This week I have spent time with several couples all at different stages of their repartnered life.
One couple have been together more than 30 years, another around 15 years and the other are is only just heading into their third year together.
The newly repartnered ones have a complex situation - between them and their own exes there are about 9 kids, aged between 6 and 16. They now face the challenges of trying to blend (isn't it more like a hurricane than a blend!) everyone into a new life. There's houses to find (can you even imagine how many bedrooms and bathrooms they need!), personalities to co-ordinate and budgets to negotiate.
I think thirty years ago, maybe even 15, there was no where near the amount of ruminating and evaluation in the decision to repartner that there is now. Back then, if you found yourself in the unfortunate position of being post- partnered, and were lucky enough to meet someone else, you just got on with it. I'm pretty sure that people in my parents generation didn't spend much time on asking questions of themselves like ''but am I happy?', Will this relationship fulfill my needs? Where is my identity in this? Am I compromising too much? But how will we make it work? It wasn't even a ''love will conquer all'' mindset - it was just a sense of gratitude that you were able to find another person to do life with, and a belief that because you'd got a second chance, it would work out for the best (or you'd die trying).
On the other hand, since the natural order of things is to be in a relationship, I think modern society has made it easier, and more acceptable to repartner more than once, more than twice. And the statistics are grim for second time around. About a 20% success rate apparantly.
There's whole websites dedicated to making us thinking about, and worrying about whether or not we're happy in our relationships and whether they are succesful or not. And then leading us to the conclusion that if we're not, it must be the relationship that is the issue. We made the wrong choice. We sacrificed too much. We are not being honest with ourselves, or being authentic or whatever, because if we were, we'd be just so happy and the relationship would be unfolding beautifully in front of us, the wrongs of previously liasons but hazy memories, and the mistakes we made in the ''first time round'' no longer likelihoods. And it's not our fault. It's just life. It's just relationships that have no guarantees. We did the best we could right?
Good grief, what a total load of shite that all is. On so many levels. Of course people make us happy or unhappy. Or course if you feel miserable in a relationship you're going to want out. And of course there's a 99.9% chance it's not the person (or the relationship) that is the cause of the unhappiness - it's all about what's going on in the inside don't you know... (Actually there's probably some truth to that but that's not my point here)
My question today is this - who is better off? The generation ago couple who 'got on with it', or the generation now couple who get out before it turns ugly? The person who compromises or the one who 'suffers in silence'. The one who thinks 'thank God I'm not single' or the one who looks in and thinks 'thank God I am'. I don't know. But this I do know:
Too much navel gazing. Too much reading. And way too much time paying attention to the fairy tales that fill the internet.
Showing posts with label repartnering. Show all posts
Showing posts with label repartnering. Show all posts
Gasping for air ( my response to yesterdays guest post)
It's amazing how your life can be literally turned on it's head with barely a moment's notice...(a bit like a traffic accident really....)
After I read the guest post yesterday, I was struck by a sense not only of deja vous (for surely if it wasn't for a few traffic incidents this blog wouldn't even be in existence) but also the stark reality that is this: for most people who are post-coupled, they're going to end up under more than one bus.
Back when my parents separated in the early 70s - about the time that divorce was fairly uncommon, the usual scenario was that people would separate and then within a couple or three years, repartner and then remain with that person for good. My parents have each been remarried 35 years or more, and the majority of the friends in similar situations then are the same. Certainly they were younger, closer to 30 than 40, and the principal of being ''not yet fully formed adults'' perhaps made it easier to grow together than it does when you're in your 40s or 50's (more on this here)
But certainly my experiences over the past 6 years seem to be that recoupling and staying recoupled is a rarer and rarer occurrence. And I can't figure out why. Is it that all this self-awareness we have makes us choosier? That we feel a right or expectation of perfection and when it doesn't materialise after 6 months, or a year, or more, that we start looking elsewhere? Is it that people are simply more damaged now and haven't ''got their shit together'' enough to actual form healthy relationships? Are we too hasty, too slow, too picky, not picky enough, over committed, under committed? Is it cos there's just so much darn choice out there now, with so many more singles, that its impossible to just be happy with what we have? We say we will not settle for anything less than perfect...that we have paid prices, done the work, learned lessons.
