Gee, there's lots of pressure on couples these days to start cohabitation. To make a stand for permanent commitment. To provide status updates to interested parties. Questions come from almost day one and gain intensity with every passing month.
The reality is for many that the combining of lives is really not that simple...It was, back in the day of one person and a suitcase. But in the case of the re partnered there's so many other considerations that the romantic notions of ''just move in!'' can be overshadowed by the realities of what that actually entails. So it's usually a far greater decision to be made, the more people/mortgages/pets/kids are involved no matter how appealing the idea of sharing space might be.
In fact I'd argue there's probably a certain ease in maintaining two households - essentially living separate lives for part of the week and then coming together to enjoy a paired life just some of the time. It's not the norm, and it raises eyebrows. Apparently it implies some kind of lack of commitment. I'd argue differently. Surely there's more commitment in saying ''let's take time, this is working OK now - we're here for the long term even if we don't know what that might look like'' than to leap into shared accommodations when the timing isn't quite right just because it appears to be the next logical step - or the most convenient option.
Two friends of mine have been doing this for coming on three years - it probably won't be for ever, but for now, with the commitments they each have to their own careers, houses, families and interests, it works. It's not a part time relationship - emotionally they are committed to each other for keeps - but yes, the ability to blend their lives, is, for now less than full time.
It seems to me that in some ways it's the best of both worlds - each person gets to pursue the things they want to alone but still enjoy each other in a far less pressured environment than the re partnered/blended family usually affords. It might be for a short time, it might be long term, but as long as both are happy with the arrangement, then I say it's a win win.
Showing posts with label sharing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sharing. Show all posts
a single circle
Over the past four years I have met some amazing people. And I've ended up with this weird situation of having a ''real life'' that is all about kids and family, and couples, and then a ''part time'' life that is mainly made up of singles.
I've met them on dates, through friends, through their friends. At dancing, at work, at church. Very very few live near me. Some are partnered, some re-partnered, but most aren't. A few are enthusiastically trying out re-partnering, with varying degrees of success. Because they come from different places, they mostly don't know each other. (Although it's kind of scary how close those 6 degrees have got sometimes... ) And they all are keen to make new friends and expand their own social circles. So, bit by bit, I've been introducing them to each other.
It's been fantastic. I love it because now my friends all know each other (or at least are starting to!). They get to meet new people, so they feel good. There's been a couple of romances. Some really amazing friendships. I am stoked.
I try not to think about the circumstances of how I know them. After all, if I - any of them - were still happily (or even unhappily) married, I probably wouldn't have met any of them. And then certainly they would not have met each other. So there's a little bit of sadness in there - that the friendships have been born as the result of the demise of another relationship.
But the upside is, we're here now. There's people who understand, who can empathise, sympathise, and share chocolate or pizza. There's nearly always someone to spend an otherwise lonely evening with. For the most part there's no pressure - just simply friendship with no strings. There's still quite a few who don't know each other yet - and some who have brought their friends along, making the circle even bigger.
How awesome is that!?
I've met them on dates, through friends, through their friends. At dancing, at work, at church. Very very few live near me. Some are partnered, some re-partnered, but most aren't. A few are enthusiastically trying out re-partnering, with varying degrees of success. Because they come from different places, they mostly don't know each other. (Although it's kind of scary how close those 6 degrees have got sometimes... ) And they all are keen to make new friends and expand their own social circles. So, bit by bit, I've been introducing them to each other.
It's been fantastic. I love it because now my friends all know each other (or at least are starting to!). They get to meet new people, so they feel good. There's been a couple of romances. Some really amazing friendships. I am stoked.
I try not to think about the circumstances of how I know them. After all, if I - any of them - were still happily (or even unhappily) married, I probably wouldn't have met any of them. And then certainly they would not have met each other. So there's a little bit of sadness in there - that the friendships have been born as the result of the demise of another relationship.
But the upside is, we're here now. There's people who understand, who can empathise, sympathise, and share chocolate or pizza. There's nearly always someone to spend an otherwise lonely evening with. For the most part there's no pressure - just simply friendship with no strings. There's still quite a few who don't know each other yet - and some who have brought their friends along, making the circle even bigger.
