I was thinking today ....about the people we treat best in our lives...the most consistently, with the most respect, with the most kindness and tolerance...the ones we are loyal to in the most trying of circumstances, the ones we take phone calls from at odd hours, make endless cups of coffee for when we have far more pressing issues to attend to, that we ignore the foibles and habits of.
How odd it is that these people are not our family - our kids, our sibling our parents. They are not our employers. They are not even our spouses . That group - family, significant others, employers - we make public promises to, even sign contracts with!
Don't you think it's strange, that the ones to whom we make no promises, that we don't have an ''official'' lifelong commitment to, that we don't have to provide a service to, or have a contract with....these people are 'just' our friends and no more - or no less, depending on your perspective.
I get that no one wants to lose a friend. Especially a close one. Extra especially your ''best friend''. I suppose that is why we treat those friendships with care, for years and years and years. Others come and go, but the best friend is there for ever and those friendships somehow endure everything.
Is it because we give our ''best selves'' to those friendships? We only ever show our best side, because the risk of warts and all might be too much for the friendship to bear? Or is is that we give everything and bare everything, and trust that the best friend will stick around anyway? I know my best friends have seen the best and worst of me and they are still there, decades later.
Why then, do we not afford the people we profess to love the most (sometimes have publicly and legally professed it even!) the same? Does familiarity breed contempt? Or do we have some weird subconscious belief that a spouse will stick around regardless of our behaviours, where a friend would not? Is it because we feel so safe with our spouse/family member that we can, for a time, abandon kindness or respect, sometimes in the name of honesty - or even untruth?
Shouldn't we be treating that person with even more (insert quality here) than anyone else in our lives?
I think so. But we don't. Not all the time anyway. And when a friend does betray us in some way, or act unkindly or inconsistently, its SO hard not to hurt, and hurt deeply. Somehow it is a wound that takes a long time to heal. Weirdly, to be abandoned by a friend seems to hurt as much, if not more, than to endure a failed relationship.
I love the idea of my SO being my best friend, and have had the joy and privilege of this in the past. (and yes I know that friendship alone is of course not enough to any more than romantic love is, or any other single part of - I know that what works is being in a whole, sustainable relationship). And I think in the early times of relationship we do apply those same standards. But I'm talking about long term mature relationships here - the ones that we all want (or at least most people do). The ones that get past crazy stupid love and into the deep trusting place of commitment and enduring love. The ones that could get so easily and dangerously close to the 'taking for granted'' place, the ''I don't really feel that friendly right now'' space. The ''I think I need a new hobby'' place! The 'I wish she'd just get out of my face'' space!
So...imagine if we treated our most significant others, and our relationships with them, with the same care and attention that we do a close friend - for ever! The fierce loyalty, 'drop anything for you' generous kind and 'best selves forward' kind of friendship we have with our best friends. What different relationships they might be.
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Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
The search for a soul mate - fact, fiction or flight of fancy
Back in November 2011 I confessed my secret but deep held belief in soul mates. I wanted to believe that there is this one person out there that is a true match - the one that 'gets' us the most. The one that we can be the most honest and vulnerable with. Yes the one who 'completes' us just like the corny movie.
I DO want to believe that. I do WANT to believe that. I do want to BELIEVE that. But there's a problem...you see I know lots of people who have thought they have met their soul mate - announced it, celebrated it - and it hasn't worked out for them. So that begs rather a lot of questions...Can we have more than one soul mate? What if they die? What if you're together two years...ten years...twenty years... and then it doesn't work out?..Were they still your soul mate? Does a soul mate have to be a life partner? What if you never meet your soul mate...does that mean you're destined to have that missing piece for ever? What if you meet who you believe to be your soul mate, but you are not theirs? What if there is a meeting of souls, undoubtedly and profoundly, but life circumstances threaten (or worse actually are able) to overwhelm that 'supernatural' connection with boring reality? What if...what if....what if....
I don't have any answers...I wish I did. I think we all want to not just meet that person who seems to be our perfect fit, but to know that we can give them our soul for safe keeping and know that it really is going to be cherished and guarded forever.
