We live in a world that requires and engenders trust.
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Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
what a friend would do - part two
I was thinking today ....about the people we treat best in our lives...the most consistently, with the most respect, with the most kindness and tolerance...the ones we are loyal to in the most trying of circumstances, the ones we take phone calls from at odd hours, make endless cups of coffee for when we have far more pressing issues to attend to, that we ignore the foibles and habits of.
How odd it is that these people are not our family - our kids, our sibling our parents. They are not our employers. They are not even our spouses . That group - family, significant others, employers - we make public promises to, even sign contracts with!
Don't you think it's strange, that the ones to whom we make no promises, that we don't have an ''official'' lifelong commitment to, that we don't have to provide a service to, or have a contract with....these people are 'just' our friends and no more - or no less, depending on your perspective.
I get that no one wants to lose a friend. Especially a close one. Extra especially your ''best friend''. I suppose that is why we treat those friendships with care, for years and years and years. Others come and go, but the best friend is there for ever and those friendships somehow endure everything.
Is it because we give our ''best selves'' to those friendships? We only ever show our best side, because the risk of warts and all might be too much for the friendship to bear? Or is is that we give everything and bare everything, and trust that the best friend will stick around anyway? I know my best friends have seen the best and worst of me and they are still there, decades later.
Why then, do we not afford the people we profess to love the most (sometimes have publicly and legally professed it even!) the same? Does familiarity breed contempt? Or do we have some weird subconscious belief that a spouse will stick around regardless of our behaviours, where a friend would not? Is it because we feel so safe with our spouse/family member that we can, for a time, abandon kindness or respect, sometimes in the name of honesty - or even untruth?
Shouldn't we be treating that person with even more (insert quality here) than anyone else in our lives?
I think so. But we don't. Not all the time anyway. And when a friend does betray us in some way, or act unkindly or inconsistently, its SO hard not to hurt, and hurt deeply. Somehow it is a wound that takes a long time to heal. Weirdly, to be abandoned by a friend seems to hurt as much, if not more, than to endure a failed relationship.
I love the idea of my SO being my best friend, and have had the joy and privilege of this in the past. (and yes I know that friendship alone is of course not enough to any more than romantic love is, or any other single part of - I know that what works is being in a whole, sustainable relationship). And I think in the early times of relationship we do apply those same standards. But I'm talking about long term mature relationships here - the ones that we all want (or at least most people do). The ones that get past crazy stupid love and into the deep trusting place of commitment and enduring love. The ones that could get so easily and dangerously close to the 'taking for granted'' place, the ''I don't really feel that friendly right now'' space. The ''I think I need a new hobby'' place! The 'I wish she'd just get out of my face'' space!
So...imagine if we treated our most significant others, and our relationships with them, with the same care and attention that we do a close friend - for ever! The fierce loyalty, 'drop anything for you' generous kind and 'best selves forward' kind of friendship we have with our best friends. What different relationships they might be.
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How odd it is that these people are not our family - our kids, our sibling our parents. They are not our employers. They are not even our spouses . That group - family, significant others, employers - we make public promises to, even sign contracts with!
Don't you think it's strange, that the ones to whom we make no promises, that we don't have an ''official'' lifelong commitment to, that we don't have to provide a service to, or have a contract with....these people are 'just' our friends and no more - or no less, depending on your perspective.
I get that no one wants to lose a friend. Especially a close one. Extra especially your ''best friend''. I suppose that is why we treat those friendships with care, for years and years and years. Others come and go, but the best friend is there for ever and those friendships somehow endure everything.
Is it because we give our ''best selves'' to those friendships? We only ever show our best side, because the risk of warts and all might be too much for the friendship to bear? Or is is that we give everything and bare everything, and trust that the best friend will stick around anyway? I know my best friends have seen the best and worst of me and they are still there, decades later.
Why then, do we not afford the people we profess to love the most (sometimes have publicly and legally professed it even!) the same? Does familiarity breed contempt? Or do we have some weird subconscious belief that a spouse will stick around regardless of our behaviours, where a friend would not? Is it because we feel so safe with our spouse/family member that we can, for a time, abandon kindness or respect, sometimes in the name of honesty - or even untruth?
Shouldn't we be treating that person with even more (insert quality here) than anyone else in our lives?
