I don't know how she does it (but I think I know how I do)

I am just starting to put my head up from what is arguably the busiest two months of my working year. I've been pulling 18 hour days - juggling a massive budget, placating, bargaining, negotiating, book keeping, managing spreadsheets, and then delivering on one project that is a year in the making (and is still not finished, but starts all over again with barely a weekends break), combined with the regular part of my job, the starting of two other huge projects, and the end of year balance up for the two parts of the organisation

I'm lucky most of the year - even though my job requires me to work pretty much every day - either in the office, on the road or from home - and occasionally weekends, and some evenings it's only ''part time''. Which actually equals pretty much full time for part time wages, but the payoff is the aforementioned flexibility. It does mean I'm usually available for school trips, sick kids (I have one with chronic illness) and I have in the past got to indulge in occasional days sneaking away with my young man and avoiding the office.  But it also means that for some days, weeks, I am working every hour God sends, and squashing in bits of work between school things, trips to the Doctors and so on.  The kids complain often, that I never seem to be off the phone.  For me, it's the difference between being there, or not.

I often think that a full time job - ergo not actually being available to the children, or anyone else,  between 8 and 5, would be easier. I'd simply go to a job for 40 hours a week, 48 weeks a year and that would be that.

But then I think...who would do those other things? Who would go on school excursions, cheer the kids at a sports day, hear their speeches.  Who would do the sick kid days, Doctor visits (seemingly endless), the car WOF, the groceries, the continual pile of laundry?  Would there ever be time to do something for myself - a real need when you're a single parent!

I look at women who work full time and manage their families on their own. even the ones who do it and have a partner 'in house'.  I don't know how they do it. 

I won't lie...its feckin' exhausting being the only grown up living in this house! This is the life I live, but certainly not the one I would have chosen deliberately.  I have come to terms with it, but I am also keenly aware of the ongoing challenges of single parenting - despite having FDH local and involved with his children. I feel the responsibilities keenly - the buck stops with me.  I am responsible for it all - I need to earn the money, ensure there's milk in the fridge, get a sick kid to the Doctor, pick up the rubbish that infuriatingly seems to blow in  the gate onto my garden, decide everything.  And this is how I do it:

Firstly:  Amazing people around me.  Friends who help with babysitting. Obliging grandparents. Kids, who for the most part, are flexible and amenable to last minute planning or changes.  And, lucky for me, they are both smart, relatively organised, independent considering their young age, and good at cleaning up after themselves (and each other).  Secondly: choosing where I live: I have chosen to live in a supportive community where the school, friends, music lessons and other regular haunts are within walking distance of my house. My place of work is ten minutes drive away, or I can work from home. Thirdly, I plan. A lot.  A trip to the city has to have more than one purpose.  A trip to the town I work in usually does too, including either a grocery shop or library visit or similar.  I have lists. I have reminders on my phone, on the fridge, on the computer. If it ain't in the diary it ain't happening.  And finally, I maintain balance.  I am RELIGIOUS about having time for myself.  Kid free weekends are kid free. Bedtimes, after years of struggle are becoming more rigid not less.  I pay a babysitter so I can have a night out mid week if I want to.  And even though I might spend a couple of hours of an evening on work, I also ensure that there's plenty of time for talking with other adults (even if it's online and not in person), for reading and writing, and for just 'being'.  I choose to work the hours I do, because overall it works better for my family right now.  It comes at a price - less income, and possibly creating a 'halt' in my career path. But for now, its how it needs to be and I happily accept that.  I'm lucky I love what I do, have great people to work with and have enough other things in my life that I don't  need to, or choose to ''live to work''. 

Every day is different - and yet in many ways life chugs on the same day in day out.  I remind myself that routine is not a bad thing, in fact it makes life feel...safer...somehow.  But some days I crave adventure and excitement. the before children life I remember - the post children life I look forward to.  Others I yearn for more quiet, more calm.  Most of the time though, I cheerfully embrace the busy, noisy, family focused life I now live.  Ideally, life would be the perfect balance of all of those things. Ideally I'd be sharing all of this with a significant other. I can work towards that right!?  In the meantime I do my best to be grateful for all I have. 

