that brittle exterior that is supposed to show toughness, but actually suggests they'll break without too much provocation. They trust no-one and take that into their relationships.
It would be easy for this blog to turn into a place for horror stories, for notes of dire warning and a home for sob stories. But in order to protect the probably-not-that-innocent after all I am doing my best to avoid it. That said, I have had the dubious pleasure of crossing paths with way too many players, users, and frankly dangerous men over my life which tells me there just might be a place for it! Of course, I would also say that the players, users and danger-men were all basically good guys that just had a few things they needed to sort through - that although it is not my job to rescue or redeem them, it is also not fair of me to judge them on their shortcomings. Goodness knows I have enough of my own after all...
But if there's a life lesson here, I guess it's about boundaries. This year I want to stay (well, try and stay) true to my goal of setting and maintaining good ones. Deciding what things I think are okay and what aren't. Figuring out what is human frailty and what is deliberate pain infliction. Remembering that those same broken people, men or women, can be as broken as they like, but I don't have to welcome them in and allow them to practice that on me.
I still believe in believing in people. I still hope to meet that magic combination of energy, kindness and integrity.
But in the words of a wise friend: it's a matter of learning how to balance a willingness to trust with a self-protecting cynicism.
tell me what you want what you really really want
I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want!
Actually, I don't know that I can...but I can tell you what I don't want....
- I don't want a father for my kids, they already have one - although a great mate would be awesome
- I don't want an entourage of exes and past loves, either in physical or emotional form, sharing my relationship - although a healthy and friendly rapport is all good
- I don't want to be responsible for someone elses happiness, finances or social life - although I'd be glad to share all three with the right person
- I don't want to spend my Sundays alone for ever - although the odd solitary one is just fine
- I don't want a short term see what happens, doomed affair - although I'm also not seeking a firm commitment from the first date!
- I don't want to have to compromise my values and beliefs - although I'm open to explore new ones
- I don't want to give up my life as i know it (friends, interests, lifestyle) - although I'm excited about the possibilities of getting new ones of all three
Sound negative? Maybe...I guess I could turn all these comments into positives - but where's the fun in that!
It's only in knowing what you don't want, that allows you to seek that which you really do.
Don't you think?
Actually, I don't know that I can...but I can tell you what I don't want....
- I don't want a father for my kids, they already have one - although a great mate would be awesome
- I don't want an entourage of exes and past loves, either in physical or emotional form, sharing my relationship - although a healthy and friendly rapport is all good
- I don't want to be responsible for someone elses happiness, finances or social life - although I'd be glad to share all three with the right person
- I don't want to spend my Sundays alone for ever - although the odd solitary one is just fine
- I don't want a short term see what happens, doomed affair - although I'm also not seeking a firm commitment from the first date!
- I don't want to have to compromise my values and beliefs - although I'm open to explore new ones
- I don't want to give up my life as i know it (friends, interests, lifestyle) - although I'm excited about the possibilities of getting new ones of all three
Sound negative? Maybe...I guess I could turn all these comments into positives - but where's the fun in that!
It's only in knowing what you don't want, that allows you to seek that which you really do.
Don't you think?
the boundaries of good taste
Why is that women (in particular) are poor at maintaining boundaries?
I'm sure that nearly every post-coupled woman I know could point to boundary issues as being one of the main reasons their relationships failed (oops...I mean...are no longer in existence...)
What makes a good boundary? Why do we even need them? And if they get pushed, stretched, challenged, or removed, what does it matter?
For me, boundaries are about knowing what I am prepared to give, and what I am to give up. It means knowing what I consider to be OK and choosing, intentionally to either stand firm, or make a compromise - because sometimes we have to do that.
When the relationship falters, it means looking at the whys...should I have allowed myself to accept that particular behaviour? Should I have responded in that way? How did that make me feel later, when the burst of raw emotion had dissipated? If that happens again, how will I respond?
I had cause a year or so ago, to point out one of my boundaries to a (male) friend. He was upset, which was just fine. Talking about a work incident. Got really worked up about it. Language started to deteriorate. Body gestures became bigger. Voice louder. My natural (long learned and long lived) reaction was to say nothing. After all, it wasn't about me was it? But something stopped me. I realised I did not want to be around that kind of reaction - no matter how righteous the other person felt. And so I said: your reactions are making me uncomfortable. I can't, I won't, deal with this anger in you.
It was scary, oh yes - I didn't know what response it would get. But it was also liberating. For one of the first times in my life, I claimed my boundary. And continue to do that.
Boundaries make sense. They give us guidelines. They actually make life simpler I think - if we know where they are. Nothing wrong with pushing them sometimes, but unless you have them to start with, there's nothing to even push against.
Similarly the boundaries of friendship/relationship/connection. The clearer they are for you (for me!), the easier it is to stay true to myself....and hence attract the kind of people who value me for being me. We hang on to people, experiences and relationships because of the good in them - that I understand - but often the reason those relationships have evolved to where they are now is absolutely because the boundaries changed - or absolutely need to.
Sometimes that means putting up that fence so high I can't see the person on the other side...other times it might mean leaving a gate open - but it's still a line, that I decide for myself. I figure as long as I am clear to ME about what my boundaries are, that's what's important and allows me to be truly me.
I'm sure that nearly every post-coupled woman I know could point to boundary issues as being one of the main reasons their relationships failed (oops...I mean...are no longer in existence...)
What makes a good boundary? Why do we even need them? And if they get pushed, stretched, challenged, or removed, what does it matter?
For me, boundaries are about knowing what I am prepared to give, and what I am to give up. It means knowing what I consider to be OK and choosing, intentionally to either stand firm, or make a compromise - because sometimes we have to do that.
When the relationship falters, it means looking at the whys...should I have allowed myself to accept that particular behaviour? Should I have responded in that way? How did that make me feel later, when the burst of raw emotion had dissipated? If that happens again, how will I respond?
I had cause a year or so ago, to point out one of my boundaries to a (male) friend. He was upset, which was just fine. Talking about a work incident. Got really worked up about it. Language started to deteriorate. Body gestures became bigger. Voice louder. My natural (long learned and long lived) reaction was to say nothing. After all, it wasn't about me was it? But something stopped me. I realised I did not want to be around that kind of reaction - no matter how righteous the other person felt. And so I said: your reactions are making me uncomfortable. I can't, I won't, deal with this anger in you.
It was scary, oh yes - I didn't know what response it would get. But it was also liberating. For one of the first times in my life, I claimed my boundary. And continue to do that.
Boundaries make sense. They give us guidelines. They actually make life simpler I think - if we know where they are. Nothing wrong with pushing them sometimes, but unless you have them to start with, there's nothing to even push against.
Similarly the boundaries of friendship/relationship/connection. The clearer they are for you (for me!), the easier it is to stay true to myself....and hence attract the kind of people who value me for being me. We hang on to people, experiences and relationships because of the good in them - that I understand - but often the reason those relationships have evolved to where they are now is absolutely because the boundaries changed - or absolutely need to.
Sometimes that means putting up that fence so high I can't see the person on the other side...other times it might mean leaving a gate open - but it's still a line, that I decide for myself. I figure as long as I am clear to ME about what my boundaries are, that's what's important and allows me to be truly me.
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