Its a romanticised view...I get that. I know that it takes more than a few seconds, more than a few months to know someone...to know their soul. I know that the soul can be dark and ugly and unlovable at times, just as it can be bright and inviting and possibly only a projection of something else at others. I get that a meeting of minds, a connecting of souls, or any other joining is potentially in the realm of the ephemeral and could well bear no relevance to the realities and vagaries of every day life. So then what?
Of all the reading I have done on this, the views are completely polarised, and little offers any sensible, rational explanation of why we continue to cling to this ideal of finding a soul mate. Because that is the key - we are spiritual beings and as such want to nurture that element in ourselves. But on the other hand we are also human, grounded on earth with the wants needs and selfish desires of people, not angels.
To date, the only thing I have found that makes the slightest bit of sense - even thought it rather flies in the face of all that I thought I believed! - is some writing by an American psychologist (sorry about that) who says:
Read the full article here. As always, your comments and thoughts are welcome.
I DO want to believe that. I do WANT to believe that. I do want to BELIEVE that. But there's a problem...you see I know lots of people who have thought they have met their soul mate - announced it, celebrated it - and it hasn't worked out for them. So that begs rather a lot of questions...Can we have more than one soul mate? What if they die? What if you're together two years...ten years...twenty years... and then it doesn't work out?..Were they still your soul mate? Does a soul mate have to be a life partner? What if you never meet your soul mate...does that mean you're destined to have that missing piece for ever? What if you meet who you believe to be your soul mate, but you are not theirs? What if there is a meeting of souls, undoubtedly and profoundly, but life circumstances threaten (or worse actually are able) to overwhelm that 'supernatural' connection with boring reality? What if...what if....what if....
I don't have any answers...I wish I did. I think we all want to not just meet that person who seems to be our perfect fit, but to know that we can give them our soul for safe keeping and know that it really is going to be cherished and guarded forever.
Its a romanticised view...I get that. I know that it takes more than a few seconds, more than a few months to know someone...to know their soul. I know that the soul can be dark and ugly and unlovable at times, just as it can be bright and inviting and possibly only a projection of something else at others. I get that a meeting of minds, a connecting of souls, or any other joining is potentially in the realm of the ephemeral and could well bear no relevance to the realities and vagaries of every day life. So then what?
Of all the reading I have done on this, the views are completely polarised, and little offers any sensible, rational explanation of why we continue to cling to this ideal of finding a soul mate. Because that is the key - we are spiritual beings and as such want to nurture that element in ourselves. But on the other hand we are also human, grounded on earth with the wants needs and selfish desires of people, not angels.
To date, the only thing I have found that makes the slightest bit of sense - even thought it rather flies in the face of all that I thought I believed! - is some writing by an American psychologist (sorry about that) who says:
... if an individual wants intensely-passionate, short-term flings, then belief in soul mates will serve them well. Finding those initial commonalities and connections will feel like magic. It will be an excellent emotional high, at least while the illusion of perfection lasts.
In all relationships, however, disagreement, conflict, and incompatibility will arise. Ultimately, no one is perfect - or a perfect fit for a partner. It takes work, growth, and change to keep a relationship going and satisfying over time. When that happens, soul mate believers often become upset, disillusioned, and uncommitted....if an individual finds they are repeatedly falling in love with the "perfect" partner, only to be disappointed and dumping them soon after, their belief in soul mates may be to blame. It may cause them to give up when things are not perfect (but may be still good or great). It may motivate them to not compromise, work, or change, when others don't love them completely for being exactly as they are. Ultimately, it may continually drive them to believe that life would be more satisfying with someone else and endlessly look for a more compatible partner, rather than working to fit with, and be satisfied by, a very good one.
In the end, it is a bit of a cruel joke. A belief in soul mates may prevent individuals from finding the very relationships they think they are destined to have!Read the full article here. As always, your comments and thoughts are welcome.
is making it work hard work?
