Discussions recently have, of course, focused on the nuttiness that seems to go hand in hand with Christmas when you're single/re partnered/post coupled.

For every story I hear, there's yet another stupid example of the frailty of humans and our (apparent) lack of ability to 'move on', 'get over it' and 'embrace the season of goodwill'.

It makes me very sad to hear of children who have to have a change over in well lit public places , or parents who split up the day with military operation to ensure everyone gets 'their share' of the Day.  Families who don't speak to each other grieve me even more - and that includes factions of my own.

I'm all for escaping if that's what you want to do. Christmas in a small nuclear family, or spent alone, if that's your choice - go for it, I say - but be honest about it.  Make it your choice. And don't be making everyone else feel bad because of it.

Frankly it makes me want to run away and avoid Christmas (or any other event that will require blended families to pretend to all like each other) altogether.  Except that in mine, other than for one or two people, it works fine.  Christmas morning is always spent at my house with my kids, and their Dad, who invariably ends up making breakfast in my kitchen.  Lunch with one part of the family, and dinner with another part, and usually involving at least three or four mutations of the blended family at each event.

Yes, it's possible.  It still absolutely sucks, because even after 40 years, there's still a small girl in me that would like to have Christmas with my actual Mum and Dad - and for my kids to have the same.  I'd be lying if I said I was completely fine with how life has turned out, but there's no point in dwelling, nor continuing to rehash a past that few can remember properly anyway -so it becomes a wee hurt that gets pulled out and inspected for a few days a month, and then put away with the thankfulness of spirit that allows me (and my kids) to move freely between parents, step parents, currents and exes, and everything in between.

On a slightly related note, 

Tonight I spoke to my 'host mum' from when I was an exchange student 30 Christmases ago.  I'm hoping she'll come and visit again soon.  It's one of those amazing friendships that picks up each year where it left even if it's a year between conversations. And there was much news to share. 

I was asked recently, by someone I'd not heard from in quite a long time, how life was, and what was new for me. I answered in a non committal, played down way - no, no news, and no nothing new. Life goes on. Busy busy. Insert cliche here.

Later, I was bemused at myself...why did I do that?  I had loads of news, almost all good and much worth sharing.  But at the time, I was mid pre-Christmas hooha (as above) and sadly, this overshadowed the rest.  So as I sit here, late on Christmas Eve, I am able to not only breathe in and out, and look forward to the day tomorrow (although it's very weird that tonight the little Engineer has chosen to spend the night with Dad and not here in his own bed - albeit that there's a notice of redirection for Santa on his stocking) - but I am also thinking about all that cool 'news' that makes up life since last Christmas...I'm looking forward to an exciting new job, a new look house, life with a teenager, some new community things I want to get into, some amazing trips away to semi-far flung places, and so it goes on.  

True, life may not have worked out like the fairytale that I think all kids - all people - think they want. But overall, it's pretty good. And the ability of most of the people in my life to be able to put aside their 'stuff' and embrace the season of goodwill, makes this time of year bittersweet, but still something to (MOSTLY::)) look forward to.

Feliz Navidad

I am the product of a blended family.  My parents both remarried when I was quite young and Dad went on to have more children.  The relationship between my birth parents is....strained.  My brother is married and his wife's parents are also divorced.
I separated from my children's father more than 5 years ago and enjoy a fairly good friendship with him, which is mainly for the benefit of the children who are still young.
I re partnered about 18 months ago and he too has children from his marriage although they are almost adults now.

For most of the year, none of this really matters - we all get on with daily lives and cross paths on a normal basis.  Birthdays and other occasions are relatively easy to negotiate without acrimony.

But Christmas. Ah Christmas how you torture us with your call to goodwill and unity!

Every year seems to become more difficult - and with extra partners, children, long standing 'issues'', geographical differences, ageing parents with declining health...good grief...this is not the season to be jolly no matter how much I might want it.  I find myself caught in the middle, the pacifier and yet somehow also the one who is missing out all round.  Of course I want to spend quality time with my family at Christmas time - just as I do at any other time of the year.  but Christmas takes on this extra dimension of pressure, not helped by time constraints, budget challenges, traffic problems and personality clashes.

I know I'm not unique in this.  In fact, when I talk to others, it would seem that the happy-family-who-play-together idea is actually the exception not the rule.  Almost everyone I know is in this same position, of feeling the need to race around on what ought to be the laziest day of the year.  There's an overwhelming sense of duty and pressure that, in ordinary circumstances, we wouldn't dream of putting on each other.

So this year it is different.  I'm staying home for Christmas.  and its going to be the simplest one ever. I hope that my nearest and dearest will all see me and the children, and me, them and theirs.  But it might not actually be on Christmas Day.  And whilst I know for some that is the important bit, for me it isn't - and frankly the thought of packing up the car in the heat (or the rain as is expected) and spending 3 hours of Christmas day driving does nothing for me no matter how much I want to see my family.  For me, it's a season, not a set number of hours.  This year, for the first time ( I think ever) I am spending the whole of Christmas Day at my own house.  I took the kids to church yesterday (where they both starred in the nativity play) so we won't even be racing off to that between breakfast and lunch. I'm yet to decide the menu for the day, but I'm thinking it's going to be pretty simple. There's a minimal number of presents under the tree.  Some, but not all of the decorations strung about the place.

And on Boxing Day my children are going on holiday with their father. Everyone else close to me will be away so it will be just me.  Also for the first time ever.

And so, I too am having a holiday. Possibility away from home. No duties to perform. No responsibilities. Only 5 days, but this is the first break like this I have had for 11 years. And I can't wait.

Happy Christmas.

modern family christmas

For the past three years or so that I have been writing this blog I've talked a lot about my journey of post coupledom, and how my ex husband and I have worked so hard to continue to co-parent effectively and maintain a good level of friendship (which, it turns out, is fairly uncommon in marriage breakups).

It's been incredibly successful, even though occasionally some lines get blurred (I have been known to call on him to mend stuff, and he gets me to help out with his business from time to time).  The downside - if there is one to such a well managed separation - is that one of our children still harbours a belief that eventually Dad is going to come back (he won't be).  And both children consider him part of our immediate family (he is to them of course).

And so Christmas.  He had a ham that needed cooking and I am the one with the big oven, so I spent a few hours in front of a hot stove.  The kids have bikes that need fixing and he has the right tools for the job. Tonight I wanted to take the 10 year old to midnight mass and so he came and babysat the sleeping one.   All very easy, and civilised.  But there was for me a small feeling of disconnect knowing that my SO was in another town, with HIS family, whilst I was here with mine, both present and past.

Tomorrow the children's father will come for breakfast as has become our tradition, and my SO will come and join us for dinner.   Over the next 48 hours or so we will, separately or together, have spent time with exes, step parents, our kids, someone Else's, the whole nine yards of the modern family.

It's a far cry from the way things were when I was young - when people ''took sides'' and separated couples barely exchanged words let alone had a conversation or shared a meal! Yes I know there are still many who suffer thought painful divorces and never become friendly, or friends, with their ex - but I think this is probably the exception these days rather than the rule and thank goodness for that.

The challenge is respecting the space and values of everyone involved, ensuring all feel important and special, but also not forsaking one person for another.