For the past three years or so that I have been writing this blog I've talked a lot about my journey of post coupledom, and how my ex husband and I have worked so hard to continue to co-parent effectively and maintain a good level of friendship (which, it turns out, is fairly uncommon in marriage breakups).
It's been incredibly successful, even though occasionally some lines get blurred (I have been known to call on him to mend stuff, and he gets me to help out with his business from time to time). The downside - if there is one to such a well managed separation - is that one of our children still harbours a belief that eventually Dad is going to come back (he won't be). And both children consider him part of our immediate family (he is to them of course).
And so Christmas. He had a ham that needed cooking and I am the one with the big oven, so I spent a few hours in front of a hot stove. The kids have bikes that need fixing and he has the right tools for the job. Tonight I wanted to take the 10 year old to midnight mass and so he came and babysat the sleeping one. All very easy, and civilised. But there was for me a small feeling of disconnect knowing that my SO was in another town, with HIS family, whilst I was here with mine, both present and past.
Tomorrow the children's father will come for breakfast as has become our tradition, and my SO will come and join us for dinner. Over the next 48 hours or so we will, separately or together, have spent time with exes, step parents, our kids, someone Else's, the whole nine yards of the modern family.
It's a far cry from the way things were when I was young - when people ''took sides'' and separated couples barely exchanged words let alone had a conversation or shared a meal! Yes I know there are still many who suffer thought painful divorces and never become friendly, or friends, with their ex - but I think this is probably the exception these days rather than the rule and thank goodness for that.
The challenge is respecting the space and values of everyone involved, ensuring all feel important and special, but also not forsaking one person for another.
Showing posts with label exes and friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label exes and friendship. Show all posts
a kids perspective on friends and lovers
Today is wet. And so I happily agreed to each child having a friend over to play for the day.
Son ended up going to a mates house and so I have two girls here. On the way back from pickup up the friend (who has not visited before) asked my daughter how many people lived in her house. She explained: me, my mum and my brother. My mum and dad split up a long time ago so he lives in another house, but he comes and visits all the time. This was said in a quite but surprisingly confident voice. The friend nodded sagely as only 10 year olds can. ''My parents are just mates these days'' she said. ''They argue all the TIME and they aren't in love that's for sure''. My daughter looked at her in amazement. ''Do they sleep in different rooms then?". 'No but often Mum sleeps on the couch'' she responded. My daughter looked at her and said ''well my parents don't live in the same house but they NEVER argue any more, AND they are REALLY good friends''.
It was an interesting exchange and reminded me that children see the world in a different way to us. I have no idea how much truth (or reality) was in this girls statements. But as far as she was concerned, arguing meant not in love (in a basic way). As far as my daughter was concerned, it appeared to be almost favourable to have non-arguing parents who liked each other, even if they didn't live in the same house. This is a huge departure for my child who has spent most of the past 4 years yearning for her father and I to reconcile.
I have struggled with this issue so much. My parents didn't even speak to each other (for various and convoluted reasons) for 30 years give or take. My in-laws were the same. My ex husband and I were determined that this life would not be repeated for our children, and have gone out of our way to be beyond civil - to be ''friends''. Which makes parenting 1000% easier, the inevitable family events much more pleasant and the division of property, friends and family a smoother path. But the downside is that the children have found the delineation of our lives more difficult. Children's logic says: if they're not arguing they must be OK. If they can be friends maybe they can be married. When is he coming back.
On the other hand, a strained relationship just makes like harder for everyone but there is unlikely to be any question of reconciliation in the minds of hopeful children.
So to hear my daughter explain her situation, and seem to be rather happier with her own situation than that of her friend was somewhat of a revelation to me.
Baby steps, but maybe this is another one along the path to acceptance.
Son ended up going to a mates house and so I have two girls here. On the way back from pickup up the friend (who has not visited before) asked my daughter how many people lived in her house. She explained: me, my mum and my brother. My mum and dad split up a long time ago so he lives in another house, but he comes and visits all the time. This was said in a quite but surprisingly confident voice. The friend nodded sagely as only 10 year olds can. ''My parents are just mates these days'' she said. ''They argue all the TIME and they aren't in love that's for sure''. My daughter looked at her in amazement. ''Do they sleep in different rooms then?". 'No but often Mum sleeps on the couch'' she responded. My daughter looked at her and said ''well my parents don't live in the same house but they NEVER argue any more, AND they are REALLY good friends''.
It was an interesting exchange and reminded me that children see the world in a different way to us. I have no idea how much truth (or reality) was in this girls statements. But as far as she was concerned, arguing meant not in love (in a basic way). As far as my daughter was concerned, it appeared to be almost favourable to have non-arguing parents who liked each other, even if they didn't live in the same house. This is a huge departure for my child who has spent most of the past 4 years yearning for her father and I to reconcile.