Is life just a whole lot more complex now? Back then it was an expectation that there'd be not much money, a bunch of extra kids, and a whole heap of sacrifice. My parents bedded in for the long haul from day one. There simply was no ''let's see''. And I suspect very few even considered their ''personal needs'', they just got on with recoupling. I'm not saying that's necessarily a good thing, but since nowadays we add in adventure, better assets, couple time, alone time, chemistry, shared interests, common friends, obliging blended families, our own feelings of rights and 'what we deserves' - expectations are a whole lot bigger.
And so the bus metaphor. We end up being 'thrown under the bus''. And mostly, we get up, and have a go at catching another bus.
And there's another thing - once you have managed to get out from under a bus, and all the visible cuts and abrasions have healed, it can be months...years...and another bus will race past you and the fumes will remind you of times past. And of course, the seemingly healed injuries might only show themselves when you decide to climb on board again - or worse when you find yourself under another one. And as long as you keep getting up again, there's a risk of an accident. And if you don't understand, or worse, ignore the road rules, it's almost a given that you're going to get run over again.
I'm pretty sure that the buses that have had the misfortune to collide with someone probably have a few dents as a result. But they too, bravely trundle on, sometimes getting the damage repaired, and sometimes doing a bog job and hoping for the best.
Some days I'd like to write a letter of complaint. Because stand up again I do. And each time I stand up and look around I am struck by this: I don't want to be run over again. (I don't think anyone does). It feckin hurts!!! .
The older I become, the fewer buses seem to be travelling the route that I want to take. And it seems the less chance there seems to be that one will want to stop and take me to it's final destination. I can only hope that I haven't missed the bus altogether.
After I read the guest post yesterday, I was struck by a sense not only of deja vous (for surely if it wasn't for a few traffic incidents this blog wouldn't even be in existence) but also the stark reality that is this: for most people who are post-coupled, they're going to end up under more than one bus.
Back when my parents separated in the early 70s - about the time that divorce was fairly uncommon, the usual scenario was that people would separate and then within a couple or three years, repartner and then remain with that person for good. My parents have each been remarried 35 years or more, and the majority of the friends in similar situations then are the same. Certainly they were younger, closer to 30 than 40, and the principal of being ''not yet fully formed adults'' perhaps made it easier to grow together than it does when you're in your 40s or 50's (more on this here)
But certainly my experiences over the past 6 years seem to be that recoupling and staying recoupled is a rarer and rarer occurrence. And I can't figure out why. Is it that all this self-awareness we have makes us choosier? That we feel a right or expectation of perfection and when it doesn't materialise after 6 months, or a year, or more, that we start looking elsewhere? Is it that people are simply more damaged now and haven't ''got their shit together'' enough to actual form healthy relationships? Are we too hasty, too slow, too picky, not picky enough, over committed, under committed? Is it cos there's just so much darn choice out there now, with so many more singles, that its impossible to just be happy with what we have? We say we will not settle for anything less than perfect...that we have paid prices, done the work, learned lessons.
Is life just a whole lot more complex now? Back then it was an expectation that there'd be not much money, a bunch of extra kids, and a whole heap of sacrifice. My parents bedded in for the long haul from day one. There simply was no ''let's see''. And I suspect very few even considered their ''personal needs'', they just got on with recoupling. I'm not saying that's necessarily a good thing, but since nowadays we add in adventure, better assets, couple time, alone time, chemistry, shared interests, common friends, obliging blended families, our own feelings of rights and 'what we deserves' - expectations are a whole lot bigger.
And so the bus metaphor. We end up being 'thrown under the bus''. And mostly, we get up, and have a go at catching another bus.
And there's another thing - once you have managed to get out from under a bus, and all the visible cuts and abrasions have healed, it can be months...years...and another bus will race past you and the fumes will remind you of times past. And of course, the seemingly healed injuries might only show themselves when you decide to climb on board again - or worse when you find yourself under another one. And as long as you keep getting up again, there's a risk of an accident. And if you don't understand, or worse, ignore the road rules, it's almost a given that you're going to get run over again.
I'm pretty sure that the buses that have had the misfortune to collide with someone probably have a few dents as a result. But they too, bravely trundle on, sometimes getting the damage repaired, and sometimes doing a bog job and hoping for the best.