I think everyone would agree that it takes effort to keep a relationship strong and healthy. And probably we would also mostly agree that this has to be reciprocal - the minute it's one person doing all the ''work'', then it's probably time to accept that relationship is over.
But I have to ask the question...should it really be so hard? Should relationships be that much work?
I understand as much as anyone that there are days when we don't want to make an effort. There are days when we don't even like our partners very much. But surely, underpinning this, in any good relationship, is love? And I really don't think that love should be hard work. To me it's simple, you either love someone (or want to if you're not there yet), or you don't (or you don't want to). Yes one could argue that love is a choice. I get that. But I still think it's the choice we want to make. And it's when, actually, if we're honest, we don't want to make the choice, that the reality is there is, perhaps, no love there.
And ergo, no likelihood of a good and healthy relationship.
So when I hear people saying ''we're trying to make it work'' (and I can include myself in this group at various stages of my life), I now ask the question - why's that then? Surely, if it's such an effort to make something work - and time after time you keep hitting roadblocks, maybe it's reached a stage where it's time to say ''this isn't working''.
You see I think that while relationships do, and should, take work to keep them alive, love shouldn't. And I'd also qualify that with the word ''hard''. I really don't think it should be hard. Challenging, tiring, occasionally disheartening yes. But overall, surely, surely, being with the person you want to grow old with - loving each other - should be the easiest thing ever?
But I have to ask the question...should it really be so hard? Should relationships be that much work?
I understand as much as anyone that there are days when we don't want to make an effort. There are days when we don't even like our partners very much. But surely, underpinning this, in any good relationship, is love? And I really don't think that love should be hard work. To me it's simple, you either love someone (or want to if you're not there yet), or you don't (or you don't want to). Yes one could argue that love is a choice. I get that. But I still think it's the choice we want to make. And it's when, actually, if we're honest, we don't want to make the choice, that the reality is there is, perhaps, no love there.
And ergo, no likelihood of a good and healthy relationship.
So when I hear people saying ''we're trying to make it work'' (and I can include myself in this group at various stages of my life), I now ask the question - why's that then? Surely, if it's such an effort to make something work - and time after time you keep hitting roadblocks, maybe it's reached a stage where it's time to say ''this isn't working''.
You see I think that while relationships do, and should, take work to keep them alive, love shouldn't. And I'd also qualify that with the word ''hard''. I really don't think it should be hard. Challenging, tiring, occasionally disheartening yes. But overall, surely, surely, being with the person you want to grow old with - loving each other - should be the easiest thing ever?
How Achmed the dead terrorist changed my life
Just over two years ago I was in a relationship that was...challenging. It was a relatively short lived affair in the end, long distance and as much ''off'' as it was ''on'' but I was committed to success, in that I really wanted it to work (which in retrospect was as much about wanting an unbroken relationship as about wanting one with that person - but that's another story).
One day, my then-BF, now affectionately known as DZ for reasons that can remain unpublicised, announced that he had invited a friend over (to my house) for lunch. I had met the friend once and only briefly so had a little trepidation, but happily agreed to company. The friend arrived and we got along famously from the get go. After some lunch we got to talking about the things we enjoyed doing, and in particular, the kind of entertainment - in this case, comedy - we liked most. The friend asked if I had heard of Achmed, and when I said I knew nothing of him, suggested we find it on you-tube. Which, as it happened, turned out to be a turning point in my life.
I thought Achmed was hilarious, as did the friend, and we both fell about laughing at the jokes. DZ sat stony faced, not understanding - or at least choosing not to understand - the humour. And it was at that moment, I realised that maybe I needed to reassess things.
Could I really be in a relationship with someone that didn't share my sense of humour? My sense of the ridiculous?
The friend left, and I had another watershed moment. I wished it were DZ heading home not the friend. Not because I fancied the friend, but because I realised that his company was easier to keep than my own boyfriends.
Things, as you would expect, went from bad to worse pretty quickly after that. All the things I thought I could live with, turned out to be less habitable that I first thought. And don't get me wrong - it was mutual. There were so many things that made us incompatible, and poking fun at Islamic skeletons was only one of them.