I think so. But we don't. Not all the time anyway. And when a friend does betray us in some way, or act unkindly or inconsistently, its SO hard not to hurt, and hurt deeply. Somehow it is a wound that takes a long time to heal. Weirdly, to be abandoned by a friend seems to hurt as much, if not more, than to endure a failed relationship.
I love the idea of my SO being my best friend, and have had the joy and privilege of this in the past. (and yes I know that friendship alone is of course not enough to any more than romantic love is, or any other single part of - I know that what works is being in a whole, sustainable relationship). And I think in the early times of relationship we do apply those same standards. But I'm talking about long term mature relationships here - the ones that we all want (or at least most people do). The ones that get past crazy stupid love and into the deep trusting place of commitment and enduring love. The ones that could get so easily and dangerously close to the 'taking for granted'' place, the ''I don't really feel that friendly right now'' space. The ''I think I need a new hobby'' place! The 'I wish she'd just get out of my face'' space!
So...imagine if we treated our most significant others, and our relationships with them, with the same care and attention that we do a close friend - for ever! The fierce loyalty, 'drop anything for you' generous kind and 'best selves forward' kind of friendship we have with our best friends. What different relationships they might be.
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Choosing love
I agree with it. I think it really is a choice to love someone. Whether that's a SO or a friend or whomever, it's a choice. I don't think it starts as a choice...in that in order to continue to choose love I think you have to have had it in the first place - it has to have a kick start, as it were. Ergo, there will be people that you will cross paths with and not love.
But there will be a few, a very few, that you will love. Maybe fall in love with, that's semantics...but love. Truly love. And I think once you are at that starting point, love is a changeable, thing. I believe Love is steadfast (as it is described in the Bible). That doesn't mean love doesn't change, it doesn't mean that it will always feel the same (in fact probably you won't feel it at all sometimes...), it just means that it's there, standing steady, because of the commitment of the person/people to hold it in place. REAL Love doesn't happen of it's own accord in my view. It IS deliberate. A choice every day to love someone even if you don't like them very much that day. Or those pressures like those listed above seem to be far more real feelings than the ones of love. Or the impulse to jump ship is more overwhelming (and God knows we've all felt that...).
I've had a tough couple of weeks. Actually, a tough couple of months. There's been a few times when I didn't feel love, like the movies might like us to think we should. I chose to love anyway, steadfastly and deliberately. Unfortunately for me, it didn't work out. And I have, I must confess, in the past few days shown glimpses my own filthy side as I struggle to come to terms with it. I have not been very deliberate in my attempts to to be consistently patient and kind. (although God knows I've tried, I really have). I've certainly let my own ego get in the way. (Then again, who wouldn't?...) To learn than for some, feelings win over form is a painful discovery. I have had every emotion - sadness, shock,disbelief, amazement, grief, insight, disappointment, anger, self righteous fury , worry, shame, self doubt, humiliation. And for better or worse, I still haven't yet been able to ''choose'' to turn OFF love (can you even do that?).
My trust in what love is, and should be, and could be, has been seriously rocked. Not for the first time in my life I find myself wondering if this ''love'' thing really is just a bunch of emotions that not only cant be trusted, but are somehow both ephemeral and finite. Maybe the sages are wrong, and in fact love is NOT a choice. Maybe it isn't solid. Maybe it isn't something that lasts at all. Maybe it really is just about feelings and all this ''love is patient/love is a choice type thinking is just a way of getting us to live on logic not feelings. Many is the day I have challenged my own feelings of love toward another. In 25 years of adult relationships I think it would be impossible not to!
So...Maybe it's something you just get carried away on a wave of - and as so, can just as easily be washed into a new wave? Even if you've been bobbing around in it for a while, with a life jacket on, it would seem there's no guarantee that you're going to stay afloat. That's a scary thought for me - how can I trust that love really can be steadfast if that is the truth?
I can question all I like. But I don't believe a word of it. I think Love...to love... IS a choice. It has to be. Or the whole world would be rushing around from ''love'' to ''love''. Sure, to love every day can require pain. Commitment. Sacrifice. Letting go of ego. But it's also full of the potential for true joy, security and safety in being able to be 'us'. And I know this because we all do it - we do it with our children, friends, family. We choose to love these people.