And to everyone who is, or has been, part of my support team I want to say a massive THANK YOU. I don't know how the others do it, but I sure couldn't do it without you.

the horrifying magnification provided by a second pair of eyes and how it can spur action

After 6 years of sole parenting, I'd like to think I've got it sussed.  And I do. Mostly. Some of the time. Occasionally.

The same things grind me down each day (no doubt the same things that grind down every parent, sole or not actually but that's beside the point).  Bath times. Bedtimes. Getting up times. Homework times. Meal times. Chore times.

I find myself, MOST times, ''getting through''.  Usually with too much cajoling, often too much whining (theirs) and grizzling (mine) and, I'm somewhat ashamed to admit, too often with rather more temper testing than I would prefer.

But get through we do.  The children leave the house fed and dressed, with homework done.   Their rooms are clean and tidy.  Bedtimes...well that's another story for another day...but mainly they are in bed before I am.    Yet still...I yearn for calmer routine. Less of me growling, less of them resisting my requests.

I get through, and put up with more than I probably should, mainly because I'm the only adult in the house. Most of the time, there's no one here to a/ back me up, b/ take over or c/ tell me off give me better ideas, for how I'm directing the traffic.  It's only when there IS another adult nearby that my shortcomings as the grownup in the house get thrown into sharp relief and I face the gruesome reality of how stressed I can become at those crucial mealtime/bedtime/cleaning time-poor moments.

I've put a few things in place as a result of some previous highlighted moments...and I'll admit its a continual learning curve.  FDH used to (actually no, not used to, STILL DOES) tell me that the reason there is stress in my house is because I am as bad as the kids: I answer back, raise my voice, get grumpy and generally can be disagreeable when things aren't going they way I want them to.  Well, yes, that's probably true actually - but heck, I'm the grown up here - sure I shouldn't have to do all those things in the first place (yeah yeah I GET that) but I reckon if anyone should be allowed to get iffy, it should be me.

So what to do?  This morning it happened again.  Son was being particularly uncooperative. Daughter was compliant enough but grimly enjoying co-parenting son with me (by way of echoing barked instructions and being generally bossy).  Which results in squabbling. Which results in me grizzling some more. and so on. And so on.  You get the picture.

Ordinarily I'd GET THROUGH but today, I had my young man here (a rare occurrence mid week) , and with a second pair of eyes on the scene I realised just how inadequate my morning routine was, (I really didn't think it was until now...), and how ineffective my parenting style could be. Am I being hard on myself? Yes, probably. But when I found myself mid-rant, and wishing I could wind the clock back and hour to start the day again, I knew something was gonna give.  

It's a bit shaming.  Embarrassing.  AWKWARD!!!! But I happen to quite like having that other set of eyes around the place...so some more things are going to have to change.  And it's probably going to be easier to change my own actions and attitudes than than change my kids.

So, because I believe that writing things down makes them more likely to happen - and because I'm going to be printing the list out and putting it on the fridge, our new morning rules include:

- The TV does not, under any circumstances, get turned on before school
- Children are to be fully dressed before coming out of their bedroom
- Breakfast is compulsory if you are a minor and must be eaten at the table
- Tooth brushing is also compulsory before leaving the house

I'm hopeful that these four simple rules might make for a calmer weekday morning.  They have all been in place before but somehow get muddied...or something...and the end result is me nagging repeatedly - and it must be said, ineffectively, for action.

Time will tell.

single parent anxiety

I've had some changes in my parenting in the last few weeks.

As a result of working too many hours, and being way too preoccupied with my job (hm mm was it an attempt to subconsciously escape my home life...a topic for another blog), I turned into psychomummy and I'm ashamed to admit it.  Way too much shushing, way to much 'soon'ing and WAY too much yelling.

So I changed things.  I chose to go into my office rather than work from home. I have done my best to keep away from my computer and phone when I'm in the company of the children (OK it's a process, I'm not perfect).  As a result we have eaten better, played more games, and there's been a whole lot let stress in the house.

It takes effort - I have to say I'm not always super excited about hearing the long convoluted stories of school lunch time goings on, or even longer versions of a dream from the night before - but the upside has been that I feel way more in control of my parenting.  I don't feel the need to escape parenting the same and I'm not sure why.  Maybe because I've made the effort to stay in the moment with the children, and maybe because with every passing day I see the benefit.