Some days I'd like to write a letter of complaint. Because stand up again I do. And each time I stand up and look around I am struck by this: I don't want to be run over again. (I don't think anyone does). It feckin hurts!!! .
The older I become, the fewer buses seem to be travelling the route that I want to take. And it seems the less chance there seems to be that one will want to stop and take me to it's final destination. I can only hope that I haven't missed the bus altogether.
the horrifying magnification provided by a second pair of eyes and how it can spur action
After 6 years of sole parenting, I'd like to think I've got it sussed. And I do. Mostly. Some of the time. Occasionally.
The same things grind me down each day (no doubt the same things that grind down every parent, sole or not actually but that's beside the point). Bath times. Bedtimes. Getting up times. Homework times. Meal times. Chore times.
I find myself, MOST times, ''getting through''. Usually with too much cajoling, often too much whining (theirs) and grizzling (mine) and, I'm somewhat ashamed to admit, too often with rather more temper testing than I would prefer.
But get through we do. The children leave the house fed and dressed, with homework done. Their rooms are clean and tidy. Bedtimes...well that's another story for another day...but mainly they are in bed before I am. Yet still...I yearn for calmer routine. Less of me growling, less of them resisting my requests.
I get through, and put up with more than I probably should, mainly because I'm the only adult in the house. Most of the time, there's no one here to a/ back me up, b/ take over or c/tell me off give me better ideas, for how I'm directing the traffic. It's only when there IS another adult nearby that my shortcomings as the grownup in the house get thrown into sharp relief and I face the gruesome reality of how stressed I can become at those crucial mealtime/bedtime/cleaning time-poor moments.
I've put a few things in place as a result of some previous highlighted moments...and I'll admit its a continual learning curve. FDH used to (actually no, not used to, STILL DOES) tell me that the reason there is stress in my house is because I am as bad as the kids: I answer back, raise my voice, get grumpy and generally can be disagreeable when things aren't going they way I want them to. Well, yes, that's probably true actually - but heck, I'm the grown up here - sure I shouldn't have to do all those things in the first place (yeah yeah I GET that) but I reckon if anyone should be allowed to get iffy, it should be me.
So what to do? This morning it happened again. Son was being particularly uncooperative. Daughter was compliant enough but grimly enjoying co-parenting son with me (by way of echoing barked instructions and being generally bossy). Which results in squabbling. Which results in me grizzling some more. and so on. And so on. You get the picture.
Ordinarily I'd GET THROUGH but today, I had my young man here (a rare occurrence mid week) , and with a second pair of eyes on the scene I realised just how inadequate my morning routine was, (I really didn't think it was until now...), and how ineffective my parenting style could be. Am I being hard on myself? Yes, probably. But when I found myself mid-rant, and wishing I could wind the clock back and hour to start the day again, I knew something was gonna give.
It's a bit shaming. Embarrassing. AWKWARD!!!! But I happen to quite like having that other set of eyes around the place...so some more things are going to have to change. And it's probably going to be easier to change my own actions and attitudes than than change my kids.
So, because I believe that writing things down makes them more likely to happen - and because I'm going to be printing the list out and putting it on the fridge, our new morning rules include:
- The TV does not, under any circumstances, get turned on before school
- Children are to be fully dressed before coming out of their bedroom
- Breakfast is compulsory if you are a minor and must be eaten at the table
- Tooth brushing is also compulsory before leaving the house
I'm hopeful that these four simple rules might make for a calmer weekday morning. They have all been in place before but somehow get muddied...or something...and the end result is me nagging repeatedly - and it must be said, ineffectively, for action.
Time will tell.
The same things grind me down each day (no doubt the same things that grind down every parent, sole or not actually but that's beside the point). Bath times. Bedtimes. Getting up times. Homework times. Meal times. Chore times.
I find myself, MOST times, ''getting through''. Usually with too much cajoling, often too much whining (theirs) and grizzling (mine) and, I'm somewhat ashamed to admit, too often with rather more temper testing than I would prefer.
But get through we do. The children leave the house fed and dressed, with homework done. Their rooms are clean and tidy. Bedtimes...well that's another story for another day...but mainly they are in bed before I am. Yet still...I yearn for calmer routine. Less of me growling, less of them resisting my requests.