It seems that the only time we forget this is when it comes to 'romantic' love. Why is that different? I welcome your thoughts.
relationship advice you already know but need reminding of
Considering the disastrous eventful few years I've just had, you would probably be quite right in saying that I am the last person who should be giving relationship advice. But, based on the fact that prior to aforementioned eventfulness I managed a 16 year relationship, and have now started the re partnering process (successfully thus far;)), I have decided to share some of the gems of knowledge learned through experience - both mine and others - in vain hope that someone, somewhere, might gain from it.
I thereby present:
10 things I wish I knew about relationships then, but do now
1. It's only a phase if you can see an end in sight - and if you can't, you are taking steps to change something. The same goes for ''rough patches'' and ''ups and downs'' . If you do nothing the phase will become a habit and that, my friend, will be the end of your relationship
2. There's no such thing as one person being unhappy in a relationship. Whether they or you admit it, if one person is unhappy it's about 99% likely so is the other one
3. If something is really troubling you in your relationship, you HAVE to address it, talk about it, discuss it. No ifs, no buts. This is not about compromise or being accommodating. This is about actually 'fessing up about something you're unhappy with
4. Actually your friends and family do have a fair idea of how ''things are going'' for you, so be under no illusions that you're keeping up a happy face even if you're miserable.
5. If you believe your (healthy) relationship is truly worth fighting for then do everything in your power to keep it. Everything. Move towns, change jobs, whatever. Nothing is more important.
6. Pay attention to amber lights. Pay extra attention to red lights. Every time.
7. If you feel like a relationship isn't progressing because the other person ''isn't that into you'' (be honest here), then run/walk/limp away and maintain your dignity. If someone wants you, you'll know
8. You are always worth it.
9. Privacy is good. Discernment is fine. Secrecy is not. If you are a secret, or you are keeping a secret, then your relationship is not real.
10. Listen to your instincts. Every time. Every single time.
I thereby present:
10 things I wish I knew about relationships then, but do now
1. It's only a phase if you can see an end in sight - and if you can't, you are taking steps to change something. The same goes for ''rough patches'' and ''ups and downs'' . If you do nothing the phase will become a habit and that, my friend, will be the end of your relationship
2. There's no such thing as one person being unhappy in a relationship. Whether they or you admit it, if one person is unhappy it's about 99% likely so is the other one
3. If something is really troubling you in your relationship, you HAVE to address it, talk about it, discuss it. No ifs, no buts. This is not about compromise or being accommodating. This is about actually 'fessing up about something you're unhappy with
4. Actually your friends and family do have a fair idea of how ''things are going'' for you, so be under no illusions that you're keeping up a happy face even if you're miserable.
5. If you believe your (healthy) relationship is truly worth fighting for then do everything in your power to keep it. Everything. Move towns, change jobs, whatever. Nothing is more important.
6. Pay attention to amber lights. Pay extra attention to red lights. Every time.
7. If you feel like a relationship isn't progressing because the other person ''isn't that into you'' (be honest here), then run/walk/limp away and maintain your dignity. If someone wants you, you'll know
8. You are always worth it.
9. Privacy is good. Discernment is fine. Secrecy is not. If you are a secret, or you are keeping a secret, then your relationship is not real.
10. Listen to your instincts. Every time. Every single time.
blind trust and the steely exterior
I have a knack for being too trusting.
The problem is, I keep getting hurt. I make a lot of allowances for what in retrospect is usually simply bad behaviour. I make excuses, pour oil on troubled waters and shield the perpetrator from the feedback (aka criticisms) of my friends. I've done my time in counselling and remain at a loss as to why I keep doing this. But I think it's because I want to believe the best of people, that deep down we are all decent and honest. That everyone is redeemable and a lifetime of bad decisions does not a bas**rd make.
Its hard to find a middle ground, because I also don't want to be one of those ''you can't mess with me or I'll crush ya'' kind of girls. You know, the ones who have that brittle exterior that is supposed to show toughness, but actually suggests they'll break without too much provocation. They trust no-one and take that into their relationships.
It would be easy for this blog to turn into a place for horror stories, for notes of dire warning and a home for sob stories. But in order to protect the probably-not-that-innocent after all I am doing my best to avoid it. That said, I have had the dubious pleasure of crossing paths with way too many players, users, and frankly dangerous men over my life which tells me there just might be a place for it! Of course, I would also say that the players, users and danger-men were all basically good guys that just had a few things they needed to sort through - that although it is not my job to rescue or redeem them, it is also not fair of me to judge them on their shortcomings. Goodness knows I have enough of my own after all...
