I was sent a link to this blog:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/
read it, and marvel at how it sounds like she's talking about you....
Ouch:)
Showing posts with label emotional energy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional energy. Show all posts
running on empty
I like to think of myself as a pretty positive kind of person.
I get a huge buzz out of helping other people. I'm way more into giving and receiving and generally I'm not too worried about the payback. My couch has become one of those places people come and sit, and talk and I like it like that.
I acknowledge that it's bleeping hard being a single parent, but on the whole I think I do an okay job of it (although some days I shout way too much....). I have awesome friends, a great job, a number of hobbies and things that keep me busy. I earn enough money to have a nice house and eat well and all that other stuff.
You could say in fact, that most of the time, rather than feeling the glass is half full, I usually feel that my cup runneth over.
But occasionally there's a down day. And lately I feel like I've had more than one, and so I've been trying to figure out what's going on to make me feel like this. Is it the weather? Hardly - it's the best autumn in years. Working too hard - nah, for all I'm busy, it's great fun and hardly high stress. Not enough sleep - well that's a given for me. Not fit - unlikely when I walk, cycle or dance most days. A spiritual thing - no I don't think this is it either. Feeling flat from (another) dashed opportunity - yes maybe a little.
It's actually that I feel like the ''emotional tank'' within is running a bit low. The caring enthusiasm and kindness of friends, the love of my children, warm fuzzies from workmates and clients - these things are awesome and of course keep filling the tank. But right now I'm having a moment of feeling it needs a top up. And I'm at a loss to work out how to do it. Because I'm beginning to realise, and coming to accept that this top-up probably needs to come from a significant other.
When you're running on empty, what do you do? Is this the domain of the single or does everyone have moments like these?
I get a huge buzz out of helping other people. I'm way more into giving and receiving and generally I'm not too worried about the payback. My couch has become one of those places people come and sit, and talk and I like it like that.
I acknowledge that it's bleeping hard being a single parent, but on the whole I think I do an okay job of it (although some days I shout way too much....). I have awesome friends, a great job, a number of hobbies and things that keep me busy. I earn enough money to have a nice house and eat well and all that other stuff.
You could say in fact, that most of the time, rather than feeling the glass is half full, I usually feel that my cup runneth over.
But occasionally there's a down day. And lately I feel like I've had more than one, and so I've been trying to figure out what's going on to make me feel like this. Is it the weather? Hardly - it's the best autumn in years. Working too hard - nah, for all I'm busy, it's great fun and hardly high stress. Not enough sleep - well that's a given for me. Not fit - unlikely when I walk, cycle or dance most days. A spiritual thing - no I don't think this is it either. Feeling flat from (another) dashed opportunity - yes maybe a little.
It's actually that I feel like the ''emotional tank'' within is running a bit low. The caring enthusiasm and kindness of friends, the love of my children, warm fuzzies from workmates and clients - these things are awesome and of course keep filling the tank. But right now I'm having a moment of feeling it needs a top up. And I'm at a loss to work out how to do it. Because I'm beginning to realise, and coming to accept that this top-up probably needs to come from a significant other.
When you're running on empty, what do you do? Is this the domain of the single or does everyone have moments like these?
me time
Today as I was allowing my coupled friends to vicariously enjoy my 'single Saturday nights'' in recollection, one remarked that it seemed that at those times, I got to be the real ME - not the mother, the employee, the ex-spouse, the friend, the mortgage-owner, the volunteer....just me.
I'm trying hard not to allow being uncoupled define me. Sure, this blog is about my life, and maybe the life of others, as a single in a couples world.
And I'm not afraid to admit I have days when I am really really unhappy about being a single person, and in particular a single parent. Many is the day that I think 'this is not what I signed up for!''...Just as there are as many days that I wonder if I will ever be brave/mad/open enough to really be ready to get re-coupled again.
But, there are many positives in my life as a single and one of them is that I how I have learned to carve out -and really appreciate - chunks of time just for me.