I get through, and put up with more than I probably should, mainly because I'm the only adult in the house. Most of the time, there's no one here to a/ back me up, b/ take over or c/
I've put a few things in place as a result of some previous highlighted moments...and I'll admit its a continual learning curve. FDH used to (actually no, not used to, STILL DOES) tell me that the reason there is stress in my house is because I am as bad as the kids: I answer back, raise my voice, get grumpy and generally can be disagreeable when things aren't going they way I want them to. Well, yes, that's probably true actually - but heck, I'm the grown up here - sure I shouldn't have to do all those things in the first place (yeah yeah I GET that) but I reckon if anyone should be allowed to get iffy, it should be me.
So what to do? This morning it happened again. Son was being particularly uncooperative. Daughter was compliant enough but grimly enjoying co-parenting son with me (by way of echoing barked instructions and being generally bossy). Which results in squabbling. Which results in me grizzling some more. and so on. And so on. You get the picture.
Ordinarily I'd GET THROUGH but today, I had my young man here (a rare occurrence mid week) , and with a second pair of eyes on the scene I realised just how inadequate my morning routine was, (I really didn't think it was until now...), and how ineffective my parenting style could be. Am I being hard on myself? Yes, probably. But when I found myself mid-rant, and wishing I could wind the clock back and hour to start the day again, I knew something was gonna give.
It's a bit shaming. Embarrassing. AWKWARD!!!! But I happen to quite like having that other set of eyes around the place...so some more things are going to have to change. And it's probably going to be easier to change my own actions and attitudes than than change my kids.
So, because I believe that writing things down makes them more likely to happen - and because I'm going to be printing the list out and putting it on the fridge, our new morning rules include:
- The TV does not, under any circumstances, get turned on before school
- Children are to be fully dressed before coming out of their bedroom
- Breakfast is compulsory if you are a minor and must be eaten at the table
- Tooth brushing is also compulsory before leaving the house
I'm hopeful that these four simple rules might make for a calmer weekday morning. They have all been in place before but somehow get muddied...or something...and the end result is me nagging repeatedly - and it must be said, ineffectively, for action.
Time will tell.
Together apart
Gee, there's lots of pressure on couples these days to start cohabitation. To make a stand for permanent commitment. To provide status updates to interested parties. Questions come from almost day one and gain intensity with every passing month.
The reality is for many that the combining of lives is really not that simple...It was, back in the day of one person and a suitcase. But in the case of the re partnered there's so many other considerations that the romantic notions of ''just move in!'' can be overshadowed by the realities of what that actually entails. So it's usually a far greater decision to be made, the more people/mortgages/pets/kids are involved no matter how appealing the idea of sharing space might be.
In fact I'd argue there's probably a certain ease in maintaining two households - essentially living separate lives for part of the week and then coming together to enjoy a paired life just some of the time. It's not the norm, and it raises eyebrows. Apparently it implies some kind of lack of commitment. I'd argue differently. Surely there's more commitment in saying ''let's take time, this is working OK now - we're here for the long term even if we don't know what that might look like'' than to leap into shared accommodations when the timing isn't quite right just because it appears to be the next logical step - or the most convenient option.
Two friends of mine have been doing this for coming on three years - it probably won't be for ever, but for now, with the commitments they each have to their own careers, houses, families and interests, it works. It's not a part time relationship - emotionally they are committed to each other for keeps - but yes, the ability to blend their lives, is, for now less than full time.
It seems to me that in some ways it's the best of both worlds - each person gets to pursue the things they want to alone but still enjoy each other in a far less pressured environment than the re partnered/blended family usually affords. It might be for a short time, it might be long term, but as long as both are happy with the arrangement, then I say it's a win win.
The reality is for many that the combining of lives is really not that simple...It was, back in the day of one person and a suitcase. But in the case of the re partnered there's so many other considerations that the romantic notions of ''just move in!'' can be overshadowed by the realities of what that actually entails. So it's usually a far greater decision to be made, the more people/mortgages/pets/kids are involved no matter how appealing the idea of sharing space might be.
In fact I'd argue there's probably a certain ease in maintaining two households - essentially living separate lives for part of the week and then coming together to enjoy a paired life just some of the time. It's not the norm, and it raises eyebrows. Apparently it implies some kind of lack of commitment. I'd argue differently. Surely there's more commitment in saying ''let's take time, this is working OK now - we're here for the long term even if we don't know what that might look like'' than to leap into shared accommodations when the timing isn't quite right just because it appears to be the next logical step - or the most convenient option.