In retrospect I should have had my eyes open sooner. I should have been kinder to him, and me, and been more honest about this stuff. I've learned a lesson (several) from that.
And thanks to Achmed, I have learned that laughter isn't always just the best medicine, but it can also make a fantastic truth serum.
One day, my then-BF, now affectionately known as DZ for reasons that can remain unpublicised, announced that he had invited a friend over (to my house) for lunch. I had met the friend once and only briefly so had a little trepidation, but happily agreed to company. The friend arrived and we got along famously from the get go. After some lunch we got to talking about the things we enjoyed doing, and in particular, the kind of entertainment - in this case, comedy - we liked most. The friend asked if I had heard of Achmed, and when I said I knew nothing of him, suggested we find it on you-tube. Which, as it happened, turned out to be a turning point in my life.
I thought Achmed was hilarious, as did the friend, and we both fell about laughing at the jokes. DZ sat stony faced, not understanding - or at least choosing not to understand - the humour. And it was at that moment, I realised that maybe I needed to reassess things.
Could I really be in a relationship with someone that didn't share my sense of humour? My sense of the ridiculous?
The friend left, and I had another watershed moment. I wished it were DZ heading home not the friend. Not because I fancied the friend, but because I realised that his company was easier to keep than my own boyfriends.
Things, as you would expect, went from bad to worse pretty quickly after that. All the things I thought I could live with, turned out to be less habitable that I first thought. And don't get me wrong - it was mutual. There were so many things that made us incompatible, and poking fun at Islamic skeletons was only one of them.
In retrospect I should have had my eyes open sooner. I should have been kinder to him, and me, and been more honest about this stuff. I've learned a lesson (several) from that.
And thanks to Achmed, I have learned that laughter isn't always just the best medicine, but it can also make a fantastic truth serum.
Meet Achmed HERE
I can't wait!
I read the best line ever on one of those abominable dating advice websites this week....
A woman who was persevering with the dating train, despite numerous disappoints described it this way:
''one day I will meet a man who can't wait to spend time with me''.
I love that. Especially as so many of us - men and women - seem to get stuck in the hamster wheel of meeting people who really want to be (it seems), anywhere else than with us! Obviously I'm not talking about the friends, the people who want to spend time with us, because we just enjoy each others company. I'm talking about the one that stands out. . The one for whom you are not just an option, or a one day, or an FWB, or an awesome-friend-but-I'm-not-ready-for-a-relationship-with result.
The one you think could ''go to the next level''. That you hope feels the same. This is the one that makes your toes curl. And you're pretty sure you're making his curl too.
So, I'm claiming that one for myself. I'm not ''dating'' - I don't even go looking. But I'm promising myself, that the next man I put energy into - and change my plans for - and start getting excited about, will be the one who really can't wait to see me again.
A woman who was persevering with the dating train, despite numerous disappoints described it this way:
''one day I will meet a man who can't wait to spend time with me''.
I love that. Especially as so many of us - men and women - seem to get stuck in the hamster wheel of meeting people who really want to be (it seems), anywhere else than with us! Obviously I'm not talking about the friends, the people who want to spend time with us, because we just enjoy each others company. I'm talking about the one that stands out. . The one for whom you are not just an option, or a one day, or an FWB, or an awesome-friend-but-I'm-not-ready-for-a-relationship-with result.
The one you think could ''go to the next level''. That you hope feels the same. This is the one that makes your toes curl. And you're pretty sure you're making his curl too.
So, I'm claiming that one for myself. I'm not ''dating'' - I don't even go looking. But I'm promising myself, that the next man I put energy into - and change my plans for - and start getting excited about, will be the one who really can't wait to see me again.
when things end well
Some years ago I made a friend. We were both single. He for a little longer than me. We met, we clicked. There were not great sparks but there was definitely potential for...something.
It became a bit on and off. The friendship strengthened. But any extra dimension was driven by him and seemed to change by the day. He couldn't decide. He wasn't ready. It wasn't me.