And it's true - when it's just me, I get to be me. No expectation, no responsibility and no accountability, except to myself. Those precious hours are all about doing the things that energise me, but that are not necessarily - in fact are not usually at all - about giving out to other people. I do things that I love, things that I would probably have never experienced unless I had become single, and have also gone back to things I once loved before coupledom. It's good for my spirit and soul, and is often a timely reminder that I am no not have to be defined by just my relationship status.
I'm trying hard not to allow being uncoupled define me. Sure, this blog is about my life, and maybe the life of others, as a single in a couples world.
And I'm not afraid to admit I have days when I am really really unhappy about being a single person, and in particular a single parent. Many is the day that I think 'this is not what I signed up for!''...Just as there are as many days that I wonder if I will ever be brave/mad/open enough to really be ready to get re-coupled again.
But, there are many positives in my life as a single and one of them is that I how I have learned to carve out -and really appreciate - chunks of time just for me.
And it's true - when it's just me, I get to be me. No expectation, no responsibility and no accountability, except to myself. Those precious hours are all about doing the things that energise me, but that are not necessarily - in fact are not usually at all - about giving out to other people. I do things that I love, things that I would probably have never experienced unless I had become single, and have also gone back to things I once loved before coupledom. It's good for my spirit and soul, and is often a timely reminder that I am no not have to be defined by just my relationship status.
fighting fires that aren't even sparks
I learnt yesterday that I had upset someone. A male someone. It was completely unintentional and in fact I didn't even know that the thing that upset him would have even registered with him.
My first reaction was to fight the fire. I hardly know this guy but I immediately began thinking of how I might be able to contact him and maybe assuage the hurt a little.
I'm good at that. Trying to make amends. Soothing furrowed brows. Pouring oil on troubled waters. Fighting fires.
The rational side of my brain kicked in - excuse me, miss unity addict! I think it's called overcompensating, and being a rescuer.
Women seem to be particularly good at this stuff. We over analyse. We put in too much emotion. We don't want to UPSET anyone. We don't want to cause any HURT. We want to save the world and protect other people from pain, no matter how small, no matter how ill-perceived.
And so I rationalised a little more. I didn't know I had upset anyone. I hadn't done it deliberately. It was an action not a word so there wasn't even any interaction with this person. Ergo, they were assuming that the way I behaved was for their benefit or not. Honestly, what was I thinking that I felt the need to even get into it!
I let it go.
My first reaction was to fight the fire. I hardly know this guy but I immediately began thinking of how I might be able to contact him and maybe assuage the hurt a little.
I'm good at that. Trying to make amends. Soothing furrowed brows. Pouring oil on troubled waters. Fighting fires.
The rational side of my brain kicked in - excuse me, miss unity addict! I think it's called overcompensating, and being a rescuer.
Women seem to be particularly good at this stuff. We over analyse. We put in too much emotion. We don't want to UPSET anyone. We don't want to cause any HURT. We want to save the world and protect other people from pain, no matter how small, no matter how ill-perceived.
And so I rationalised a little more. I didn't know I had upset anyone. I hadn't done it deliberately. It was an action not a word so there wasn't even any interaction with this person. Ergo, they were assuming that the way I behaved was for their benefit or not. Honestly, what was I thinking that I felt the need to even get into it!
I let it go.
love tanks and energy suckers
I really like the concept of the Love tank (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/2008/10/keeping-the-love-tank-full/ and /http://marriage.about.com/cs/communicationkeys/a/lovelanguage.htm
The idea is that we need to keep replenishing ourselves with love as much as we give it out. And that if we don't do this, and our tank 'runs dry', we are not really in a position to sustain healthy relationships.
There's no doubt about it. Relationships take energy, and plenty of it. And those of the romantic kind somehow seem to take more than most.
I wonder is it because, especially to start with, we are wanting our beloved to see our very best side? Which takes a fair amount of energy over and above the usual day to day.