I have struggled with this issue so much. My parents didn't even speak to each other (for various and convoluted reasons) for 30 years give or take. My in-laws were the same. My ex husband and I were determined that this life would not be repeated for our children, and have gone out of our way to be beyond civil - to be ''friends''. Which makes parenting 1000% easier, the inevitable family events much more pleasant and the division of property, friends and family a smoother path. But the downside is that the children have found the delineation of our lives more difficult. Children's logic says: if they're not arguing they must be OK. If they can be friends maybe they can be married. When is he coming back.
On the other hand, a strained relationship just makes like harder for everyone but there is unlikely to be any question of reconciliation in the minds of hopeful children.
So to hear my daughter explain her situation, and seem to be rather happier with her own situation than that of her friend was somewhat of a revelation to me.
Baby steps, but maybe this is another one along the path to acceptance.
BFFs
It's just about a given that when a couple parts ways, one of them will suggest ''we can still be friends''.
It's also pretty common when one is not keen on the other ''in that way'' in a dating situation that they'll suggest ''friends though please (because I think you're terrific....).
I'm feeling curious about this today. I mean, why? Why would you want to be friends with someone you have no romantic interest in? Especially knowing that they might not feel the same way? Take out of this equation the friendships where there has been no likelihood or interest in romantic entanglement by either party - from this platform there is no doubt some fantastic friendships can evolve without that extra ''chemistry'' thing going on in the background.
I understand and certainly appreciate the value of friendship between men and women, and I do think it is possible, even desirable to have friends like this. But my hard earned experience tells me that those friendships don't usually survive the coupling of one of the parties. And neither should it. A guy does not need a ''friend'' quite the same when he has a partner. And a girl is probably going to be a bit uncomfortable about spending time with a single male friend if she's in a relationship.
The first scenario - being friends post relationship - I have blogged about before. I think its possible, but I'm still not convinced it's desirable or necessary.
The second - myself, and other female friends have been in this one SO many times. I've made some awesome male friends as a result too. But sadly, for the most part, once those guys get into a relationship, their friendship with ''the woman friend'' tends to go on the back burner. I know that's the logical path, but it's left me thinking - do I want anymore friends as ''substitute girlfriend'' status?.
Women don't get off Scot free in this either. Plenty of them have guy-friends that certainly with some encouragement would step into boyfriend mode, but there is no desire for this on behalf of the girl - they just ''like their company''.
Is there a real opportunity for singles to get to know each other at a deeper level without the complications of sex (but with the possibility as a backdrop)
Is this fair? Does it matter as long as everyone is clear? Is friendship second best? Do we sometimes agree to friendship in the hope the other will change there mind?
As long as we all are on the same page, then I think there's great potential for good mateship and company here. Sometimes it might progress to more, but the key I think, is to believe that it probably won't. And know that once someone comes along who IS the whole package, your ''friend'' may just disappear of your radar.
ah yes best friends for ever. now.....
It's also pretty common when one is not keen on the other ''in that way'' in a dating situation that they'll suggest ''friends though please (because I think you're terrific....).
I'm feeling curious about this today. I mean, why? Why would you want to be friends with someone you have no romantic interest in? Especially knowing that they might not feel the same way? Take out of this equation the friendships where there has been no likelihood or interest in romantic entanglement by either party - from this platform there is no doubt some fantastic friendships can evolve without that extra ''chemistry'' thing going on in the background.
I understand and certainly appreciate the value of friendship between men and women, and I do think it is possible, even desirable to have friends like this. But my hard earned experience tells me that those friendships don't usually survive the coupling of one of the parties. And neither should it. A guy does not need a ''friend'' quite the same when he has a partner. And a girl is probably going to be a bit uncomfortable about spending time with a single male friend if she's in a relationship.
The first scenario - being friends post relationship - I have blogged about before. I think its possible, but I'm still not convinced it's desirable or necessary.
The second - myself, and other female friends have been in this one SO many times. I've made some awesome male friends as a result too. But sadly, for the most part, once those guys get into a relationship, their friendship with ''the woman friend'' tends to go on the back burner. I know that's the logical path, but it's left me thinking - do I want anymore friends as ''substitute girlfriend'' status?.
Women don't get off Scot free in this either. Plenty of them have guy-friends that certainly with some encouragement would step into boyfriend mode, but there is no desire for this on behalf of the girl - they just ''like their company''.
Is there a real opportunity for singles to get to know each other at a deeper level without the complications of sex (but with the possibility as a backdrop)
Is this fair? Does it matter as long as everyone is clear? Is friendship second best? Do we sometimes agree to friendship in the hope the other will change there mind?
As long as we all are on the same page, then I think there's great potential for good mateship and company here. Sometimes it might progress to more, but the key I think, is to believe that it probably won't. And know that once someone comes along who IS the whole package, your ''friend'' may just disappear of your radar.
ah yes best friends for
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