There's just one downside so far.  I spend WAY more time worrying about the children.  Stressing about what will happen in their lives, and mine, as they get older.  I'm aware of the older one approaching tween age.  The younger one no longer a baby (hardly, he's 7 but mothers will get what I mean).  I wonder...what was I thinking, that I could successfully navigate two other people to adulthood with minimum stress and damage! What lies ahead!?!  Yes, too much time worrying.  But they are worries that I had until now managed to squash to the back of my mind.  I guess all I can do is go one day at a time.  Being called into the teachers office for her to tell me of ''age inappropriate behaviour'' for the second time this year didn't help.  Argh, what is ahead alright!?!

I addressed the issue, calmly. Firmly.  Kept my phone in my pocket and the computer turned off. I think we've dealt with it. This time anyway

Anyway, back to the stressing. And shouting.  I confess, I've been a shouty mother.  But I haven't shouted for 14 days. A record. And I have been keeping notes.

 I asked one of the kids about it yesterday - and got a blank look.  Were things better around here? Um haven't noticed.  Am I calmer and making a happier feeling house? Erm. Not sure.Oh well, they may not notice, but I have.

the breaking and mending of hearts

July is a momentous month for me. In fact pretty much all of the major things that have happened to me (other than the birth of my kids) have happened in July.  This July marks 5 years of me being a single parent, and one year of being re partnered.

We have a tradition in this house of story telling.   I tell a story, or the children do, changing names ''to protect the innocent'' but based on real life events in our lives. Often they are bed time stories, detailing humour events in the kids lives.  It's become a way of processing for the children -sometimes they will talk through family events like the changes in our family makeup and dynamics.

Tonight my son (7) wanted to tell the story - it was about a mum and a dad who were happy with one child but then they broke up and another one was born.  It didn't happen like that at all in real life, by the way, but this was the way the story went.  He told it quite matter of factly, and took delight in creating a story with names for the parents and children, and other changed details.  And even though for him it is just a story - and simply a way to prolong bedtime, these stories still are, and maybe always will be, bittersweet for me.

As I have mentioned before I am fortunate to have a relatively good relationship with the father of my children.  They see people who get along together.  Not that this is always such a good thing - many days I have been challenged by them -''if you get on so well how come you aren't together?''  Or, more recently, by my 10 year old ''how come you get on so well - divorced people are meant to hate each other aren't they?".

No, I am not one of those people who say ''I wouldn't change a thing''. I am not one of those people who say ''I should never have married/had children with that person''. And I am not one of those people that says ''I'm glad how things turned out''.

But, I AM a person who can say, I am so lucky that the circumstances that have got me to this place in my life have made it turn out so well.  I can say, with a lighter heart than the sadness of uncoupling initially allows, that five years on from that first nightmarish week of single parenting, I find myself in a happy, hopeful and promise filled place.

time out for parents

I am the primary caregiver for my two young children, and they are with me 12 days out of 14.  I am, by and large, completely happy with this arrangement, and miss them very much when they are gone even for just their ''every other weekend'' with their father.

But I also get tired - and occasionally not just a little resentful - when it feels likes its only ever just me with a kid hanging off me 24/7 (it's not but it feels like it sometimes) or when it is me, again, dealing with an upset tummy, a cough, a friend drama, tricky homework, another taxi trip or any other of the myriad of day to day normalcy's of parenting.  My daughter can be very possessive and is currently struggling with the concept that Mum might want to have a life outside of caring for her (yep the world does actually revolve around her...).

And so when I arrange - or as is more usual, fall upon by accident - that both children will be off at a play date or sleepover or school event at the same time, I invariably feel guilty.  It's as if as a single parent I have to be doing a better job than if I were not, and that includes spending every available minute with, or for, the children.  I am all for independence and they have a full life with a lot of socialising and fun stuff that doesn't include me, but there is always this thin line of underlying guilt that I find myself watching for.

Perhaps the upside, if there is one, of parenting from two houses is that there is that opportunity for 48 child free hours.  Its time to regroup and not have to be thinking about someone who is dependent on me,  for a whole weekend.  Its a chance to do what I want to do with the people I want to do that with.  But to be completely honest, sometimes it's not enough.  And, what I have come to realise, is that actually I am a better person for having some time to myself - other than those two days at the end of every fortnight.   The children don't understand that my work day doesn't really count as time out.  But fortunately for me, FDH has also come to realise this and is starting to support me in my endeavours to take more time for myself.