As things become established I think relationships start to get emotional momentum. We find we are able to both get, and give energy to the other. It's a kind of mutual nourishment. It's fun and exciting getting to know another person. We find synergies and similarities. We spark off each other. We genuinely have the other person's best interests at heart. In fact there's little issue with giving out -we enjoy putting all care, attention, energy, into this exciting new thing. In an ideal world this is invigorating and energising - maybe not all the time, but the overall feeling is one of positivity.
But as the people reading this will know, sometimes the relationship matures, and the cracks begin to show. That's when putting emotional energy in can become less enjoyable and it can feel like the 'love tank'' is not being replenished. I accept that all relationships go through the ebbs and flows of give/take/share. The healthy relationships survive it and come out the stronger for it. The rest falter, founder or end.
Sometimes it can feel a bit one sided. The fact is that some people are simply energy suckers. No matter how well meaning they are, they simply require more energy to fill their tank than they have to give back. Sometimes they want to, sometimes they don't, sometimes they don't even know what is going on!
Perhaps one of the upsides of new found singleness is that there is not another person to take into consideration all the time. Sounds selfish perhaps, but more than one person has said to me that it is only when a relationship is over that they have realised just how much emotional energy had been expended.
As things start to fall into decline, no matter how hard both people might be working toward keeping the relationship strong (or even just together!), things just somehow get harder. It takes more work. We feeling like our emotional tanks aren't being refilled.
And so, the post-coupled person is in the often enviable position of being able to put that energy into other things - work, family, interests, sport, well being. With some time and distance from the now-ended relationship they can identify what went wrong - where the energy was being expended. Hopefully, we learn from this. And next time, if there is one, we will seek a relationship that is emotionally rewarding, sustaining and complimentary to our own giving and receiving.
The idea is that we need to keep replenishing ourselves with love as much as we give it out. And that if we don't do this, and our tank 'runs dry', we are not really in a position to sustain healthy relationships.
There's no doubt about it. Relationships take energy, and plenty of it. And those of the romantic kind somehow seem to take more than most.
I wonder is it because, especially to start with, we are wanting our beloved to see our very best side? Which takes a fair amount of energy over and above the usual day to day.
As things become established I think relationships start to get emotional momentum. We find we are able to both get, and give energy to the other. It's a kind of mutual nourishment. It's fun and exciting getting to know another person. We find synergies and similarities. We spark off each other. We genuinely have the other person's best interests at heart. In fact there's little issue with giving out -we enjoy putting all care, attention, energy, into this exciting new thing. In an ideal world this is invigorating and energising - maybe not all the time, but the overall feeling is one of positivity.
But as the people reading this will know, sometimes the relationship matures, and the cracks begin to show. That's when putting emotional energy in can become less enjoyable and it can feel like the 'love tank'' is not being replenished. I accept that all relationships go through the ebbs and flows of give/take/share. The healthy relationships survive it and come out the stronger for it. The rest falter, founder or end.
Sometimes it can feel a bit one sided. The fact is that some people are simply energy suckers. No matter how well meaning they are, they simply require more energy to fill their tank than they have to give back. Sometimes they want to, sometimes they don't, sometimes they don't even know what is going on!
Perhaps one of the upsides of new found singleness is that there is not another person to take into consideration all the time. Sounds selfish perhaps, but more than one person has said to me that it is only when a relationship is over that they have realised just how much emotional energy had been expended.
As things start to fall into decline, no matter how hard both people might be working toward keeping the relationship strong (or even just together!), things just somehow get harder. It takes more work. We feeling like our emotional tanks aren't being refilled.
And so, the post-coupled person is in the often enviable position of being able to put that energy into other things - work, family, interests, sport, well being. With some time and distance from the now-ended relationship they can identify what went wrong - where the energy was being expended. Hopefully, we learn from this. And next time, if there is one, we will seek a relationship that is emotionally rewarding, sustaining and complimentary to our own giving and receiving.
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