He prided himself on having remained friends with every girl he'd ever known.
A year later, my patience had finally worn thin. I got tired of hearing how there were 'no suitable girls''. He only called me if he didn't have a date. I learned he had said some less than flattering things about me. I decided I was worth more and I ended the friendship. It was ugly and it hurt and I think it was probably the first time anyone had ever done it to him.
Around the same time I read an article about men who were supposedly unable to maintain healthy relationships. The writer maintained that part of the problem for these guys was that they were unable to end things well. The point he was making was that these guys want everyone to like them. They like having female friends and they don't want animosity in any form. But their avoidance of confrontation, their inability to make a strong decision, was holding them back from actually getting into a relationship at all.
I wonder, could there be some truth in this? Does the same apply to women?
Personally I think it's great to be able to remain friendly with people I have been emotionally involved with. But actually friends? I'm not so sure. Why would I want to? Is it because I want to leave a door open...just in case? What's going to happen when one of us meets another 'friend''who is less enlightened on the value of ongoing friendship with exes? How many exes - in fact how many friends - can one person have or need?
It became a bit on and off. The friendship strengthened. But any extra dimension was driven by him and seemed to change by the day. He couldn't decide. He wasn't ready. It wasn't me.
He prided himself on having remained friends with every girl he'd ever known.
A year later, my patience had finally worn thin. I got tired of hearing how there were 'no suitable girls''. He only called me if he didn't have a date. I learned he had said some less than flattering things about me. I decided I was worth more and I ended the friendship. It was ugly and it hurt and I think it was probably the first time anyone had ever done it to him.
Around the same time I read an article about men who were supposedly unable to maintain healthy relationships. The writer maintained that part of the problem for these guys was that they were unable to end things well. The point he was making was that these guys want everyone to like them. They like having female friends and they don't want animosity in any form. But their avoidance of confrontation, their inability to make a strong decision, was holding them back from actually getting into a relationship at all.
I wonder, could there be some truth in this? Does the same apply to women?
Personally I think it's great to be able to remain friendly with people I have been emotionally involved with. But actually friends? I'm not so sure. Why would I want to? Is it because I want to leave a door open...just in case? What's going to happen when one of us meets another 'friend''who is less enlightened on the value of ongoing friendship with exes? How many exes - in fact how many friends - can one person have or need?
The C-word
Over the past few years, I have met an extraordinary group of people, none of whom would have probably ever crossed my path if I was still married.
They have a lot of things in common, although few know each other.
Most are in their early 40s, or there abouts.
Most have recently come out of a long term relationship.
Many have children. Some do not.
Most are articulate, well read, well travelled, balanced human beings.
Most believe that human beings are not destined to be alone, and are therefore open, often enthusiastic, about meeting new people, and hopefully, that one special one.
Most, carry some scars, some deeper than others, made by the other broken relationships and dreams they have had in the past.
Some are healed. Some are not. Some are healing. Some are still breaking.
Sticking with generalisations here, for the most part, the women are excited about the prospect of meeting a new partner, but are terrified of making another mistake. they don't trust their own judgement.
the women know they are a package deal if they have children (dress it up however you like, but if it smells like a rat and looks like a rat....). They know this is scary for the boys. They wish, at some level, it wasn't this way. But also know that it's the truth, and no matter how many nights they manage to organise a childfree outing, a lazy sleep-in or even a weekend away, eventually the two lives are going to collide, and spectacularly.
And, generally, the men are looking at all those gorgeous girls that are 10 years younger than them and deciding that the younger models are where it's at. they don't have kids (and therefore commitments). They don't have kids (and therefore stretchmarks). Oh, and they don't have kids (and therefore a pesky ex).
The men are saying they want to fall in love. But they also know that this could mean sex with the same woman for the rest of their lives, and no one else. They say they like the idea of having a place to call home, but they also know that this might just mean the end of a life they are actually starting to rather enjoy.
Hmm, I think that's called a fear of commitment.
It's a wonder any of us ever get into relationships again.
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