Two friends of mine have been doing this for coming on three years - it probably won't be for ever, but for now, with the commitments they each have to their own careers, houses, families and interests, it works. It's not a part time relationship - emotionally they are committed to each other for keeps - but yes, the ability to blend their lives, is, for now less than full time.
It seems to me that in some ways it's the best of both worlds - each person gets to pursue the things they want to alone but still enjoy each other in a far less pressured environment than the re partnered/blended family usually affords. It might be for a short time, it might be long term, but as long as both are happy with the arrangement, then I say it's a win win.
the breaking and mending of hearts
July is a momentous month for me. In fact pretty much all of the major things that have happened to me (other than the birth of my kids) have happened in July. This July marks 5 years of me being a single parent, and one year of being re partnered.
We have a tradition in this house of story telling. I tell a story, or the children do, changing names ''to protect the innocent'' but based on real life events in our lives. Often they are bed time stories, detailing humour events in the kids lives. It's become a way of processing for the children -sometimes they will talk through family events like the changes in our family makeup and dynamics.
Tonight my son (7) wanted to tell the story - it was about a mum and a dad who were happy with one child but then they broke up and another one was born. It didn't happen like that at all in real life, by the way, but this was the way the story went. He told it quite matter of factly, and took delight in creating a story with names for the parents and children, and other changed details. And even though for him it is just a story - and simply a way to prolong bedtime, these stories still are, and maybe always will be, bittersweet for me.
As I have mentioned before I am fortunate to have a relatively good relationship with the father of my children. They see people who get along together. Not that this is always such a good thing - many days I have been challenged by them -''if you get on so well how come you aren't together?'' Or, more recently, by my 10 year old ''how come you get on so well - divorced people are meant to hate each other aren't they?".
No, I am not one of those people who say ''I wouldn't change a thing''. I am not one of those people who say ''I should never have married/had children with that person''. And I am not one of those people that says ''I'm glad how things turned out''.
But, I AM a person who can say, I am so lucky that the circumstances that have got me to this place in my life have made it turn out so well. I can say, with a lighter heart than the sadness of uncoupling initially allows, that five years on from that first nightmarish week of single parenting, I find myself in a happy, hopeful and promise filled place.
We have a tradition in this house of story telling. I tell a story, or the children do, changing names ''to protect the innocent'' but based on real life events in our lives. Often they are bed time stories, detailing humour events in the kids lives. It's become a way of processing for the children -sometimes they will talk through family events like the changes in our family makeup and dynamics.
Tonight my son (7) wanted to tell the story - it was about a mum and a dad who were happy with one child but then they broke up and another one was born. It didn't happen like that at all in real life, by the way, but this was the way the story went. He told it quite matter of factly, and took delight in creating a story with names for the parents and children, and other changed details. And even though for him it is just a story - and simply a way to prolong bedtime, these stories still are, and maybe always will be, bittersweet for me.
As I have mentioned before I am fortunate to have a relatively good relationship with the father of my children. They see people who get along together. Not that this is always such a good thing - many days I have been challenged by them -''if you get on so well how come you aren't together?'' Or, more recently, by my 10 year old ''how come you get on so well - divorced people are meant to hate each other aren't they?".
No, I am not one of those people who say ''I wouldn't change a thing''. I am not one of those people who say ''I should never have married/had children with that person''. And I am not one of those people that says ''I'm glad how things turned out''.
But, I AM a person who can say, I am so lucky that the circumstances that have got me to this place in my life have made it turn out so well. I can say, with a lighter heart than the sadness of uncoupling initially allows, that five years on from that first nightmarish week of single parenting, I find myself in a happy, hopeful and promise filled place.
the lure of freedom
Ah singledom you're a slippery slope alright.
Had cause to have a discussion with a long singled friend recently who has got right in the swing of ''what you like when you like''. No partner asking when you're home for dinner. No kids demanding attention at 5 pm. Weekends are long and uneventful, or busy and exciting, depending on...well nothing really. Money - all for one. Fridge contents - whatever the heck I want, thank you very much!
I wonder if the novelty ever wears off. Does it get more difficult to compromise for a significant other, the longer you don't have one? Does the ability to share eventually disappear?
