a year of reflection

http://single-minded-endeavours.blogspot.co.nz/2011/12/saying-what-everyone-else-is-thinking.html - my post from New years Eve last year, and boy was I feeling sorry for myself!

It's been a heck of a year since that post, that's for sure and as I sit at my computer, house quiet and a box of chocolates beside me, I am reflecting on the good the bad and the little bit ugly that it comprised of.

I've learned a lot about myself this year, and in the process of stepping into the (slightly scary but no less exhilarating) world of repartnering myself, a whole lot about the kind of person I want to be.  I've also had a few revelations about how I think I can build a successful relationship, and learn from some of the mistakes experiences of the past.

Here's my list of reflections for 2012:

1 it's actually true that you have to like yourself quite a bit before anyone else is going to like you
2 if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't
3 it's possible to have a disgreement with someone and it not degenerate into a full blown he said/she said argument
4 the minute you feel your core values are being compromised it's time to walk away
5 exes CAN be friends, and it's not weird, and it's not about unfinished business, but it is rare and other people may not understand it
6 major crises at the beginning of a relationship are often still just the stuff of everyday life
7 it really is important to listen to the feedback and responses of people you know and trust when you ask them for their opinion on your new SO
8 if it seems to good to be true, it doesn't necessarily mean it is
9 there really is no hurry
10 New Years Eve is still a million percent better when you're not alone for it

modern family christmas

For the past three years or so that I have been writing this blog I've talked a lot about my journey of post coupledom, and how my ex husband and I have worked so hard to continue to co-parent effectively and maintain a good level of friendship (which, it turns out, is fairly uncommon in marriage breakups).

It's been incredibly successful, even though occasionally some lines get blurred (I have been known to call on him to mend stuff, and he gets me to help out with his business from time to time).  The downside - if there is one to such a well managed separation - is that one of our children still harbours a belief that eventually Dad is going to come back (he won't be).  And both children consider him part of our immediate family (he is to them of course).

And so Christmas.  He had a ham that needed cooking and I am the one with the big oven, so I spent a few hours in front of a hot stove.  The kids have bikes that need fixing and he has the right tools for the job. Tonight I wanted to take the 10 year old to midnight mass and so he came and babysat the sleeping one.   All very easy, and civilised.  But there was for me a small feeling of disconnect knowing that my SO was in another town, with HIS family, whilst I was here with mine, both present and past.

Tomorrow the children's father will come for breakfast as has become our tradition, and my SO will come and join us for dinner.   Over the next 48 hours or so we will, separately or together, have spent time with exes, step parents, our kids, someone Else's, the whole nine yards of the modern family.

It's a far cry from the way things were when I was young - when people ''took sides'' and separated couples barely exchanged words let alone had a conversation or shared a meal! Yes I know there are still many who suffer thought painful divorces and never become friendly, or friends, with their ex - but I think this is probably the exception these days rather than the rule and thank goodness for that.

The challenge is respecting the space and values of everyone involved, ensuring all feel important and special, but also not forsaking one person for another.