So I have started taking one evening a week for myself. The babysitter is booked and off I go.  The children protest, oh yes they do, but I am doing my utmost to press on with this.  And I do believe I am better of for it.  So when the opportunity arises to do this more often, I think I'm going to take it.

running on empty

I like to think of myself as a pretty positive kind of person.

I get a huge buzz out of helping other people.  I'm way more into giving and receiving and generally I'm not too worried about the payback.  My couch has become one of those places people come and sit, and talk and I like it like that.

I acknowledge that it's bleeping hard being a single parent, but on the whole I think I do an okay job of it (although some days I shout way too much....).  I have awesome friends, a great job, a number of hobbies and things that keep me busy.  I earn enough money to have a nice house and eat well and all that other stuff.

You could say in fact, that most of the time, rather than feeling the glass is half full, I usually feel that my cup runneth over.

But occasionally there's a down day.  And lately I feel like I've had more than one, and so I've been trying to figure out what's going on to make me feel like this.  Is it the weather?  Hardly - it's the best autumn in years.  Working too hard - nah, for all I'm busy, it's great fun and hardly high stress.  Not enough sleep - well that's a given for me.   Not fit - unlikely when I walk, cycle or dance most days.   A spiritual thing - no I don't think this is it either.  Feeling flat from (another) dashed opportunity - yes maybe a little.

It's actually that I feel like the ''emotional tank'' within is running a bit low.  The caring enthusiasm and kindness of friends, the love of my children, warm fuzzies from workmates and clients - these things are awesome and of course keep filling the tank.   But right now I'm having a moment of feeling it needs a top up.  And I'm at a loss to work out how to do it.  Because I'm beginning to realise, and coming to accept that this top-up probably needs to come from a significant other.

When you're running on empty, what do you do?  Is this the domain of the single or does everyone have moments like these?

fake it til you make it

Being a single is hard.  And being a single parent is really hard.  Really really hard.  And if you're reading this now there's a good chance you are one, and agree with me.  Sure if you've come out of a bad relationship there can be an element of relief or liberation - but I'm talking here about the every day mundane stuff.

It's hard on lots of levels - no matter how supportive your FDP is, how involved they are with the children's life, or how old the kids are.  There's hardly any respite.  You get the worst of the children's behaviour.  If the kids are young, it is likely that most of your friends are still partnered.  And those who aren't are struggling like you are.  There's less money.  There's no one to offload to at the end of the day.  There's no one to say ''hey we're out of milk, I'll go''.  There's no one to talk over the latest tantrum with.  Or celebrate the latest success with.

And so, if you're anything like me, for the most part you put on a brave face and let the world think everything is hunky-dory.  Of course you enjoy the single life.  Absolutely you'll meet that other single friend for a coffee date.  Of course you don't mind being the only single at a dinner party.  For sure having the bed/house/bathroom to oneself beats having to share it.  Of course a girls night out is a great idea.  Definitely it is fine to have a weekend/public holiday/overseas trip solo.  So much easier don't you know....

And maybe, if you say it often, and loudly, and convincingly enough, everyone else will believe it - and you might do too. Until eventually real life will catch up, and you actually discover one day, you are happy. After all.

Wife wanted

I am now working full time, and a bit more.  I'm doing some house renovations. I'm parenting alone, albeit with a fairly involved kid-dad.

Each day I race out the door wishing I'd had more time to tidy, do washing, run errands.  Every evening I come home to kids clamouring, answerphone beeping, dinner looming.

Seems the lawns always need mowing, the garden always needs weeding, there's never quite enough fresh fruit and veges in the fridge for my own comfort, and there's always a pile of paper that needs attention.

About 20 years ago I was nannying in London for a single mum.  Funnily enough she was the same age that I am now and her children are similar ages - and with similar interests and personalities.  She ran two jobs like I do and seemed to spent a lot of time in the car or racing between meetings.  My job was to care for the children, the house, and the dogs.  Occasionally I'd prepare food for a dinner party, or oversee workmen at the house, or run errands for her personally.  And she would laugh and say I made the perfect wife for her.  She sure didn't need a husband, but yep, she could have used a wife.

And now, I think maybe that's what I need too.