I am the first to admit that it is, on one horribly selfish level, sometimes easier to live alone. (Or with children as I do). There isn't someone to have to share decisions with, negotiate chores with, or cook for. On the other hand, there's no one to share decisions with, negotiate chores with, or cook for. I've got in the groove of it (5 years now) but it life still feels a bit off-balance. Even doing it part time is not the same as a permanent in my house partner.
I'm under no illusions, should and when the time comes, there's adjusting to do. I'm a little scared of it, but mostly see it as exciting and forward thinking. Ultimately, I'm with my original statement from one of my very first posts - that we human doings are not designed to be alone.
So how about the person who is? Is singledom, for some, a conscious choice, a move toward the act of total non-compromise? Does it become more, or less, attractive, the longer you are in it?
Your thoughts?
Had cause to have a discussion with a long singled friend recently who has got right in the swing of ''what you like when you like''. No partner asking when you're home for dinner. No kids demanding attention at 5 pm. Weekends are long and uneventful, or busy and exciting, depending on...well nothing really. Money - all for one. Fridge contents - whatever the heck I want, thank you very much!
I wonder if the novelty ever wears off. Does it get more difficult to compromise for a significant other, the longer you don't have one? Does the ability to share eventually disappear?
I am the first to admit that it is, on one horribly selfish level, sometimes easier to live alone. (Or with children as I do). There isn't someone to have to share decisions with, negotiate chores with, or cook for. On the other hand, there's no one to share decisions with, negotiate chores with, or cook for. I've got in the groove of it (5 years now) but it life still feels a bit off-balance. Even doing it part time is not the same as a permanent in my house partner.
I'm under no illusions, should and when the time comes, there's adjusting to do. I'm a little scared of it, but mostly see it as exciting and forward thinking. Ultimately, I'm with my original statement from one of my very first posts - that we human doings are not designed to be alone.
So how about the person who is? Is singledom, for some, a conscious choice, a move toward the act of total non-compromise? Does it become more, or less, attractive, the longer you are in it?
Your thoughts?
the no more tears formula
Yesterday I went to a wedding. The truth is I didnt' actually want to go. Not because I didn't wish the happy couple every good thing, but because of the reasons I wrote about back at
here
So it was with more than a little trepidation that I got my fancy dress on and drove two hours in the pouring rain (OK so I wasn't actually the one doing the driving but still) to go and see a couple I barely know get hitched. This was my also to be my first experience of a ''second time around for both'' wedding amongst my peers - the last having been when I was a child and my parents friends were all re partnering.
The wedding was held in a small marquee at a friends house, in fact the place these two had met just a year before. The bride wore red, the groom wore a kilt. All the invited guests were asked to declare their blessing on the marriage. There were friends old and new, children and grandchildren of the happy couple. The vows were spontaneous and delightful (him) and incredibly heartfelt (her). The readings were agnostic and humorous but clearly chosen with them both in mind. The service lasted all over 15 minutes and then it was over.
There were no sweeping statements - no denial that both of these people had ''been there before'' - and an acknowledgement of all that had been, whilst still with the feeling of excitement and anticipation that any new marriage should have.
It was lovely. It was real. It made me believe in happy ever after.
And I didn't cry a single tear.
here
So it was with more than a little trepidation that I got my fancy dress on and drove two hours in the pouring rain (OK so I wasn't actually the one doing the driving but still) to go and see a couple I barely know get hitched. This was my also to be my first experience of a ''second time around for both'' wedding amongst my peers - the last having been when I was a child and my parents friends were all re partnering.
The wedding was held in a small marquee at a friends house, in fact the place these two had met just a year before. The bride wore red, the groom wore a kilt. All the invited guests were asked to declare their blessing on the marriage. There were friends old and new, children and grandchildren of the happy couple. The vows were spontaneous and delightful (him) and incredibly heartfelt (her). The readings were agnostic and humorous but clearly chosen with them both in mind. The service lasted all over 15 minutes and then it was over.
There were no sweeping statements - no denial that both of these people had ''been there before'' - and an acknowledgement of all that had been, whilst still with the feeling of excitement and anticipation that any new marriage should have.
It was lovely. It was real. It made me believe in happy ever after.