How awesome is that!?
the secret of longevity
The best book I have ever read about the reasons for failure/changes/endings in relationships is this one:
http://www.amazon.com/Uncoupling-Turning-Points-Intimate-Relationships/dp/0679730028
My experience is that most people are even less likely to share freely and easily in subsequent relationships, often feeling they have been betrayed or distrusted before.
It takes a huge amount of trust to be able to share your innermost feelings with another don't you think? As my wise friend describes it...to start to trust another is like slowly getting undressed in front of them. some things are easy to be honest about, others we show and then quickly cover up again. There can be false starts...and going quickly doesn't equal reaching truth any faster...it's a process that takes time, patience and unparallelled honesty and trust.
I think it's important to maintain privacy...we don't have to share every single thought or detail of our lives...and what is shared in confidence needs to stay in confidence...but i do think it's vital to be honest and true with the information we do share. An opinion given should be the true one...a reaction should be a heartfelt one.
If it's true that we uncouple because of a secret I wonder does it then stand to reason that we have the best chance of success when our relationships are devoid of secrets?
http://www.amazon.com/Uncoupling-Turning-Points-Intimate-Relationships/dp/0679730028
My experience is that most people are even less likely to share freely and easily in subsequent relationships, often feeling they have been betrayed or distrusted before.
It takes a huge amount of trust to be able to share your innermost feelings with another don't you think? As my wise friend describes it...to start to trust another is like slowly getting undressed in front of them. some things are easy to be honest about, others we show and then quickly cover up again. There can be false starts...and going quickly doesn't equal reaching truth any faster...it's a process that takes time, patience and unparallelled honesty and trust.
I think it's important to maintain privacy...we don't have to share every single thought or detail of our lives...and what is shared in confidence needs to stay in confidence...but i do think it's vital to be honest and true with the information we do share. An opinion given should be the true one...a reaction should be a heartfelt one.
If it's true that we uncouple because of a secret I wonder does it then stand to reason that we have the best chance of success when our relationships are devoid of secrets?
sharing the load or going it alone
I'm sure one of the most appealing things about being coupled (from the uncoupled point of view of course!) is the fact that there is someone to share stuff with.
Share housework, kid stuff, errands.
Share a bed.
Share the ups and downs and trivia of the day
Share whinges and whines and celebrations.
The longer I live alone though, the less excited I am about sharing. I've got used to my own space and making my own decisions. I don't mind doing housework on my own and I have enough friends around me to usually be able to find someone to celebrate or commiserate with. I quite like my own company, even though I am energised by people.
I do miss having some warm feet in the bed on a cold night...but I'm pretty ok with having that to myself most of the time too.
I have come to accept, even enjoy the solititude of my evenings. Being connected via the internet and phone is mostly enough, and I am often busy with work, or meetings or something, at least a couple of nights a week.
There are things I miss sharing for sure. An adult to reflect on the day with. Someone to have coffee with in the morning. Sometimes I would like to be able to share my kids:)
I wonder if if my growing independence will make me selfish (although unlikely as long as there's two small people in my life and house).
Does this make me one of those people edging to the ''part time lover'' camp? I don't want to become so self sufficient that there is no room, or inclination for a significant other in my life. I also don't want to be so independent that a potential suitor would put me in the too hard basket!
Is there a balance?
Share housework, kid stuff, errands.
Share a bed.
Share the ups and downs and trivia of the day
Share whinges and whines and celebrations.
The longer I live alone though, the less excited I am about sharing. I've got used to my own space and making my own decisions. I don't mind doing housework on my own and I have enough friends around me to usually be able to find someone to celebrate or commiserate with. I quite like my own company, even though I am energised by people.
I do miss having some warm feet in the bed on a cold night...but I'm pretty ok with having that to myself most of the time too.
I have come to accept, even enjoy the solititude of my evenings. Being connected via the internet and phone is mostly enough, and I am often busy with work, or meetings or something, at least a couple of nights a week.
There are things I miss sharing for sure. An adult to reflect on the day with. Someone to have coffee with in the morning. Sometimes I would like to be able to share my kids:)
I wonder if if my growing independence will make me selfish (although unlikely as long as there's two small people in my life and house).
Does this make me one of those people edging to the ''part time lover'' camp? I don't want to become so self sufficient that there is no room, or inclination for a significant other in my life. I also don't want to be so independent that a potential suitor would put me in the too hard basket!
Is there a balance?
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