But if there's a life lesson here, I guess it's about boundaries. This year I want to stay (well, try and stay) true to my goal of setting and maintaining good ones. Deciding what things I think are okay and what aren't. Figuring out what is human frailty and what is deliberate pain infliction. Remembering that those same broken people, men or women, can be as broken as they like, but I don't have to welcome them in and allow them to practice that on me.
I still believe in believing in people. I still hope to meet that magic combination of energy, kindness and integrity.
The problem is, I keep getting hurt. I make a lot of allowances for what in retrospect is usually simply bad behaviour. I make excuses, pour oil on troubled waters and shield the perpetrator from the feedback (aka criticisms) of my friends. I've done my time in counselling and remain at a loss as to why I keep doing this. But I think it's because I want to believe the best of people, that deep down we are all decent and honest. That everyone is redeemable and a lifetime of bad decisions does not a bas**rd make.
Its hard to find a middle ground, because I also don't want to be one of those ''you can't mess with me or I'll crush ya'' kind of girls. You know, the ones who have that brittle exterior that is supposed to show toughness, but actually suggests they'll break without too much provocation. They trust no-one and take that into their relationships.
It would be easy for this blog to turn into a place for horror stories, for notes of dire warning and a home for sob stories. But in order to protect the probably-not-that-innocent after all I am doing my best to avoid it. That said, I have had the dubious pleasure of crossing paths with way too many players, users, and frankly dangerous men over my life which tells me there just might be a place for it! Of course, I would also say that the players, users and danger-men were all basically good guys that just had a few things they needed to sort through - that although it is not my job to rescue or redeem them, it is also not fair of me to judge them on their shortcomings. Goodness knows I have enough of my own after all...
But if there's a life lesson here, I guess it's about boundaries. This year I want to stay (well, try and stay) true to my goal of setting and maintaining good ones. Deciding what things I think are okay and what aren't. Figuring out what is human frailty and what is deliberate pain infliction. Remembering that those same broken people, men or women, can be as broken as they like, but I don't have to welcome them in and allow them to practice that on me.
I still believe in believing in people. I still hope to meet that magic combination of energy, kindness and integrity.
But in the words of a wise friend: it's a matter of learning how to balance a willingness to trust with a self-protecting cynicism.
do you trust me?
Forget the F-word and the C-word. If there was ever one that ought to top the list if risky things to say to a new beau, it would have to involve the T-word surely!
Too trusting. How many times have you thought that? How many times have you been that?!
Why do we need to ask someone if they trust us? To me it sounds a bit needy - or even a bit duplicitous. As in, I'll ask you if you trust me because in doing that I'm implying that you have no reason not to.
I am deeply uncomfortable with the concept of Do you trust me
- do you trust me when I say I'm going out with the girls and we're going dancing
- do you trust me when I am off on a rugby weekend
- do you trust me when I say that there is no-one but you
- do you trust me when I share my past with you and it sounds a bit improbably
Do you trust me? Seriously why would someone even need to ask that? Surely if there's been a DTR* conversation it's a given that there''s got to be some trust?
I find this trust thing a bit weird. Shouldn't you be able to '"do trust"" without saying it? or without asking? And yes we all feel the need to define it, and be reassured.
Or does the very fact that I am even having to discuss this mean that I have trust issues?
DTR- Define the Relationship - the conversation that we all know we need to have sooner rather than later, but when it's feeling tricky, usually do it later often by which time there's actually no relationship to define
Too trusting. How many times have you thought that? How many times have you been that?!
Why do we need to ask someone if they trust us? To me it sounds a bit needy - or even a bit duplicitous. As in, I'll ask you if you trust me because in doing that I'm implying that you have no reason not to.
I am deeply uncomfortable with the concept of Do you trust me
- do you trust me when I say I'm going out with the girls and we're going dancing
- do you trust me when I am off on a rugby weekend
- do you trust me when I say that there is no-one but you
- do you trust me when I share my past with you and it sounds a bit improbably
Do you trust me? Seriously why would someone even need to ask that? Surely if there's been a DTR* conversation it's a given that there''s got to be some trust?
I find this trust thing a bit weird. Shouldn't you be able to '"do trust"" without saying it? or without asking? And yes we all feel the need to define it, and be reassured.
Or does the very fact that I am even having to discuss this mean that I have trust issues?
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