And I didn't cry a single tear.
forming storming norming
There's a commonly known business model, first developed back in the 1960's, which describes the process that a team goes through to become effective - storming norming performing et al has been evolved to include a few extra rhyming words but essentially talks about the teething problems, ''getting to know you' stage, boundary setting, and (hopefully) fully formed and healthy state a team can get into.
There's been some jokes around my house recently that the same model could be applied to personal relationships. I'm not quite sure which bit I'm sitting in at the moment - in fact I'd argue that its a fairly fluid model (much like the grief process, it can be two steps forward and one back some times!), but when I found myself using the ''royal we'' a few days ago it did highlight to me that maybe there's less forming and storming going on and maybe a gentle incline (sounds better than decline!) into norming and performing.
I've read loads of stuff about the process of re partnering. I'm the first to admit that the are a lot of potential challenges, and its as much about the rest of each persons team as it is about themselves - kids, extended family, friends, work, interests - there's a heck of a lot to negotiate and learn about. For me, so far so good - or should I say, for us, and whilst the forming and storming is a lot of fun, I'm also looking forward to settling into the new way of normal that I have talked about here before.
Interestingly on the link above there's two extra stages - Dorming and Adjourning. My guess is that this is probably more relevant to a time bound project, but it certainly highlights the need to remain focused on the well being of the ''team'' in order to avoid complacency (surely one of the death knolls for any relationship) and also to remain vigilant to the potential challenges and pitfalls that can trip up even the most committed of partners.
If you're in a new relationship, or even one that's not so new, where do you think you might fit on this continuum?
There's been some jokes around my house recently that the same model could be applied to personal relationships. I'm not quite sure which bit I'm sitting in at the moment - in fact I'd argue that its a fairly fluid model (much like the grief process, it can be two steps forward and one back some times!), but when I found myself using the ''royal we'' a few days ago it did highlight to me that maybe there's less forming and storming going on and maybe a gentle incline (sounds better than decline!) into norming and performing.
I've read loads of stuff about the process of re partnering. I'm the first to admit that the are a lot of potential challenges, and its as much about the rest of each persons team as it is about themselves - kids, extended family, friends, work, interests - there's a heck of a lot to negotiate and learn about. For me, so far so good - or should I say, for us, and whilst the forming and storming is a lot of fun, I'm also looking forward to settling into the new way of normal that I have talked about here before.
Interestingly on the link above there's two extra stages - Dorming and Adjourning. My guess is that this is probably more relevant to a time bound project, but it certainly highlights the need to remain focused on the well being of the ''team'' in order to avoid complacency (surely one of the death knolls for any relationship) and also to remain vigilant to the potential challenges and pitfalls that can trip up even the most committed of partners.
If you're in a new relationship, or even one that's not so new, where do you think you might fit on this continuum?
patience is a virtue
Today marks 90 days since the most amazing person came into my life. It was a fluke, if you're a skeptic, and the result of an amazing course of events set in motion long ago, if you're not.
There's been some pretty big highs and lows already - nothing normal and yet all things one might expect in the ebbs and flows of life. Re partnering so far has been easy, with the waves of effect of others seemingly whirling about us with a minimum of hard impact.
Its a romanticised view, some would say, and so early in the piece, rather unrealistic to be considering this as a smooth and easy path. There's some truth to that, but I stay true to my belief that the essence of a relationship should be easy even if the details of life are not (more about that here).
Which on occasion makes it all the more difficult not to rush headlong and tip the world on its side, just because it seems like the most logical path - and the most desirable.
There's days and days ahead that will require negotiation and planning, and plenty more that (I hope) will unfold easily and naturally. Today, I'm reminding myself that its time to be patient.
There's been some pretty big highs and lows already - nothing normal and yet all things one might expect in the ebbs and flows of life. Re partnering so far has been easy, with the waves of effect of others seemingly whirling about us with a minimum of hard impact.
Its a romanticised view, some would say, and so early in the piece, rather unrealistic to be considering this as a smooth and easy path. There's some truth to that, but I stay true to my belief that the essence of a relationship should be easy even if the details of life are not (more about that here).
Which on occasion makes it all the more difficult not to rush headlong and tip the world on its side, just because it seems like the most logical path - and the most desirable.
There's days and days ahead that will require negotiation and planning, and plenty more that (I hope) will unfold easily and naturally. Today, I'm reminding myself that its time to be patient.
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