because you're worth it

I have been reading some fairly well known ''dating'' blogs lately, including
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ and http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/.  Both  of these are pretty much vehicles for the writers to sell their books and coaching, but both also have quite interesting blogs and forums.

The thing that completely astounds me is how many people are out there feeling ripped off by their past dating and relationship experiences.  I accept that these kind of forums are where people gather, and so of course this is the main focus of the conversation.  I accept that they will also then include a fair number of bitter and twisted stories - and plenty of generalisations.  But even taking that into account there are some recurrent themes that seem to be emerging.

- those re-entering the dating world after a long relationship/marriage discover that things have changed dramatically in the ensuring years.  heck, the word dating didn't even exist outside of Sweet Valley High books when I was young!
- the older we get the more baggage we have, and the more desperate we are to get it packed up and stowed (not always successfully)
- internet dating and it's candy-shop mentality has not helped make meeting people easier, its lulled too many people into thinking there's a world of choice and opportunity, if only they keep at it
- too many people will put up with too much rubbish in the name of wanting to be ''happy''. both men and women are guilty of this
- it's actually not that cool to admit right off the bat that you're looking for a real relationship - the implication is that you are needy/desperate/lonely.   I say, since when? I thought human beings needed each other?
- by ignoring the reality that by midlife (in particular) most of us HAVE made some spectacular relationship mistakes, its all too easy to have completely unrealistic expectations of the next person

But by far and away the loudest message I hear as i read through the forums, is this:
As long as women (and men) are prepared to put up with poor behaviour, disrespect, unkindness, or a lack of integrity,  nothing will change.

I believe all of us are worthy of a good, strong, healthy relationship.  And too many are continuing to accept less that that.

So the lesson in all of this for me, is to decide what I will, and won't accept - and stick to it.

relationship fallacies part one: it's too hard

I've certainly been given my share of excuses as to why someone didn't want a relationship with me, and I've blogged about that on a number of occasions.

I'm the first to agree that it can be scary getting into something new.


Past baggage sure can get in the way and throw itself off the luggage rack at the most inopportune moments!   The things that are button pushers for one may not even be a consideration for the other.  The expectations of one might be quite different to the other.  The energy levels, degree of commitment, extraneous life issues, all could potentially cause problems challenges.

But here's the thing:
What if, instead of saying ''it's all too hard to be in a relationship with you'' we could simply do it anyway, and worry about that stuff once you're there?

Absolutely have a plan (a strategy and a preferred outcome!), but I think much like taking on an employee, or starting a business, or trying a new hobby - it starts with the will to make it happen and the belief that ultimately, it is a good decision.

My argument here is that BEING in a relationship - whether it's a romantic one, a friendship, a work partnership - probably is hard.  All the things up there will apply at some point or another.  But GETTING into a relationship shouldn't be.  Simply put, you either want it, or you don't.  Working on the theory that you do (that you are assuming success, however that might look down the track), gives both people the freedom to be themselves, and spend their energy on finding solutions and outcomes, rather than focusing on the obstacles and potential failure points.

So it follows then, to me anyway, that the person who says ''I don't want to be in a relationship'' probably means with you, because if you want it, you make it happen and then worry about the detail later.

True? False? Idealistic?

goalsetting and the single girl

I was asked an interesting question yesterday:
If your life was a business, what are your KPI's?
I know what my response was but I'm asking you - is this easy to answer in the first instance? For most of us its things like a stable family, a nice house, a good career, great friends, some interesting things to do in my spare time, good health.
In fact you could probably argue that the only KPI not being met (and I'm assuming that because you're reading the blog of a single person) is that you're not dating, or  in a relationship. Which in the scale of things might seem rather selfish and unimportant.
Except that, just like in a business, if you're meeting - no, exceeding, most of your KPI's then the one that seems to be the most important , or at least the one that gets the most attention, is the one that isn't being met. 
Right now I'll re-iterate my belief:  humans are made to be connected.  Single might be for a season, but I truly believe that we are designed to be in partnership.  And so i make no apologies in stating that being in a relationship is a ''KPI'' for most of the singles I know - even if they aren't admitting it out loud.

And then the next question came:
and so what can someone do to make that target then?
Well, that left me a bit nonplussed.  I seriously don't think many of us can do much more.  Or much differently.  think of all the things that every other dating book website and blog, and happily coupled friend tells us we should do - to focus on being a better person, rather than with the goal of finding a relationship.  I completely agree with that.  They tell me I should go where I can meet new people, that I should keep learning and reading, remind me I should put effort into my appearance, health and fitness.  Primarily because these things make me a better person, but there are occasionally hidden bonuses:).  I'm told that if I'm ever asked out, I should go, willingly and with an open mind.  I'm cautioned and reminded not to date to ''type''.

I listen to some of that advice,  I even act on some of it.   And so on and  so on.  And I am the first to agree that the uncoupled should be doing this stuff.  Even if you're happy being single.

But as far as i can tell, the reality is, that no matter how much you DO, no matter how open you are to opportunity, and no matter how focused you are on achieving an outcome, this is one KPI that owes at least half of its outcome to other stakeholders.

I think it's probably a good idea to be clear with the stakeholders about your goals - and what your expectations are of them.   But it might mean accepting that this particular KPI might take rather longer to achieve - and that it's likely to be on someone Else's time frame.